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dealing with devastated D.SC.

(12 Posts)
ZoeConnor85 Mon 16-Nov-15 22:39:06

I could actually go on forever about this topic but I will keep it short. My DH ex wife has been hell bent on making his life hell since they split 14 years ago. In the last two years DSC (youngest of two) has been back and forth, only deciding to go back when ex has refused contact because she is 'not a weekend mum'. DSC made the final decision to live with us and ex wife has totally rejected her. Said DSC cannot have the 'best of both worlds'. The kid is devastated it's affecting school work, etc tbh I think DSC is depressed now, and quite badly, obviously doing the necessary with school/doc/counsellor etc just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to make DSC feel better?
Without going into too much I can honestly hand on heart say that after ten years the ex has proven she is simply fucking evil and absolutely obsessed with my DH and even me now to an extent, the lengths we've had to go to so she can't send us abuse is above and beyond any sense of normality confused

Wdigin2this Mon 16-Nov-15 23:00:08

Wow, that's unbelievably awful! How could anyone do that to their child! I don't give a damn about how devastated you are, how hard being you protect your child from any harm, beyond the inevitable hurt that splitting the family originally caused!
Sounds like this poor child is lucky to have you, and you're doing all you can for her! I'm sure you already realise that it's never a good idea to slag your DSC's mother off to them, no matter how badly she behaves. All you can do is help her DF to protect her from as much of the battle as you can, and just always be there for her!

ZoeConnor85 Mon 16-Nov-15 23:05:35

If only the poor kid didn't know everything. The ex wife told the kids at the age of FIVE AND SIX the ins and outs of their messy divorce, the lies she has told them over the years are unbelievably shocking. Even more shocking is that for at least 12 of the last 14 years she has been with her current partner and they have a child who is ten. Honestly have never met someone as delusional and twisted as this woman, and it breaks my heart to see how much she has messed up her kid. I am Mum now and we have a good relationship, but at 15 with her hormones everywhere God knows what goes through her head. She's under no misapprehension at all that her bio is totally in the wrong, I just can't imagine how hard it must be for her to accept it sad

ZoeConnor85 Mon 16-Nov-15 23:12:58

Everything she has said to us she has said to DSC as well sad even going to the extent of telling her own child she has made her poorly and forced her to be admitted to hospital with a nervous breakdown (which was an absolute lie the hospital were phoned and she wasn't there)

Wdigin2this Mon 16-Nov-15 23:57:36

Dear God....what a dreadful woman, she obviously has no thought whatsoever for anyone but herself! Her child will eventually grow up, and have an adult's view of how badly her DM behaved...let's hope she doesn't have need of a daughter then!

coffeeisnectar Tue 17-Nov-15 00:49:46

That's awful. All I can suggest is emphasising to them how much you love them and to dsd that you are so glad she lives with you. Make her understand that none of this is her fault, that the only person responsible for her mum's words and actions is her mum. Nothing dsd has done has caused this.

Poor kids.

Asteria36 Tue 17-Nov-15 00:55:55

Shit! Why on earth are people allowed to behave like this? As others have said, your dsd is lucky to have a sanctuary away from her mother and it sounds like you are doing a marvellous job. Stepmothering is bloody hard work, especially when you are patching up the shitty job that a birth mother has done.

Sneeziemcweezie Tue 17-Nov-15 10:05:47

We had a similar, though not so extreme, situation a few years ago. The DSCs were in pieces at being left yet again and I just didn't feel we were equipped to deal with it all by ourselves. We found a child counsellor and we had a session with her to find out how best we could support the DSCs - that was really useful as it gave us strategies to use to help DSCs vocalise what they were going through rather than bottle it up and other ways for them to express their feelings without worrying we were standing in judgement of their Mum. For me what was absolutely crucial was that they felt supported and listened to by us with absolutely no negative comments ever about their Mum so that if/when she chose to be more involved they could do so with absolutely no guilt, divided loyalties or concerns. The DSCs were then given the option of a one-on-one session with the counsellor so any stuff they felt they absolutely could not say to me or DH went to the counsellor. It resolved a lot of problems and I'd strongly recommend you talk to the counsellor as well as your DSC. You may not be able to do that with the counsellor arranged through school, but its worth investigating.
15 is a hard age anyway, and to be dealing with this on top of hormones and everything must be really hard for your DSC - you sound like you are doing a great job supporting her and being there for her. Sometimes the best/most important thing you can do is listen and be a sounding board. Oh, and give really good hugs

MummyZELC Tue 17-Nov-15 16:18:18

Even after months of this I still can't get my head around it, the thought of hurting either my SD or my DD like this is incomprehensible to me, and my DH. The level of emotional abuse my SD has been subjected to should be illegal - physical abuse on the same level would lead to prison, no doubt about it

MummyZELC Tue 17-Nov-15 18:18:18

Just realised my name change didn't affect the original post confused

JellyTotBean Tue 17-Nov-15 19:06:02

A lot of mum's behaviour from your post sounds attention seeking and a lot of what she's told your DSD is what seems to be a port of access to get a reaction from her.

Appalling behaviour, I agree. I think the best you can do is just be there for your DSD (as you already are), even if it's just to sit and not say a word while she vents so she can have an outlet. Reassure her that none of the things her mum has said are her fault. You can feel so lost when your rejected fro a parent that weather or not you like to admit it, you need a lot of reassurance. I imagine she probably doesn't know where she fits in because of the rejection from somebody so close. I

It may be worth asking the school for advice re a counsellor or just inform them of what's been going on so they can keep a closer eye on her at school.

I would also suggest some family therapy with your DSD and DH. Ultimately to help your DSD but Mum's actions will obviously have a huge emotional impact on the pair of you too - especially when you see the hurt it causes to someone you love so dearly.

MummyZELC Tue 17-Nov-15 19:52:11

Thanks for the advice we have a meeting at school this week and will be discussing whether medical intervention may be needed for SD state of mind sad
It's so frustrating because she knows her mum is horrid, and is taking her bitterness towards my DH out on her. We have actually moved quite a distance away to give DSD a fresh start, and to take her away from all the bio's minions who are sucked in by her bullshit stories about us 'turning her against her 'real' mum'
DSD has been forced since being a toddler to call SD 'dad' however I am and never will be her mum apparently. She's an absolute fuck up and I wish someone somewhere would see her for the poisonous bastard she really is, because her game playing has caused so many issues for the poor girl. My DH can deal with whatever she throws at him but he blames himself for the fact his DD is being punished for his ex wife's hatred of him. As for her partner I have no idea what fucking planet he lives on watching from the sidelines and not seeing that his bat shit crazy girlfriend is obsessed with her ex husband. The mind boggles

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