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Can I get some advice please?

(5 Posts)
VicWillia Sat 21-Nov-15 08:41:34

Hello smile

I'm just looking for some advice please.

I have one ds aged 5. Myself and his father, my ex husband, have a 50/50 care arrangement - one week he is with me 3 nights, the next week it's 4. This isn't ideal for me because selfishly I want him to myself but that isn't an option, ds adores his dad and that's a good thing.

I've been with my dp 2 years. He has 3 children, a dd aged 7, ds aged 6 and ds2 aged almost 3. Dp and I see his children once one week, twice the next. My ds sees them weekly and for the most part it's been great, the kids really get on, especially my ds and his dd, and I think his kids like me. They are always giving me hugs and kisses. His dd even told me I'm her best friend.

Now onto the bit I need advice over. Dp and I are getting married next Autumn. My ds has been learning about families and has learned about stepbrothers and stepsisters. Hes excited that dps children will be his stepsiblings. But then he learned about stepmothers and he hasn't taken that so well. Hes not been upset but he's asking me a lot of questions which I don't know how to answer. Things like, the children (let's call them Ruby, Sam and Will) will Ruby, Sam and Will be my children after I marry dp? Will I go and live with them? Will I love them more than him? Will I buy them lots of presents? Things like that.

I'm not sure how to answer him. I feel like I can't just say I will always love him most because he's mine etc because I feel that that undermines the role I will play in R, S and Ws life, plus of course I do love them.

How do I reassure him?

purpledasies Sat 21-Nov-15 09:05:22

My DD got quite jealous of me being mum-like to my DSC, especially the one who is the same age as her. I did reassure her lots. I didn't exactly say "I love you*more*" but told her how she was my very special daughter and my only daughter. I think you can answer the questions honestly whilst also reassuring your DS that he's always your special little boy. Also worth reminding him that your DSC already have a mother of their own. Being a stepmum is a different kind of relationship from being a Mum. I think it's OK for everyone to recognise that, including your 5 year old

OutToGetYou Sat 21-Nov-15 14:30:03

The thing about love, and hard to explain to a 5 year old, is that there are hundreds of different types of love and always enough for everyone.

It's not like a drink of squash, if you drink it all, great. If you have to share it, well you get a bit less, everyone gets some but less than if everyone had their own. Love isn't like that. Love expands to fill the places it is needed.

I can understand why he might be worried about sharing but really not much will change except the title, if you even use it, it's not compulsory. Being step mum is more like being 'a n other trusted adult' in the life of a child, maybe like a teacher, god parent, or aunt/uncle.

But you can tell him not that you love him more, just that you love him differently, that the two of you will always have that special mummy and boy bond.

VicWillia Sat 21-Nov-15 18:43:17

Thank you both very much, you've given me a lot to consider. I like the different kinds of love. Will definitely take that angle.

3perfectweemen Sat 21-Nov-15 19:40:29

You just have to tell him you are his mum and (insert the Dsc mum name) is their mum. You help their dad look after them and you love them all but no one is more special than him smile

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