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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Can the bm ban me from seeing my step kids?

29 replies

ths20 · 03/11/2015 23:55

I came home last weekend and my step kids were staying. I spotted antibiotics on the kitchen table, I asked who they were for and the kids said they were for their younger brother ( their mum's latest child from a new relationship ) but she was giving them to her older boy as he has a cough. I refused to give him them as they are not prescribed to him and checked the label clearly said his brothers name. I messaged their mum to say that I was reluctant to give medication that's not prescribed to the child and that not taking antibiotics as prescribed by the doctor is potentially dangerous. I had a horrible reply telling me I was nothing to the kids, stay out of it etc. I should have not reacted but did and got cross saying if I was nothing to the kids then I would not bother to nit comb them anymore but can she please do it as I am sick of them bringing headlice round here. Next thing she is at my door demanding that I wake the kids up and she took them home. I'm now banned from seeing them. My partner is lovely but won't say anything to her.Plus he works 5 night shifts and has his kids weekends so I won't see him now. :(

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Wdigin2this · 04/11/2015 00:21

What a horrible situation, but you were quite right not to give the medication if you were solely responsible for the children, also how you may have reacted badly to the woman standing at your door kicking up a fuss!
Your DP is reacting as many men do when their EW makes things awkward....head in the sand till it goes away!! But he's going to have to man up and put her straight on the situation as it really is! He should reaffirm the child shouldn't have been given the medication and that he wouldn't have given it either, and depending on what terms the visitations are based on, I don't believe she can stop him having the DC over, but she can make life difficult!
I'm a bit confused though, about whether you actually live together, or he has the DC around at yours on weekends?

ths20 · 04/11/2015 00:29

We don't live together, he stays weekends at mine and sleeps at his house during the week as he works all night and it's noisy in the day at my house so he sleeps at his, then picks his kids up after sch for a few hours before going to work and has them weekends. I have two kids of my own who have bonded with his children and are upset they can't see them . I have just brought his kids beds, rearranged my house to fit them in. I can't see the situation changing as he is scared of her. She's a big lady , and has been aggressive in the past. He won't tell the kids the truth so it looks like I'm avoiding them as he says I'm busy, when they ask why they can't come over. I know his kids come first and am devistated over the whole situation.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 04/11/2015 00:46

Oh how awful! But she cannot tell him where he can or cannot have the DC, so I'm afraid, as I said...he's going to just have to confront her and tell her that he will be bringing the children to yours whatever she says, and if necessary go to the courts/social services for back up on this! Is he physically scared of her, or scared she'll stop him seeing his DC altogether?

StanSmithsChin · 04/11/2015 08:00

Tbh you should not have been the one texting her. Their father should have done that. Then again he sounds feckless.
The ex cannot stop him from spending time with you and the children, she has no control over that.

You need to leave this relationship, if he is reluctant to go against her now life will be very tough for you if your relationship progress to moving in etc.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 04/11/2015 08:19

I agree with stan - not your call to contact the DCs DM.

Your DP placed his DCs in your care - so any issues you have with the way he has asked you to do that (including asking you to medicate them) should be addressed to him. If he chooses to go along with his ex's directions, then there is nothing you can do, other than explain your own opinion.

The DCs mum was understandably defensive, so it's no longer the phone call got hand baggy. Why on earth are you nit-treating your DSC hair? Back off, let the parents parent, and decide if your DP is the kind of dad you want to make a life with.

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 08:25

Long and short of it, when the kids are in dads care she can't ban who they see. In the same situation I also wouldn't have given the medicine but I would have left communication to dad.

MythicalKings · 04/11/2015 08:28

She can only ban you as long as your DP allows her to.

AyeAmarok · 04/11/2015 08:33

Ideally you wouldn't have contacted her directly but as I understand your post, you were the only one looking after them and you DP wasn't there? I agree with you about the medication.

He's put you in a very difficult position here.

m1nniedriver · 04/11/2015 08:47

She has absolutely no power to stop you seeing the children. A court wouldnt give it a second thought. I think it must be hard for a mother to loose control of who is around her kids but that's the way of it. I read up about this s lot as I thought we were going to have issues like that (we didn't), after reading I wasn't concerned. Your DP should be standing up to get though. She has no legal right to stop him or you seeing the children.

I would suggest your DP do some reading on it, perhsps it will give him the confidence to stand up to her. Failing that there are the courts. Absolute nightmare for you OP, good luck with it all.

StanSmithsChin · 04/11/2015 09:04

I am a bit confused.

You say he works nights in the week so stays at his own place, then has the DC overnight at the weekends at your house. So where was he when the medicine debacle happened as you said the mother came to your house and made you wake the children up?

MeridianB · 04/11/2015 09:24

I'm confused, too, OP. Where was your DP that night she came to take them?

