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If you don't live with your DP which things do you do together?

(16 Posts)
MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 22-Nov-15 19:57:07

I'm feeling a bit peeved today as my DP has been away for a week, came back yesterday and spent the night here with me, his DCs and my DCs, which was nice, so nobody missed out. His DB called him yesterday and invited him over for Sunday lunch today, so DP left my house at lunchtime to take his DCs to lunch at his DB's with no mention of me being invited.

I thought I got on well with his family, they seem to like me, but I feel like he/they don't consider me part of the family, despite being together for 3 years. We don't live together due to the logistics of DCs/schools, but we are in every other way a committed couple. I know DP will feel bad if I bring it up, but will probably defend his decision not to invite me by saying there isn't room for me and my 2 DCs to go too, but I feel that is a lame excuse as his ex would have automatically been invited so it's only the 2 DCs who are 'extra'. I feel that we should come as a package, but either DP or his DB obviously doesn't see it that way.

My DB texted to ask me what he should buy DP's DCs for Xmas. DP's brothers don't buy for my DCs. I feel like we are not considered part of his family, AIBU to feel left out?

purpledasies Mon 23-Nov-15 09:38:21

We do live together, but still don't always visit each other's family along with all the kids in tow. If my DC are at their dad's I'll always come with DH (and the DSC) to visit his mum, but I think she finds all of us a bit much so don't often bring my kids along. She's not their granny and even though she's kind to them she doesn't really have the connection she does with her own grandkids. My own family live further away so about half the time I go with my own DC and leave DH behind. The other times he comes too, but only once have we ever taken any of his DC - and even then not all of them as my parents just don't have the space to accommodate us all (plus the older ones would have found it a bit strained).

I think if you don't live together there aren't really any rules, so you do need to talk though what you do and don't do together, and make it clear to wider family what you'd like them to do - but also take into account that it can be hard - logistically if nothing else - for them to accommodate a family that's suddenly twice as big as it was.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Mon 23-Nov-15 11:54:57

Thanks Purple, have been mulling over my expectations and wondering how far the family can really 'blend' when we don't live together. Even those who do I think have issues with wider family knowing who to include in what.

It just makes me wary of including him too much in my family stuff, as I feel aggrieved that it's all one-sided. I wouldn't dream of accepting an invitation to visit someone while he was here, if it didn't include him. But I suppose that's just a matter of etiquette.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Mon 23-Nov-15 11:56:01

Sorry, muddled sentence! *Even those who do live together, I think, have issues with wider family knowing who to include in what.

Wdigin2this Tue 24-Nov-15 06:48:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable... but In your position I would think twice about even trying to blend your two families! Once you've taken that step, it can't be untaken!
Of course, it can be a positive move, meaning that eventually if you live together, all the people concerned should be used to you as a package....but it can also bring difficulties of the your kids, my kids variety! Honestly, if I had my time again, I would have thought more carefully about getting so involved with DH's side, and vice a versa!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 25-Nov-15 14:54:58

Good point Wdigin, perhaps the answer is to enjoy the lack of blending and all the aggro that could bring! My instinct is to uninvite him from all my family stuff, but I know that's just being petty. However, maybe I shouldn't be in so concerned that I miss out on some of that stuff. I think it's harder because his ex is still friendly with his family, so it feels like I haven't really established my place in their family as she is still taking it!

But I'm not going to be able to change it, so I suppose it's about learning to live with it and seeing the positives.

Thymeout Wed 25-Nov-15 18:39:56

His ex still has a place in his family because she is the mother of their grandchildren, auntie to nieces and nephews etc. I'd think less of your in-laws if they'd pushed her out just because your DP has changed partners. Bear in mind that it was probably she who facilitated your Dp's family relationships by remembering birthdays, buying presents and initiating social occasions. It's up to her how much she wants to continue being friendly with them.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 25-Nov-15 20:30:33

Yes I know thyme, I'm still friendly with my ex-in laws so I get that she shouldn't be ousted, it's just hard to be considered as just an optional part-time partner when his previous partner is still very much entangled in the whole family.

yankeecandle4 Wed 25-Nov-15 20:57:37

Maybe the fact that you don't live together gives them the impression that you are a partner, but not his "family" yet? Does he consider you (and your DC) to be his family?

My Mum's side treated my Step Dad as family from day one. Twenty + years later and I have never met a single person from his family, which is actually really weird. He always went to his family with his children alone. It is only in the last few years that my Mum was introduced to them!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 25-Nov-15 23:10:25

Good point. I think because he spends half his time at mine with me and my kids every week he does seem more like part of our family. We can't stay at his house anymore due to him having lodgers, so when his family drop in and see him at home they are more likely to bump into his ex visiting the DCs there than me.

purpledasies Thu 26-Nov-15 08:18:55

I think it's fair enough that his ex is allowed to keep up her relations with his family. But to leave space for you in your DP's life it might be better if she kept these up separately, not with your DP.

Could you see whether he could visit his family at a time when you don't have your own DC with you? My DH's family have been very welcoming to me, but I think find it easier when it's just me with DH and his DC, rather than two extra children as well.

swingofthings Thu 26-Nov-15 09:34:28

I personally think that after 3 years together, it really isn't acceptable any longer. I do think that the issue with your partner though. If his DB called him the day before to invite him, he wasn't to know forcibly that he was with you that week-end. It should have been him saying that he couldn't do so that week-end and then either say he would get back to him to discuss with you when he was free to go, or say that he was with you and wouldn't be a problem if you all came together, or alternatively, if space is an issue, arrange to meet somewhere else rather than his home.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Thu 26-Nov-15 13:25:02

Thanks Swing, that's what I thought. But he says it wasn't a big deal, just a random lunch not a big do.

I used to sometimes go to things with him and his dcs but tbh my DC-free time is pretty precious, so these days I tend to leave them to it on those days, so it's not like I want to be included in everything.

Anyway, we've cleared the air about it now. I'm holding a bit of a grudge as last year he went to visit an old friend and said that he wanted us all to go together but then we'd have to go in my 7 seater and he wanted to show off his new car. So I didn't go.

Felt a bit shitty about that as you can imagine, and he has acknowledged that it was a crappy way to express himself. However, that lingering feeling that I'm not good enough still pervades everything.

swingofthings Thu 26-Nov-15 18:10:13

Do you say anything as it happened? We often feel that it is not appropriate and don't dare doing so, but I have found that it can be the only way for them to really register that we are upset about something and actually be willing to do something about it.

yankeecandle4 Fri 27-Nov-15 07:52:12

Sorry OP but from you've said it sounds like he wants to keep things a bit separate.

Wdigin2this Sat 28-Nov-15 08:07:48

I agree with Yankee, it doesn't look like he's ready to fully committ,

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