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Need Advice: Accidental Pregnancy Leading Towards Blended Family

(11 Posts)
ibinger Wed 09-Dec-15 06:03:41

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 6 weeks. The first time we slept together we unexpectedly got pregnant. We talked it over, and have both decided that we want to keep the baby. We did not know each other before we started dating and are still getting to know each other. I am finding it challenging to get to know someone, while at the same time planning our blended family. I feel like I don't really understand the challenges ahead yet, though I have been trying to read as much as I can about blended families.

I have a 2 year old son, who is with me full time, from a previous relationship and my boyfriend has three kids (ages 7, 6 and 4) from his previous marriage. He shares them week on, week off with their mother. He is an amazing father and his kids are visibly his number one priority. He is also the CEO of a development corporation, and works long hours when it is not his week with his children. Because he has so many commitments, we aren't able to see each other very much and I am feeling extremely lonely and needy. I don't feel like I can communicate my needs to him without sounding clingy and feel like I am lacking the support system I need to bring a baby into the world.

We have talked about it and at some point (within the next 8 months before the baby comes) my son and I will move into his house with him and his children. I am feeling anxious about transitioning from having one child, to having 5 children in a house.

Mostly I'm just feeling scared and anxious and asking myself if I'm making a big mistake. Any advice or insight into my situation would be more than appreciated!

wannabestressfree Wed 09-Dec-15 06:22:20

Honestly I would very much take one step at a time slowly. Don't plan to move in and give up your independence until you have spent plenty of time with him and the children and so has your son. There is no rule to say you have to move in pre birth..... Trial things.
Use the holidays to spend time there. Take your time for everyone's sake. It Isn't something that needs to be rushed regardless of the baby. It was a year before my partner met my son's...... I really wanted it to work so took it really slowly. His children live with him too so I spent the afternoon and day before staying over etc
The needy way your feeling is normal remember and comes with pregnancy and feeling unsure..... It will be ok but I would have a plan B and not bolt to give up your home for both you and your sons Sake.
Oh and congrats smile

HighHeels86 Wed 09-Dec-15 07:59:18

OP Congratulations smile

Have you met his children?

I agree with wannabe take it at your own pace. Maybe try staying over a few nights at a time when he does have the children rather than going from not being there to being there all the time?

hampsterdam Wed 09-Dec-15 08:44:29

Have you met his children?
What is your living arrangement like at the moment? Do you own, or rent?
Please don't give up your home to move in with someone who is a stranger to you and your child. See how things go for a start off, how much he sees you and baby when it arrives.
Living with someone else's children even some of the time is really tough.
You say you don't feel like you have the support system you need to bring another baby. What support would you like from your bf? Have you told him and can he give it? If not now then what will change once baby is here? You may find yourself with little support and 3 extra kids to look after.
In all honestly I don't think I could continue with a pregnancy in the circumstances you describe.

lunar1 Wed 09-Dec-15 09:44:44

You don't have to move in with him before the baby arrives. You really don't know him or what he's like as a dad. You are still in the 'best behaviour' phase of your relationship and don't know what he's like on all the day to day stuff.

elizalovelace Wed 09-Dec-15 15:39:39

Living with other peoples children is rarely easy.Take plenty of time to really think this through. It can be very hard to live as a blended family,even without bringing a new baby into the mix especially with someone you don't know well. Think long and hard .

Adelecarberry87 Wed 09-Dec-15 16:00:12

Wow talk about being in the deep end with things. I could say both of you have been irresponsible but the fact is your pregnant so best to focus on that. Have you even meet his children and your child? Just because your pregnant you shouldn't rush into living together. More than often having a child with someone you dont know, never lived with ontop of additional children from a previous relationship is a recipe to fail. I think it is still important to slowly build relationships with his children and your child with him but not necessarily move into the same household. As others said your relationship is in its infanty and people never know how they will feel in a blend family or the relationships between step children will be.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wed 09-Dec-15 16:30:02

Yes I would agree with most posters. Don't move in before you have the baby and stay near your support systems at first. I moved in and we planned a baby, I got pregnant. He was and is a wonderful father. But the stress was awful, you don't know how the other children will respond. And like your partner, mine has a high level job, and had resident kids. Suddenly I was parenting the lot.

Morganly Wed 09-Dec-15 21:55:44

I also think that moving in with him under these circumstances could be a massive mistake. Giving up your own home on such a slight acquaintance is so risky. You could end up homeless with a baby and toddler if it doesn't work out.

Think of your son. He has had you all to himself for two years and now he will have to share you with a man who is stranger to him, a new sibling who takes up nearly all your time and attention, plus, every other week, 3 older children who come as an established tight knit group that he will be on the edge of and may never be accepted into. Isn't this too much for him to deal with all at once? Spread over a few years would be more manageable.

If you want the baby, you can do this without making any immediate decisions about blended families. You may find in 12 months time, that you can't stand each other or you might find that you love each other and want to make a go of it but it is really far to soon to be making the decision to live together.

So what is it that you feel you need in terms of a "support system"?

If he has so many commitments that you hardly see him, I'm not confident he's going to be a lot of support with the day to day care. I think that's going to be down to you whether you are living in his house or your own.

ibinger Thu 10-Dec-15 05:05:12

Thank you so much to everyone for your insight and thoughts. After hearing what everyone has to say I think I will keep my apartment until at least until after the baby's born.

We have met each other children a couple times (just for daytime playdates) and so far it has gone well.

I'm trying to stay optimistic but it's nice to talk to someone with an outside eye to give me a more realistic understanding of all the challenges to come.

wannabestressfree Thu 10-Dec-15 05:21:31

Definately have a plan B.

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