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Step parent adoption - experiences please!

(11 Posts)
Mummyofonesofar Wed 04-Nov-15 15:50:01

Will try to put in all my facts - but we considering step parent adoption and wanted some experiences - positive and not to help us decide if it is worth the process!

My DS is 7, my EXP hasn't seen him since Summer 11, he was violent towards me and there was a 2yr restraining order put in place to protect me - the violence was never against DS. He was allowed to contact me indirectly and had my solicitors details but I was never contacted. He has never paid money for DS nor sent cards/letter etc. I have been with a new partner for 3 years and living together for 2.5. DS chose to call DP Daddy just before we starting living together. He understands his birth history, we spoke about adoption last year but DS couldn't really grasp the idea of what it meant so we backed off. I am expecting twins in March, brought it up again with DS and he would now like to be adopted by who he sees as his real Daddy. He also wishes to change his name to be mine and DPs doubled up - currently he has EXP surname but uses my surname for everything non legally - school work, clubs etc.

EXP is on DS birth cert so has PR. I have no idea whether he will contest it or not - I no longer know him! I can only see stories online of people applying for adoption when birth father was still on the scenes or stories in America where it seems to happen more often. Would appreciate any guidance/experiences etc. Thanks

Mummyofonesofar Wed 04-Nov-15 17:56:28

Sorry for any typos! Hope I posted in the right place.

Mummyofonesofar Wed 11-Nov-15 14:34:12

Still would appreciate any guidance or help

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Wed 11-Nov-15 14:41:24

I can only speak as someone who was the child in that situation. I was adopted by my stepfather at the age of five - best thing that ever happened to me! Bio wanker was violent to my DM but agreed to give up rights when My

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Wed 11-Nov-15 14:43:51

Posted too soon!

He gave us his rights and I haven't seen him since. I was old enough to understand what it was happening, and my parents stressed the angle that I was chosen.

I could easily make contact with bio wanker now but I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire. I have a really good relationship with my (adopted) Dad!

Mummyofonesofar Thu 12-Nov-15 08:54:56

It is good to hear it worked out for you x

ricketytickety Wed 25-Nov-15 09:51:24

I'm looking for advice on this too...

I've heard the step parent can either adopt or get parental responsibility without formally adopting. Which one is better?

I'm worried about how birth father will react because although he does nothing for her financially/physically he might still kick up a fuss about losing parental rights. How do you go about approaching the birth father?

ricketytickety Wed 25-Nov-15 09:54:30

some old threads discuss how you don't have to adopt to get parental responsibility.

Also wonder how long you have to be together, do you need to be married etc?

AwfulCuntForTheButter Wed 25-Nov-15 10:05:18

My social worker told me that in cases such as historic DV, if the bio father contests the adoption, he can be overruled if it's considered to be in the best interests of the child.

DH is about to start the process of adopting DS1, in circumstances similar to yours, Mummy - his 'father' was violent, DS witnessed it all, although he was a small toddler at the time. Ex hasn't seen him since his final arrest for assaulting me, over 3 years ago. DS has no memory of him, and only knows DH as Daddy - I didn't influence him either, he quite naturally thinks of him that way.

I'd give social services a call, to see where you stand. This is the one time I've been glad to have their involvement (long story), because they can really fight your corner. Best of luck OP flowers

Mummyofonesofar Wed 25-Nov-15 11:08:35

Thanks Butter could luck with your adoption too.

I am mostly worried about the bit were than can overule "if in the best interests of the child". What circumstances are these? When I was visited by social services in 2011 they said to me if I ever went back to the violent relationship I would be putting my child in harms way and they would reconsider my ability to be a parent. But the police told me that ex could contact indirectly about seeing DS as he never laid a finger on DS and I was at risk but DS wasn't. Most of the domestic abuse was threatening, financial, emotional etc. But the two times he attacked me - once DS was in my arms as a baby and then 3 years later DS was safely tucked up in bed. Also he was never charged for assault as CPS said they couldn't prove he did it, he only when he kept sending death threats afterwards he was charged with malicious communication but the police were sure he meant what he said and advised me to move away.

Lasvegas Wed 25-Nov-15 11:37:36

My DH and I tried this. Biological left when DD was 3 days old. Step dad in her life from 18 months. Biological has not contacted her. I was married to biological.

Social services recommended adoption, it took several years to find biological, Biological refused to agree. He had more cash than us for lawyers we were rep ourselves.

Got agreement to change surname at least. We had one hearing then gave up as we couldn't afford the estimated 11K of legal costs. After wards Social worker said she was sure judge would have ruled in our favour.

We plan to try again when DD is 14 so she can state her own case.

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