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How do you cope ??

(13 Posts)
Bumble2508 Sun 22-Nov-15 20:32:00

Hi all
iam finding it tough not to say anything !!
I met my bf ova a year ago after splitting up with my husband of 7 years
We were both honest from the start I told him id been married and he said he had a kid I met his child after a month of us dating and we hit it straight of I love them both so much
My issue is that we are goin for full custody of the child and have temp custody until court the mother is suppose to see the child once a week and so far she has never turned up on time and has always dropped the child back early she has missed days and used awful excuses once even that she forgot !!!! We are always left to pick up the peices espech me as the child seems to find it easier to talk to me about the mum and the upset she is causing. Its getting awful to the point that she tells the child she will be down and doeset turn up so we phone to ask where she is and she gives some lame excuse as to why she hasnt phoned and cant come down and we are left to explain to the child and make excuses for her to the child as to why she isnt here again, it breaks my heart everytime I see the dissapointment on the childs face and tears in the eyes its making my bf very angry as its hurting his child and he sees my heartbreaking to.
How do I cope with this and stop myself from going mad at the mum

Sneeziemcweezie Mon 23-Nov-15 07:07:59

I think in a situation like this it's sometimes best not to tell the child they'll be seeing their parent if you aren't 100% certain they'll turn up. Be at home and have everything ready for them if they do turn up, but don't have kids sitting waiting. It avoids the heartbreak of them knowing the parent didn't turn up, but is a nice surprise if they do. It's unsettling all round, but stops them feeling rejected if their parent, for whatever reason, is not reliable enough to always turn up.
I too used to get angry at the let downs for the DSCs but realised it's not my battle, so you have to find a way not to mind it or to let that go - this makes it easier to have a positive relationship with their parent too. I do sympathise though, the number of weekends, holidays and plans that have been messed up and stopped me doing other things is far too many to count. (Yes, I still get mad as hell when my plans for my own time get ruined because someone else has forgotten what has been long agreed and I have to do look after the DSCs instead - but I do what I can to make sure the DSCs don't see that)

Sneeziemcweezie Mon 23-Nov-15 07:14:02

Oh, one other thing, when the DSCs talk to you about their other parent you have to be just a sounding board - you cannot afford to ever have an opinion. Listen and allow them that space to talk, ask how it makes them feel etc, but never have a (negative) opinion about that parent. It's hard when it affects you too, but you have to do whatever you can to support the relationship with their parents.

Wdigin2this Mon 23-Nov-15 10:18:22

Absolutely agree with Sneezie, on all points! Try to make it so that mum's visits are always surprises, not easy when you have to work around it but worth it to protect the child, because she obviously isn't going to!!!

And Snezzie's point about remaining neutral in any discussions with DSC about their mum....absolutely crucial! Any negative views you air, will eventually come back to bite you....not an easy job this stepmothering lark, is it!!!

Bumble2508 Mon 23-Nov-15 10:36:34

Thanks guys
Its realy difficult to not tell the child as the mother phones up in the week once or twice after school and announces that she will be down at the weekend and asks the child to think of what they can do together, we did ask if she could try not mention the weekends as when she doesnt turn up its devastating but 1 it is difficult when the child asks her if she is coming when they speak on the phone and 2 she kinda does what she wants. I think its a way at getting bk at my bf trying to annoy him by not doin as he asks n tbh if it was anything else I would let it got but its the child that she is hurting by doin this.
And in regards to the child talking about the mother to me I have no problems what so ever iam just glad that the child feels comftable and trusts me enough to speak to me about any issues. I have never once said anything negative to the child about the mother I leave all that for when I vent at my mum lol I dont see it as my place or in the interests of the child to bad mouth the mother to the child, at the end of the day she will always no matter what she does be the mother and as the child gets older will realise what she does and how much she lets him down so much and make his own opinion good or bad of her. Iam just here for him to vent at and cuddle wen upset.
thanks again
x x

Sneeziemcweezie Mon 23-Nov-15 14:22:08

I know where you are coming from on that Bumble - when the parent talks about what they'll do at the weekend and gets the child all excited and you have to wait in the wings to see if it actually happens, ready all the time to pick up the pieces.
Time is a great revealer; in our case the DSCs have learned from painful experience not to get excited about any arrangement made with their Mum until their Dad confirms it. That's because we won't start talking about anything like that until we know its definitely going to go ahead - so much easier with holidays where we've actually seen the travel ticket details than for the more routine weekend arrangements.

