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Step-parenting

8 months pregnant, need advice. Going crazy!

138 replies

amylynn2014 · 02/11/2015 04:19

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I have 3 kids (7,9,11) from my previous marriage. I'm 8 months pregnant with boyfriend who has 2 kids (7,9). When we first got together he seen his kids EOW and I was his world, treated me like I was NUMBER 1. I realize a lot of this was honey moon stage BUT... about 5 months into our relationship him and his MOMMY (mamas boys syndrome BAD) decided to get 50/50 custody. Now, because his divorce wasn't final yet, his attorney advised him to be living with his mom until it was final. Because of this I believe he felt at the time 50/50 was right because his mommy took care of everything and said she'd help out, yadda yadda, they even remodeled house so his kids had a bedroom there. Fast forward a year later and his divorce is final, he moved in with me and I'm stuck with this 50/50 custody I HAD NO SAY IN. Mind you this IS MY HOUSE I got in divorce so I could raise MY 3 CHILDREN.

We've been together for 3 1/2 years now. His kids have different mannerisms than mine, they are needy, dumb, helpless and are given everything without earning, and allowed to play hours of xbox. I teach my kids to do chores, to be independent, polite, and xbox time is VERY strict, etc. They're always up his ass, very loud, obnoxious, and I find them intentionally taking away attention from my kids.
SO here's where I'm at now. This year he started a job where he's out of town, like a lot. The last job he was gone almost 2 whole months. Before that it would always seem like somehow (almost as if planned but not) he'd get back on a Wednesday (which is his night to have them along with Thursdays). So if you can imagine.. I'm basically a single parent raising my kids, doing everything alone, cooking, cleaning, homework, groceries, etc.. while he's out of town. Then when he gets back it's like it's ALWAYS his time to have his kids. I can't FKN take it. It doesn't help that he is one of those guilt stricken disneyland dads that believe kids come first and puts them on a pedistool. When they are around it's like i don't exist and he doesn't give me any love or affection as if he's protecting their feelings and afraid to make them jealous. These kids are like little fragile babies that always whine and cry.
At some point during this 2 months I hit a brief nesting stage, and also a little out of resentment towards his kids, I found the perfect opportunity to remove their bed from my house and turned that room into babies room. Afterall, baby will be here full time and these hoodlums haven't been here in months so why allow them to intrude our space any longer. Now every time he is back into town if it's not his day to have kids we get along GREAT, like high schoolers in love. But as Wednesday approaches we get into it about his kids coming. He's mad they have no space in the house, and I said I'm ok with them being here EOW but not on school nights because it DISRUPTS my KIDS routine I worked SO hard to establish. SO we break up and he goes to his mom's with his kids and acts like I don't exist AGAIN. Then it's time for his to leave town for work again, leaving us NO time together.

Yesterday even though we broke up like 2 weeks ago we thought we'd try trick or treating with all our kids. It went OK I guess at first. Then as the evening approached I asked if he was staying at his moms, clearly hinting I'd like him to stay with me so I can have at least a little of his time before he left today FOR A WHOLE WEEK. He said he was staying at his mom's and repeated for the hundredth time "my kids have no space in your house and I go where they go". Mind you, it was about bed time and there was no reason his mom couldn't watch them as he had to leave bright and early this morning anyways. He was just throwing it in my face that HIS KIDS COME FIRST.
Now I fail to understand why he can't see WHY I don't like these kids. They constantly come before me, are put on a pedistool as I'm on the back burner.. but yet I'm supposed to open my doors to them with love??!! Maybe if I felt their presence wasn't a curse then I'd consider it. Anyways.. to wrap this up.. we are broke up and trying to decide if we should work on things. He's being so damn stubborn and basically acts like I have to make the first move and make room for his kids and allow them to be here 50% of the month, and then he will work on the things I asked. Well the problem is he already admitted to me that his kids will always come first and I honestly don't have it in me to have these kids in my house at ALL let alone 50% when there is NO benefit to me whatsoever. Them being here only has disadvantages. Please help! I understand I'll probably get mean comments but hey I'm being 100% honest and I'll never get anywhere sugar coating things. I used to say I hated the kids but I had an epiphany and realized it's the boyfriend who I should hate, the kids are just the ones that end up getting my wrath, they act how you allow them to act. They are needy annoying brats because they are taught they are the center of the universe.

