8 months pregnant, need advice. Going crazy!(139 Posts)
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I have 3 kids (7,9,11) from my previous marriage. I'm 8 months pregnant with boyfriend who has 2 kids (7,9). When we first got together he seen his kids EOW and I was his world, treated me like I was NUMBER 1. I realize a lot of this was honey moon stage BUT... about 5 months into our relationship him and his MOMMY (mamas boys syndrome BAD) decided to get 50/50 custody. Now, because his divorce wasn't final yet, his attorney advised him to be living with his mom until it was final. Because of this I believe he felt at the time 50/50 was right because his mommy took care of everything and said she'd help out, yadda yadda, they even remodeled house so his kids had a bedroom there. Fast forward a year later and his divorce is final, he moved in with me and I'm stuck with this 50/50 custody I HAD NO SAY IN. Mind you this IS MY HOUSE I got in divorce so I could raise MY 3 CHILDREN.
We've been together for 3 1/2 years now. His kids have different mannerisms than mine, they are needy, dumb, helpless and are given everything without earning, and allowed to play hours of xbox. I teach my kids to do chores, to be independent, polite, and xbox time is VERY strict, etc. They're always up his ass, very loud, obnoxious, and I find them intentionally taking away attention from my kids.
SO here's where I'm at now. This year he started a job where he's out of town, like a lot. The last job he was gone almost 2 whole months. Before that it would always seem like somehow (almost as if planned but not) he'd get back on a Wednesday (which is his night to have them along with Thursdays). So if you can imagine.. I'm basically a single parent raising my kids, doing everything alone, cooking, cleaning, homework, groceries, etc.. while he's out of town. Then when he gets back it's like it's ALWAYS his time to have his kids. I can't FKN take it. It doesn't help that he is one of those guilt stricken disneyland dads that believe kids come first and puts them on a pedistool. When they are around it's like i don't exist and he doesn't give me any love or affection as if he's protecting their feelings and afraid to make them jealous. These kids are like little fragile babies that always whine and cry.
At some point during this 2 months I hit a brief nesting stage, and also a little out of resentment towards his kids, I found the perfect opportunity to remove their bed from my house and turned that room into babies room. Afterall, baby will be here full time and these hoodlums haven't been here in months so why allow them to intrude our space any longer. Now every time he is back into town if it's not his day to have kids we get along GREAT, like high schoolers in love. But as Wednesday approaches we get into it about his kids coming. He's mad they have no space in the house, and I said I'm ok with them being here EOW but not on school nights because it DISRUPTS my KIDS routine I worked SO hard to establish. SO we break up and he goes to his mom's with his kids and acts like I don't exist AGAIN. Then it's time for his to leave town for work again, leaving us NO time together.
Yesterday even though we broke up like 2 weeks ago we thought we'd try trick or treating with all our kids. It went OK I guess at first. Then as the evening approached I asked if he was staying at his moms, clearly hinting I'd like him to stay with me so I can have at least a little of his time before he left today FOR A WHOLE WEEK. He said he was staying at his mom's and repeated for the hundredth time "my kids have no space in your house and I go where they go". Mind you, it was about bed time and there was no reason his mom couldn't watch them as he had to leave bright and early this morning anyways. He was just throwing it in my face that HIS KIDS COME FIRST.
Now I fail to understand why he can't see WHY I don't like these kids. They constantly come before me, are put on a pedistool as I'm on the back burner.. but yet I'm supposed to open my doors to them with love??!! Maybe if I felt their presence wasn't a curse then I'd consider it. Anyways.. to wrap this up.. we are broke up and trying to decide if we should work on things. He's being so damn stubborn and basically acts like I have to make the first move and make room for his kids and allow them to be here 50% of the month, and then he will work on the things I asked. Well the problem is he already admitted to me that his kids will always come first and I honestly don't have it in me to have these kids in my house at ALL let alone 50% when there is NO benefit to me whatsoever. Them being here only has disadvantages. Please help! I understand I'll probably get mean comments but hey I'm being 100% honest and I'll never get anywhere sugar coating things. I used to say I hated the kids but I had an epiphany and realized it's the boyfriend who I should hate, the kids are just the ones that end up getting my wrath, they act how you allow them to act. They are needy annoying brats because they are taught they are the center of the universe.
