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Is anyone a SM and doesn't have their own children?

(16 Posts)
Wibhay Thu 19-Nov-15 21:24:19

Hi I've just come out of a relationship where I was a SM but don't have my own DC. I really really struggled and although I wanted to be involved with the SC I did feel very left out at times. Was the relationship doomed fm the start? And how do you guys cope? I long to be a mum of my own children one day but it isn't looking good right now sad

WSM123 Thu 19-Nov-15 21:26:45

oh, sorry it didn't work out. Im sure a lot of people on here might say lucky escape.
Have a read of other posts and you wont feel alone in the struggles you faced

Bananasinpyjamas1 Thu 19-Nov-15 22:53:45

I would say find someone to fall in love with who doesn't have kids, if you can. Easier said than done I know. Don't give up. flowers

TempusEedjit Thu 19-Nov-15 23:07:58

Hi Wibhay, good to see you over here.

Sorry you're hurting, you've had a lucky escape xx

Epilepsyhelp Thu 19-Nov-15 23:12:39

I was for six years but didn't feel left out in the slightest, felt very much like one of their two family units. I would suggest your DP was not facilitating the relationship at all if you felt left out.

Why don't you feel you will have your own kids? I'm sure that can happen if you want it.

BeeRose30 Thu 19-Nov-15 23:56:03

Hi Wibhay, I agree with pp you've had a lucky escape. Also what Epilepsyhelp says about your DP is spot on.

I am currently SM to 1 DSD who lives with us and I feel really separate and left out. It's bad enough when you live apart, but I'm made to feel like an interference in my own home and it's awful. I really want children myself, and DP has been talking about trying next year, but I'm not willing to bring a baby into such a dysfunctional situation.

You've been really brave to make the decision not to settle for that. Now you can focus on your own life and find a partner who wants to make a family with you, rather than one who uses you as a convenient add-on. flowers

MuttonCadet Fri 20-Nov-15 07:16:36

I'm SM to two DSS and have no children of my own. I've been in their lives for 8 years and totally feel like part of the family unit, but DH has facilitated that.

I think it's very dependent on how your DP sees you (and therefore treats you), children are usually fairly accepting.


shoeaddict83 Fri 20-Nov-15 10:17:38

I have been with partner 2 years and he has two kids 5 and 10, not SM yet although we do know its in our future to get married, and kids have been amazing. Couldnt ask to have been accepted better, and partner has been instrumental in that too. Partner is 11 years older than me and we agreed at the start of the relationship neither of us wanted children and were happy with his so that has made it easier tbh but that was our choice. Im extremely lucky as i feel very much part of the family unit and have a fantastic relationship with them both. I think a big part is your DP though - he has to help create that bond too.

LaContessaDiPlump Fri 20-Nov-15 10:21:37

My DH has a step-mum with no kids of her own. She's 65 now and if anything she holds the family together! She's very keen on arranging events, coming to visit etc, but does have a life of her own and doesn't suffocate us. She does speak sadly of not having her own biological children but she's as much of a grandmother to my DC as the biological two. They see DH's step-mum more than his mum tbh grin

Just wanted to provide a positive story. It can work thanks

MuttonCadet Fri 20-Nov-15 18:35:42

That's lovely contessa. smile

broodynmoody Sun 22-Nov-15 13:51:40

You've had a lucky escape. With my ex I had two sc and found it difficult often coming on here and other sites. I often felt left out, you'll never be their mum and no matter how much mutual affection it doesn't matter you had no right or authority. It's hard breaking up and not seeing the kids but after we split, 6 months later I found the love of my life, childless and now we're trying for our first child. No step children or ex to think about, both becoming first time parents. Look for that it's so much better and less stressful smile

Wibhay Sun 22-Nov-15 14:21:20

Hi broodynmoody sorry to hear that you went though that but I'm glad to hear that you've since found someone better and childless. I really hope that I can find that too I just worry that time is running out sad

broodynmoody Sun 22-Nov-15 15:32:43

I felt like that, when all my friends were getting engaged, married, pregnant etc. I stook with him for longer than I did because I tried to settle for him but it's easier said than done. I couldn't do it, I became down, no go in me, sadder, more anxious worrying about future scenarios when I did have kids and how things would become with the step kids and the ex etc. A few month split up I was going out with friends, got onto online dating just to go on dates and get over him and a big weight lifted off my shoulders. Then I met my boyfriend and looking back I wouldn't have changed a thing and so glad I got out when I did grinim the happiest I've ever been and me and my boyfriend get to become first time parents together which is what I'd never have gotten with the ex smile

Wibhay Sun 22-Nov-15 16:55:46

Oh broodynmoody I'm sooo happy for you. What a happy ending smile I hope mine turns out like yours xx smile

amarmai Sun 22-Nov-15 17:51:13

bee if it's your house ,he needs to move on and let you look for a better match. op you can make a fresh start as you have not got cc yet.

MummyZELC Tue 24-Nov-15 15:42:43

It's a very hit and miss situation. I became a SM before I had my DD with my DH and before my little girl came along the set up was generally peaceful. The occasional gripe due to exw making digs about me not having kids of my own - which I didn't take personally as I grew up with many siblings and from the age of 16 was taking an active part in my newborn siblings lives. It was only after my DD was born that the bitch let her true colours shine - DD got more attention, DD got more spent on her, SC didn't matter now DD had come along. The woman was vile. Basically these situations can be fucked by a bitter ex. Luckily it hasn't affected my relationship with one of my SC I am actually her mum now because her bio mums behaviour is so horrid and she adores her little sister, which was what my main worry always was, that she would resent my DD wasn't about me really

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