WHen there's not enough prosecco in a bottle...

[HesNotAMessiah]

DP - yes I'll reiterate house rules again and we won't go through the same nightmare we did last year with new DSC relationship.

DSC - I'm going out tonight with new flame, c ya.

Quick conversation about home time which ends in be grateful it's not the really small hours of the morning.

Result? No house rule mentioned, DSC gets their way, we both sleep, or probably not, waiting for DSC to do their usual breaking down the door mode of entry at whatever time.

Because DSC's watch only has two times - now, which is when they want something and 'whenever' which is when we want something.

And maybe it would be fine if it didn't impact the rest of the family, we still have to get up in the morning for the other DSC and likely as not late night DSC will want a lift to work cos they're tired.

How do I get DP to see this isn't working? Or is it and I'm just issuing the step family dynamic???

[LikeTheCoolKids]

How old is the step child and do they not have a key?

[HesNotAMessiah]

Ok, I should have mentioned responses trying to discover the underlying family arrangement wouldn't be really helpful.

I'm quite aware of those.

And that's why I want to find an effective way of pointing out to DP there's something not quite comfortable in allowing the DSC to dictate house rules in what is also my home.

Key or no key, don't tell me you wouldn't be worried about them being out late?

Of course I can just refuse to take part in other family events (ie early morning taxi driver) because one of the DSC kept woke me up in the middle of the night.

Or maybe one bottle is enough and I'm being unreasonable and DSC should be allowed to contribute nothing, not even politeness and still be allowed to do whatever they want.

[LikeTheCoolKids]

Well that depends if your step child is 13 or 21 surely?

Anyway, I will stop being unhelpful.

[HesNotAMessiah]

If they were 13 and out til all hours this would be a different topic, instead a of being about DP promising one thing and doing another.

Not about the child, all about the parent and their relationship with the partner they're supposed to be sharing their life with.

Maybe a case of Apple and their spell check getting the better of me, but that's what I was trying to get across!

[StanSmithsChin]

I see Likes point tbh age does make a difference. At 18 my parents treated me like an adult as long as I was respectful in the home. Even now at 38 if I go stay with my parents and go on a night out with friends my mum still lies awake waiting for me to come in.

I am not seeing what your issue is OP.

[Maroonie]

Sounds like the issue is an unsupportive DP and that whatever was agreed should be stuck to

[NerrSnerr]

It is impossible to answer without an age. Is it possible they're doing it on purpose because your hour has strict rules ( no key, asking when they'll be back ?) and they're making a point of being grown up and coming back when they want?

[PrettyBrightFireflies]

While I agree to an extent that age may be a factor on expectations, actually, if the DC in question (adult or child) is expecting a lift to work from the adults in the house, and is disturbing the household when returning from a night out the no matter what their age, they are not behaving like an adult.

So, the OP is quite within her rights to expect her DP to set boundaries, until her DSC can behave like the adult that they may, or may not, be.

[Wdigin2this]

Thirteen or twenty one, makes no difference in respect of agreed house rules! But, I take your point Like...you were simply trying to get a handle on the problem, and to OP, nobody wants you to risk being 'outed' in RL, but it was a reasonable question!

[MeridianB]

Disengage. No waiting up, no lifts, nothing. Your DP fails to set house rules so he can deal with the natural consequences.

[PacificDogwod]

From what you're saying this should be in 'Relationships'?

What does your DP say when you tell him that you feel unsupported and undermined?

And yes, the age of the DSC of course makes a difference, but I agree, disengaging may be the (short-term) answer here until you and DP sing off one hymn sheet.

[PinkGinny]

You know what the OP and her DP might never sing of the same hymn sheet on this - they might just have different ideas on what is and isn't acceptable.

So whilst the DP might 'agree' to house rules whilst chatting with the OP it just won't come naturally to him to enforce. From the OP there appears to have been a conversation around what/when of coming home that was acceptable to both parties (that is the DSC and their dad) - perhaps he thought it was close enough to the 'house rules' and recognised a compromise from his daughter so he was happy?

He actually can't win - piss-off daughter (and possibly try to enforce something he isn''t fully behind) or piss-off partner. In my experience when both parties are in agreement on what the rules/expectations are and their importance, then enforcement isn't an issue as any 'breach' is recognised and dealt with. Issues arise when one party isn't fully bought into the approach or the importance of the rules.

Whilst it would be fair to say I have a pretty shitty relationship with my former husband now this type of scenario wouldn't have made me feel unsupported or undermined whilst we were together. It's part and parcel of living with someone.