Because it was a decision him and his mom made, I feel THEY should raise the kids 50%. BUT what I'm reaching out for advice with is.. where do I stand? Where does OUR baby stand. I have NO problem taking care of my 3 kids without his help. They are all old enough that they are easy and if anything VERY helpful, I raised them to be mature, helpful, young ladies. But I have needs, I like love, attention, affection and I get NONE because he's either out of town for work, or at his mom's with his kids. I'm lucky if I get his time 2-3 days in a month without his fkn kids up his butt.
AND if his KIDS are so damn important, what about OUR baby? That's his kid too. So when she is born, if he only has 2-3 days with me that means he only has 2-3 days with her because his life revolves around his first TWO. Seems a little hypocritical.
I'm very concerned that once my baby is here that his guilt trip with his kids will get even worse and baby won't get the attention she deserves. And I'm overwhelmed as it is with 3 kids and 1 on the way, and he wants to throw 2 more at me?!?!? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I wanna add this really odd feeling that I can't quite explain. When he is out of town (he just left this morning for a week) I suddenly, almost instantly feel a relief of tension, like I don't miss him as much. I still feel lonely and all. But when he is in town all I can think about is how I get none of his attention, I feel like I have to compete with his children for it and lose every time. It'almost as if while he's out of town I kinda have a feeling of "ya I'm not getting his time and attention but at least his kids aren't either." Yes that's immature, but these resentful feelings come from years of being neglected because of them.
I get excited because I feel confident that I can live without him and move on. But as soon as he gets back to town the cycle start all over again. He's in town and I cross my fingers that he's had a wake up call and will man up and be a loving caring boyfriend and treat me right, but NOPE always runs to his kids every time like I don't exist. BTW, in case anyone was wondering. When he's at his moms, she does ALL the cooking, cleaning, picking up after kids, takes them to school, etc while he plays xbox all day or is working. He doesn't even really spend time with them, he only has the 50% custody for show so he can say he's not a dead beat dad. But 50% custody does not make you a great dad, esp when you don't have to do ANY of the work.
Basically what I'm trying to say is.. if his MOM died tomorrow and we stayed broken up.. how the hell would he survive this 50% custody? He's out of town a lot, even when working locally he leaves at 6 am making it impossible for him to get them to school, he doesn't cook, clean, grocery shop. He is good about making sure they do homework and sometimes getting them in the bath. But let's face it.. there's more to parenting than homework and baths. Never takes them to the doctor, does not pay bills (financially yes, but I mean literally calling and paying, running the errands to pay them, etc). If he didn't have me OR his mom, and had an apartment 50% custody wouldn't even be an option. So what I'm trying to say is.. I which he would modify it to where it was more feasible to OUR current situation. Which is.. we're just not at a point right now where we can handle them that much. Especially when baby gets here!
That's why I hate his mom. If it wasn't for her obsessed attitude over the kids, making sure he knows "if your girlfriend won't take care of your kids I WILL", then he might WAKE UP and realize it's not what works for US!!
Phew! That was long!
amy, in all honesty you sound better off without him. You have your own house and security for your children, and it just doesn't seem worth compromising the peace and space in your children's home for the sake of an on off relationship with this man.
His mum is a cheeky mare btw. "If your girlfriend won't take care of your kids I WILL". I'm all for step parents making an effort with their stepchildren, but not to the point where they are expected to become default childcare provider and make the children the centre of their universe! You have 3 soon to be 4 children of your own and he works away a lot, so his mum should honour the contact arrangement she arranged with him rather than expecting you to have 3 extra children.
I think you should just stay apart. You don't need him. I know your baby is just as important to him as other children, and you will need to stay in touch with him for your baby's sake, but romantically just don't go there anymore. If he doesn't bother with your baby girl because he's focusing more on his older children, then he's just digging his own grave isn't he? Make sure you get all of the financial support for her from him and leave the door open for him to see her. If he doesn't bother then she will make up her own mind about him in the future.
He and his kids will be better off without you. Assuming this is real, you sound vile. Hth
Sorry, I've just re read and realised he's only got 2 children not 3. But my point still stands about his mum should look after them.
