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Just... sigh. Come and dump your xmas woes here.

(13 Posts)
chocoraisin Fri 04-Dec-15 15:07:29

Christmas politics. Feeling fed up.

All our DC are at their other parents this year, which is fine, we're on a rota and next year all four are home with us. Me, DP and both our ex's and their new partners are happy and amicable. At last! It's been a slog to get here.

It's the grandparents who are doing my head in. Making inappropriate invitations to ex's because they want to lay claim to time with the children. Causing a huge ruckus about not knowing 'who or where' to send gifts to children to, despite being told clearly and given addresses and step by step instructions. Complaining about the cost of additional children to shop for now there are stepDGC to take into account (who they are not obliged to buy for by any of us, believe me).

Makes me want to tell them to shove their mince pies up their arse and for xmas to get stuffed. Seriously lacking in cheer or merriment as far as I can see so far!

Anyone else want to have a moan?

Letitgoletitgo Sat 05-Dec-15 10:20:56

Hi choco, sorry to hear about the grandparents, Christmas is always such an awkward time, even when you think you have it sorted eh?!

My concern this year is dss and his dm. She just doesn't seem to want to spend any time with him anymore! Dp's "normal " access has gone from every Saturday and overnight (for first 5 yrs of dss life) to every weekend, Fri night after work to sun eve, plus he takes him out for dinner one night mid week every week (we're too far from dss school for overnight). We seem to be having him more and more of every school holiday, and for the first time this Christmas we have him from Christmas eve morning through to end of 28th, then back on 31st till Sun 3rd eve. I just don't understand - she has 3 other dcs with other dads so will still have other kids over Christmas, but doesn't seem to want dss. :0( Dp obviously loves having him but he also can't ever say no, I need a break. So he is either working or has dss. There is no other break, ever, either for he and I or just for him. (I also have 2 dcs who live with dp and I nearly all the time, go to their dad eow.) Please don't think I don't want dss here with us, but I honestly do worry for his relationship with his dm. It seems the only time she spends with him is doing the school run /day to day etc.

Letitgoletitgo Sat 05-Dec-15 10:22:06

Sorry op, just realised that isn't entirely about Christmas, but is the not having any time with him at Christmas which has shocked me because Christmas eve /morn was the one thing dp was never allowed to have.

yankeecandle4 Sat 05-Dec-15 12:50:20

OP it's great that everyone is amicable. Well done on that front!

Regarding wider family; it sounds frustrating but from their perspective changes in what were once family traditions can be really hard (for them). Remember that the ex's will always be the parent of their grandchildren so some families like to include them in celebrations/invitations, which I feel is really nice.

Celebrations involving your own family/inlaws can be hard enough, but when you throw divorce/separation/new partners into the mix it takes a lot of work and compromise. All the best.

Creiddylad Sat 05-Dec-15 21:20:04

Try and enjoy the time at Christmas when you do not have the kids. We have them alternate Christmases. When we do not have them we go away for a couple of nights, go to the theatre, go out to dinner, spoil ourselves.

This Christmas we do not have the kids, whilst I will miss them loads, I am looking forward to a quiet week. Going to the pub on Christmas day then off to the country on boxing day for a few days and to see friends.

Looking forward to new year when the kids are home too.

Let them all get on with it and plan nice things for yourself.

OutToGetYou Sat 05-Dec-15 23:46:38

Dss dm has known for literally half the year that we're going away with him over Xmas, first time we've ever had him on the actual day. She phones today to ask when can she give him his presents then? Well, before we go or after we get back I guess. Or join us on holiday?
She then goes on to ask about new year..... No, she doesn't want him then, she has made plans.....
So we've got him from 19th to 28th and the 31st to 2nd. If she has home for a day between 28th and 31st I'll be surprised.

We also have him just loads now. Every w/e in Nov, we have him Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights, then she tries to get us to have him Thursday 'because you might as well'. Currently in the longest dss free period for, well, probably all year, as she had him from Wed and we won't see him til Monday. She's had to phone dp twice to ask about how and when to get to his weekend clubs because, she just doesn't know cos she never takes him.

On the plus side, the less time he spends with her the more stable he is and the better his behaviour.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 05-Dec-15 23:58:32

Oh it's a laugh isn't it?!

I had good intentions of spending most of Xmas day at home with my DCs and my XH, as we have done for the past 3 years. XH sent me a message announcing that he is spending the day with his GF so will 'pop in' to watch them open their presents (at 6am?!) and then go home.

I've told him I'll leave it to him to tell the DCs as I don't need to deal with the tears!

That means I now get to spend the day alone with just the DCs or I am invited, as ever, to DP's house to spend it with him and his DCs and waiting on his lazy ex. At least I would get to spend it with him but I'm pissed off that I still have to spend the day with an ex and it's not even mine!

And Choco (you know me, not sure if you know my current name though!) this is the ex who will be eating off his plate, napping in his bed and generally making sure I know this used to be her house - argghhh! Despite generally not drinking, I may be tempted to join her in a bottle glass of wine to make it through the day!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 06-Dec-15 00:00:21

and unlike your family, his don't acknowledge my DCs as being part of the family so don't buy for them, whereas my lot automatically invite him and his DCs with me and give them equal gifts to my DCs.

As we don't live together I get that it's tricky for them to know what's what, but it's not that hard to add a couple of selection boxes onto the Tesco shop or something is it?

MeridianB Sun 06-Dec-15 11:24:35

Mark, that sounds rubbish. What sort of GF would want to keep a man from his children on Christmas Day? I'd have run a mile if my DH had suggested it. Unless they are hoping/expecting you to invite her too?

You DP needs to deal with his ex. I'd feel he was condoning her behaviour if he did not say 'Don't do that' about the food and bed etc.

chocoraisin Sun 06-Dec-15 21:32:01

Mark I feel your pain!! aargh. Nightmare ex situation, I don't know how you do it!! wine and skype soon?

I'm actually looking forward to xmas day with just DP. I think we may opt for a StarWars marathon (we are that geeky). I have my DC non-stop now until the 23rd and they come back on the 27th, then with us til school starts back. So it's not going to be a quiet holiday other than xmas day/Boxing day really!

I know it's silly but it's just nice to have a bit of step-solidarity now and then. I wouldn't moan in RL.

Letitgo that sounds so sad for SDS, and outtogetyou, similarly - but if it's best for SDS then I guess that's good? Family is complicated isn't it??

Thanks for the well wishes as well yankee and creiddy smile merry crimbo to you too!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 06-Dec-15 21:37:13

Thanks Meridan. He has tackled a lot of it, pointing out how things she says and does can be misconstrued and make it look like they are closer than they are, but he accepts that you can't fundamentally change a person, so she will always end up doing or saying something else inappropriate!

My xh and his gf were both invited to DP's last year, didn't come but thanked us and said "maybe next year" so they know they'd be welcome to join us and do something all together. I can understand why they'd like a grown up day to themselves, but I just don't get why someone would choose that day to have a kid-free one! There's the whole Xmas/new year period to do that.

Fair enough if you're taking turns at Xmas, but he will never choose to have them for the day (nor would I want him to) so it's sad that he'll choose 'popping in' rather than stay for lunch at least.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 06-Dec-15 21:39:22

X post choco!

Glad things are mainly working out with you parents even if the GPs can't get on board with it! I guess we're lucky in a way that we don't have that issue. There's enough people to consider at the moment without adding GPs in too.

HormonalHeap Sun 06-Dec-15 21:54:32

grinAt shoving their mince pies up their arses. I know this sounds mean spirited but there just seems so much pressure on all families let alone step families.

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