Because it was a decision him and his mom made, I feel THEY should raise the kids 50%. BUT what I'm reaching out for advice with is.. where do I stand? Where does OUR baby stand. I have NO problem taking care of my 3 kids without his help. They are all old enough that they are easy and if anything VERY helpful, I raised them to be mature, helpful, young ladies. But I have needs, I like love, attention, affection and I get NONE because he's either out of town for work, or at his mom's with his kids. I'm lucky if I get his time 2-3 days in a month without his fkn kids up his butt.

AND if his KIDS are so damn important, what about OUR baby? That's his kid too. So when she is born, if he only has 2-3 days with me that means he only has 2-3 days with her because his life revolves around his first TWO. Seems a little hypocritical.

I'm very concerned that once my baby is here that his guilt trip with his kids will get even worse and baby won't get the attention she deserves. And I'm overwhelmed as it is with 3 kids and 1 on the way, and he wants to throw 2 more at me?!?!? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, I wanna add this really odd feeling that I can't quite explain. When he is out of town (he just left this morning for a week) I suddenly, almost instantly feel a relief of tension, like I don't miss him as much. I still feel lonely and all. But when he is in town all I can think about is how I get none of his attention, I feel like I have to compete with his children for it and lose every time. It'almost as if while he's out of town I kinda have a feeling of "ya I'm not getting his time and attention but at least his kids aren't either." Yes that's immature, but these resentful feelings come from years of being neglected because of them.

I get excited because I feel confident that I can live without him and move on. But as soon as he gets back to town the cycle start all over again. He's in town and I cross my fingers that he's had a wake up call and will man up and be a loving caring boyfriend and treat me right, but NOPE always runs to his kids every time like I don't exist. BTW, in case anyone was wondering. When he's at his moms, she does ALL the cooking, cleaning, picking up after kids, takes them to school, etc while he plays xbox all day or is working. He doesn't even really spend time with them, he only has the 50% custody for show so he can say he's not a dead beat dad. But 50% custody does not make you a great dad, esp when you don't have to do ANY of the work.

Basically what I'm trying to say is.. if his MOM died tomorrow and we stayed broken up.. how the hell would he survive this 50% custody? He's out of town a lot, even when working locally he leaves at 6 am making it impossible for him to get them to school, he doesn't cook, clean, grocery shop. He is good about making sure they do homework and sometimes getting them in the bath. But let's face it.. there's more to parenting than homework and baths. Never takes them to the doctor, does not pay bills (financially yes, but I mean literally calling and paying, running the errands to pay them, etc). If he didn't have me OR his mom, and had an apartment 50% custody wouldn't even be an option. So what I'm trying to say is.. I which he would modify it to where it was more feasible to OUR current situation. Which is.. we're just not at a point right now where we can handle them that much. Especially when baby gets here!

That's why I hate his mom. If it wasn't for her obsessed attitude over the kids, making sure he knows "if your girlfriend won't take care of your kids I WILL", then he might WAKE UP and realize it's not what works for US!!

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MascaraAndConverse89 · 02/11/2015 05:19

Phew! That was long!
amy, in all honesty you sound better off without him. You have your own house and security for your children, and it just doesn't seem worth compromising the peace and space in your children's home for the sake of an on off relationship with this man.
His mum is a cheeky mare btw. "If your girlfriend won't take care of your kids I WILL". I'm all for step parents making an effort with their stepchildren, but not to the point where they are expected to become default childcare provider and make the children the centre of their universe! You have 3 soon to be 4 children of your own and he works away a lot, so his mum should honour the contact arrangement she arranged with him rather than expecting you to have 3 extra children.

I think you should just stay apart. You don't need him. I know your baby is just as important to him as other children, and you will need to stay in touch with him for your baby's sake, but romantically just don't go there anymore. If he doesn't bother with your baby girl because he's focusing more on his older children, then he's just digging his own grave isn't he? Make sure you get all of the financial support for her from him and leave the door open for him to see her. If he doesn't bother then she will make up her own mind about him in the future.

Good luck!