Wdigin2this Tue 24-Nov-15 06:36:54

Bumble, I think it's disgraceful when any parent lets their children down, just to score points/get back at the can anyone use and hurt their DC like that?
But you're right, he will grow and mature, and hopefully with the good example of parenting, you and his DF are giving him, he'll form his own ideas about his DM's behaviour.....shame that he has to go through such disappointment though!

Bumble2508 Wed 25-Nov-15 21:22:50

I think he is already starting to realise tbf said to me today dnt know if ill c mummy at the weekend do u ? I said I cant promise u either way yes or no as last weekend I said yes and u didnt get to c her iam sorry. And the reply I got was its ok I know its not you and daddys fault I love u both lots and when u say we are doing something we always do. Its mummys fault for telling porkys, to which I replied she didnt tell porkys she thought she was coming but something came up which ment she couldnt come and c u and dss said u dnt have to be nice she was mean to me I waited all weekend for her but got to have the whole weekend with u and daddy instead.

HesNotAMessiah Wed 25-Nov-15 22:21:46

Hi, keep ploughing that furrow the child needs to know you're there.

I've watched on as ex's behaviour has gone from ok to weird and back again, there's nothing you can do other than be a pillar of stability and love at your end.

It may be heart breaking to see the disappointment but compared to watching parents fight its nothing.

Best wishes x

Bumble2508 Thu 26-Nov-15 09:41:07

Thank you ☺iam always goin to be there for dss no matter I love him and his dad far to much and we are a family unit I get included in all decisions etc my bf sees us as a family unit 2 parents and our child its just hard to know what to say and what not to say dss my bf says that when iam asked the awkward questions to awnser them how I see fit as he trusts me and will back me and tbf he always has we are v.much on the same page with everything and ive told bf that if him and the ex have a ''dissagreement'' not to do it around dss as its not gd for him but I also think that dss comes to me as b4 I was on the scene there was words etc said infront of dss wrongly or rightly and not just from bf n the ex but grandparents and aunties etc I think or like to think that he sees me a neautral party and iam happy to be seen as this if it helps him talk or get things of his chest iam just worried as said b4 that I wont be able to awnser all his worries etc and its difficult to know if iam doin this rite lol I dnt have any children of my own so have no experience of any of this.
.sorry for waffling on
Thanks again guys x

Sneeziemcweezie Fri 27-Nov-15 19:47:59

Grrrr. DSCs due to go to their Mum's for the weekend and she's cancelled an hour beforehand. DH left to explain it to them but the excuse she gave is not really one he can say to them so they're all feeling rubbish and the youngest is looking lost and bewildered. So, so unfair and nothing at all we can do about it. Because it was an overnight stay they'd had to be told so they could pack stuff.
Every time I think things are improving something gets lobbed in like this and they have to deal with it. OP I now need to take my own advice, breathe and not mind because its not my problem.
Lesson to self: life will always chuck something to remind you not to be so smug

Bumble2508 Fri 27-Nov-15 21:51:01

Oh hun iam sorry to hear that. U are rite there everytime things start to go smoothly a spanner gets thrown into the works and it sucks because its left to us and oh to pick up the peices its not fair on the kiddies but you are rite it is out of our control and we can only work with what we have. It gets so annoying having to make up excuses for their ex's doesnt it !! But we can only do our best and put it all back together for the kiddies and show them no matter what we will always be a constant in their lives and wont let them down. Just know there are always people on here to vent to that are goin through or have gone through the same thing so we can help each other through it
x x

OutToGetYou Fri 27-Nov-15 23:20:16

dp's ex is always doing this.

This week we had dss all last weekend, (it wasn't 'our' weekend but we had him extra due to a couple of events - dp was due to pick him up after his club at 5, then ex said can dp take him to his club at 2, then ex said can he come 9am instead as she has a haircut!), then we have him Mon, Tue and Wed nights every week anyway, and it's our weekend so he's back tonight until next Wed.

So, over two weeks, she only had Thu night. Dp was taking dss over there last night about 5 (when she's back from work, so dss was with us from school until then) and ex phoned, on speakerphone in the car, and said he may as well stay with us as we've had him all week anyway - dss hears this, of course. Dp [luckily for his balls remaining attached to his body as we had planned to go out last night] said no, we're on our way, he's coming to you.

Honestly, I think she'd just prefer never to have him. I don't understand it.

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