Thanks mascara! I kinda agree with you about his mom should continue watching them since that was THEIR arrangement I had no say in. However.. I also believe they should be with their BM NOT the grandma. It honestly makes no sense to me why someone would fight so hard for 50% when they're not even the ones taking care of the children. I feel like it's a status. I feel like I'm better off without him as well.. however.. It's hard because I have needs for love and affection, and esp being pregnant I can't find myself to get it from any other man. My loneliness gets the best of me and starts falling all over him almost begging for him to the point where he will say "well when you make space for MY KIDS in YOUR HOUSE, then WE can all be there". And that makes me cringe. Maybe I'd feel differently if I was a priority, but as long as his kids are all up in my house 50% of the time, I still won't get the attention from him I deserve and neither will my baby in a month!
As for the other poster.. your advice (if that's what you wanna call it) was vague and unnecessary. I'm not vile I'm honest. I've done my research and the feelings I have are completely natural and normal. You have never been in my position nor are you trying to be understanding. I have a responsibility to MY KIDS because from the beginning I've had full custody. I didn't throw any dramatic changes at him half way through our relationship. I have always put our relationship first, yes even before me kids (except needs and such of course). These kids have a mother and I believe she should be taking care of them with reasonable visits with dad. 50% is not reasonable with the lifestyle he has, and it certainly DISRUPTS my kids lives'. My kids didn't ask for this, neither did I. This is more my kids' home than it is mine as the only reason I have the house is because I was given it in the divorce with the understanding I'm responsible for my kids. It's THEIR space. His kids have their own bedrooms at their mothers house. Why should I shove my kids (who are here full time and call this HOME) in corners just to accommodate his kids? Why should my kids' routine be thrown off every week just so his kids can come play xbox and steal all the attention away from me and my kids and soon to be baby?
It sounds like you're a bit lonely and need company- but does it have to be from him? Do you have support from family and friends? You're probably feeling more vulnerable because you're so heavily pregnant. Once your baby is born and things have settled down, hopefully you'll feel much more stronger and you will feel strong enough to tell him you don't need him. Because you really don't. God I sound like bloody feminist there. :/
Well arent you stupid? First of all leaving your door unlocked so they could all move in without you realising and second of all magicking that baby in your belly despite being in relationship you arent happy in. If only there had been a way to prevent all that happening.
Anyways.. to wrap this up.. we are broke up and trying to decide if we should work on things
You shouldnt. You really shouldnt. For the sake of those poor kids please leave this guy alone. Let him stay with his mum. Let him have your baby EOW like you suggest he should have his other kids and leave it at that.
LoL.. what?! Leaving my door unlocked? Magicking? Who's the stupid one?
Anyways.. I don't have family here but I do need to find things to occupy my time so I'm not doting over him. As far as getting pregnant, I was on birth control when I got pregnant. This was also at a time when we were getting along very well, he had been putting our relationship first again.. but as you can see that was only temporary. He really started being disney dad putting his kids on a pedistool when he started working out of town. What I don't get is why he has an extreme amount of guilt towards his kids (whom are perfectly fine and have a mother to love them while not with their dad) but shows no guilt or emotion about abandoning me for weeks/months and leaving me with nobody and to do everything alone. As if I have no needs or feelings and his kids do!
LoL.. what?! Leaving my door unlocked? Magicking? Who's the stupid one?
You mean they didnt sneak in through an unlocked door? You actually let them move in? So you DID have a choice in this situation then?
SurlyCue- You are just as ignorant as he is. You say "those poor kids"? Excuse me but MY KIDS are victims too! You got me so angry now. You act like his kids are the only ones affected and that have feelings. Are you forgetting about MY 3 KIDS who had their HOME invaded? He also in the beginning was all about my kids not just me, put on a front making me believe he'd be there to take care of me and to step in as a dad for them. Then BAM, all of a sudden it's ALL ABOUT his kids and we're on the back burner. No lady, if the relationship is to be over it's to protect me and MY POOR KIDS.
Wow. OP you need to split with this guy for his kids' sake. As an adult of divorced parents with three step siblings who are very very different from me it would have broken me living under their roof with a step mum who thought like you.
I totally understand it must be a royal pain in the neck him being away so much and he shouldn't be dumping pressure on you but that isn't his kids' fault and he's damn right his kids should come first. I think you need to try and find someone child free who is able and wants to put you and your kids first.