You were absolutely right to refuse to give the medicine. Apart from it being wrong for your DSS, it's worrying to think that her younger child was not getting it/finishing the course.

As others have said, it's up to your DP to put her right on all of this.

hampsterdam · 04/11/2015 09:24

Agree that you shouldn't have contacted dm about it, I would have just not given the meds but maybe got some cough medicine to give instead. Then let dp tell her at drop off. Anyway... no I suppose legally she can't stop you from seeing them but in a practical sense she can make things very awkward if your dp let's her, which it sounds like he will.

m1nniedriver · 04/11/2015 09:32

I suspect the OP didn't mean any harm when she messages the mother first of all. To get a response like that to a civil message puts defenses up straight away. How long have you been with your DP?

I

purpledasies · 04/11/2015 09:34

She can't stop her ex from seeing his kids. And he may take them where he chooses when he has them. But if your DP's contact is reliant on you actually looking after them for whatever reason, she probably can go to court and say that this access arrangement is not viable or in the chidren's best interests.

Your DP is the one who should be deciding whether or not to go along with giving medication that she wants to give the child, not you. I'm a SM as well as a mum myself, but I'd be well pissed off if I got a text not from my ex, but from his DP criticising some aspect of my parenting. Nothing worse than trying to co-parent with someone you never chose to have children with.

StanSmithsChin · 04/11/2015 09:36

The OP had no need to text the mum. The OP wasn't asked to give the medication out, she simply saw it, asked about it then decided to message the mum stating she wasn't going to give it to the child.........as far as I can see nobody bloody well asked her to!

What she should have done is let the father deal with it then there wouldn't be the issue there is now.

lunar1 · 04/11/2015 09:37

You are not going to have a great future with a man who can't make decisions about his own children. Why has he got you acting as a go between? Had he agreed to give the medicine?

I'd have a serious thought about if this is what you want for your future.

StanSmithsChin · 04/11/2015 09:45

I have just read the OP again and no I am even more confused

OP states she came home last weekend and the SDC were already there so I can only assume dad was there too unless the children are all old enough to be left on their own, which in turn would mean they are also old enough to administer their own medication. Still doesn't explain where dad was though.

More holes than Swiss cheese this one

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 09:52

Maybe he was there and then went to work in the evening? That could have been the case. Even still, it should have been sorted before he left

StanSmithsChin · 04/11/2015 09:57

But the OP says he stays at his home all week as he works nights and it is noisy at her house??

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 09:59

Yes but that doesn't mean he doesn't work at weekends. He may stay there all week to get rest but has to forgo rest when he has his kids. I don't know...I'm just guessing

PatriciaHolm · 04/11/2015 10:00

She can't ban you, not if your partner chooses to allow you. However, they aren't your step kids; they are your boyfriends children, and at this point, it's entirely his job to deal with this kind of discussion with her. Sniping at each other on email was only going to end one way, wasn't it?

WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 10:01

I read it that it's due to her kids that he stays away....not his

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WhoGivesAFlying · 04/11/2015 10:06

I'm hoping that's the case and it's not just he's to feckless to deal with it....i'd soon be gone

StanSmithsChin · 04/11/2015 10:09

But wouldn't he have had to collect his kids to take them to the OPs house as they were already there when she arrived home?? Hence shouldn't he have been there too unless he had already left for work which means the children were left on there own until the OP arrived? If they are old enough to be left by themselves then what was the OP doing making it her job to give out the meds as surely they would be old enough to do it themselves if they are old enough to be left alone? Still doesn't explain why dad didn't do anything about the medication.

ths20 · 04/11/2015 10:59

My partner was there when I got home and I wish I hadn't messaged his ex to say about the antibiotics. I should not have taken matters into my own hands. I had been asking him for about 6 months to tell his ex the kids were caked in headlice and he never does so I stupidly decided to message her. I treat the kids as they are crawling in them and my kids then catch them. I am sorry if people think it's not my place but the birth mum should do it but never does and because of my partners insane work hours and amount of time he sees his kids, he's always exhausted. So I try to help as much as I can. He's looking for a better job but we live in rural Wales where jobs are few and pay is awful. He pays lots of child maintenance and has the kids tons so she can work.

I really regret messaging her and need to tell my partner to man up and talk to her as I can't sit by watching kids being neglected. They turn up in shorts and t shirt even on freezing cold rainy days. The little 4 year old boy grinds his teeth really loudly in his sleep and has nightmares. The other week he was shouting out his step dad's name in his sleep while flaying about. My partner never tells the mum and it's driving me mad. The kids shoes are often ill fitting and the 4 year old's toes are growing over each other as if he's never had the right shoes. My partner has started taking them for shoe fittings but then mum sends then in old shoes next time. She is done up with hair straightened , nails all done and make up. But kids are left to suffer. It's really not on..:(

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