When he first moved in they stayed with his mom every Wednesday/Thursday and they were here EOW, I was ok with that because they were visitors and I didn't have to accommodate a whole lot, it was do-able. Now guilty dad syndrome is back in full affect and he wants them on every day he's supposed to have them. Mind you, when he decided on 50% he lived with his mommy who promised to help him with this custody. Now I'm supposed to just take over all this responsibility I had no say in!
Excuse me but MY KIDS are victims too
Yes, victims of YOUR decision to move your boyfriend and his children in.
Are you forgetting about MY 3 KIDS who had their HOME invaded?
Are you forgetting who let them move in? That was YOU!
YOU chose that.
Now I'm supposed to just take over all this responsibility I had no say in!
You did have a say. You STILL DO! Say no.
You got me on this one. I am currently saying no. I'm just bitter because I now know he'll have NO time for OUR baby and it pisses me off and makes me resent his kids even more!
Well you picked him! You knew what he was like before you decided to have his baby. You knew he had 50/50 care of his DC. You can give him 50/50 care of your baby and then he'll be spending equal time with all his kids.
The word invaded implies that the children and their father have occupied the house without your consent. This is the point SurlyCue is making. You have been with this guy for 3.5 years, you knew about the 50-50 custody before you agreed to him moving in. Yet it seems to have come as a complete shock to you that that would involve his children being in your house, or 'their home' as it might otherwise be called, 50% of their time.
I am completely at a loss as to why he has gone for 50-50 custody given he is out of town for weeks at a time, presumably it was in an effort to avoid paying the mother of his children any child maintenance. Something you should probably consider as no doubt the same is coming your way.
During the 2 months when he was absent, did his mum have the children 50% of the time? WTF was the point of that, unless it suits the children's mum? It would appear that none of the caregivers in their life is able to put their needs first.
He sounds like an absolutely shit father. You were already a single mother and you will remain one now. All the children involved in this sorry mess deserve to have stability and security.
Btw youre an idiot to resent kids. They had no say in any of this. It was the adults in their life that created this situation.
He's always going to put his children first. The same way you put yours first. I totally get that you don't want them to live in your house that was given to you for your children and it's their security. As a mum that is you putting them first.
But he wants you to make space for them because as a dad he wants to put his children first. I can understand his PoV too. But it's your house and you make the ultimate decision, and your decision isn't compatible with his wants for his children. You can't be a blended family like this.
Some people are being unnecessarily harsh on here. I totally understand your thoughts OP and I get where you're coming from, but the reality is if you want to be with him it means compromising. Is it really worth it?
So how often would you allow him to see his kids? Every other weekend? I think if you imagine someone saying to you that is how often you could see your kids you can see where he is coming from? Does his kids mum want them more than 50%? You say you didn't ask for his kids but unfortunately they come with him just as your kids come with you. I'm afraid I don't think that getting back with him will work for you because of this
How on earth could it possibly work? Only an absolute shitstain (entirely possible he is one) would be with someone who spoke about his children like OP has. Why would you want to be with a man who accepted his children being talked about like that? Why would you want to be with someone who you didnt even respect? The relationship makes no sense. No-one involved likes anyone else involved.
Hell NO!. His mommy raises his current 2 children. I do not need his mommy to raise my baby.
icklekid- He's out of town for weeks sometimes months.. so during this time his mom has them 50% of the time (on his days). So asking him to see his kids EOW isn't bad IMO, it actually makes it more consistent. I don't see why they aren't with BM during this time. So when he is in town I get that he wants to see his kids but what I'm trying to get across to everyone is that these kids are put on a pedistool (babied, spoiled, helicoptered) when they're around and I get neglected because of if (which causes resentment). He is not on board with me disciplining them yet I'm supposed to open my heart AND home to them?! He parades around them almost 'shielding' them from me, meanwhile has no problem correcting and disciplining my kids.
I know I'm gonna get a lot of for this one.. but here goes. If his mommy died tomorrow I think his whole idea of everything would change instantly. Afterall, without her there would be NO 50%. If I stand my ground and say "NO this was NOT what I signed up for, not doing it!" then how on earth would he even continue the nonsense? He's not even in town half the time, when he is it's either me or his mommy that does the cooking, cleaning, etc. And most importantly, without his mom shoving his kids down everyones throat he would actually look towards me for guidance and advice and actually listen to my suggestions. He is needier than I am and as long as he has his mommy to take care of him and his kids HE WILL NEVER take me or my concerns seriously.
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