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Shared Care - Moving house.

(4 Posts)
MrsJonSnow1 Fri 30-Oct-15 22:13:26

Looking for some advice please, maybe not advice even - perhaps just comments from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Sorry it is long.

We are a "blended" family. My partner has two children, I have one and we now have a baby together. Been together 6 years, lived together for 4. We live near his ex and their former family home. He has equal Shared Care of his two (primary aged) children. His relationship with his ex is pretty awful, Court Orders, numerous Court hearings and almost zero communication.

We live in this area as it was easier for me and my child to move here than it was for him to move to us due to his ex and two children being here. We have lived here two years now and I am desperate to move "home" which is about 1hr drive away, so not huge distance. Various reasons, my child misses home and their old school, all my family and friends are there -neither my partner or me have any family here at all, this location is pretty remote and as I don't drive (medical reason) it makes it hard for us to get about as the public transport is dire. Working is impossible for me (he works full time) due to complete lack of childcare and no family assistance. This makes me resentful of being here and causes us to be in a difficult financial position. I don't like the primary schools here and they are far better back home. I feel rather "trapped" here now baby is here too.

I am SAHM to all the children and do lots of "childcare" for his two children who are at times quite badly behaved which I find hard with my own two as well. Initially they lived with us more (about 65:35) but since living with their Mother equal time their behaviour and manners have got worse. She has very different parenting, few rules and boundaries and they are allowed to do things that aren't acceptable here (fighting, no bedtimes, jumping on furniture, no manners, no expectations to tidy up their mess etc). They aren't "awful" by any means though and I am fairly certain if they were with us more again their behaviour would improve.

If we move I cannot see how we can continue with equal Shared Care of his two children term time weekdays. He would not be available to do the school run (two hour round trip) half of all school days as we do now - it wouldn't be possible due to his work or fair on them. Realistically either we just have them 1 weekend in 3/4 (as that's all he gets off work) and half holidays and they spend term time weekdays with their mum or we have them full time and they move schools to near our new home and see their mum alternate weekends and half holidays.

We are far from decided. There are pros and cons to both options and I am effectively asking him to see a lot less of his kids - which sounds awful I know. What do you all think? Would it be awful to approach their Mother and ask what she thinks and whether she would agree to them spending a greater amount of time with us and moving schools or whether she would want to take on the greater share of residency. They currently go to school near our house (15mins drive from their mum's) so I think if she had greater residency she would move their school anyway closer to her. She doesn't work at all so could logistically have them full time term time from that point of view.

Any thoughts or advice or comments greatly appreciated.

daisychain01 Sat 31-Oct-15 05:11:53

effectively asking him to see a lot less of his kids

To me, this is the fundamental issue because the change that you are proposing will disrupt a situation that is currently working ie you have your DC with you including your joint DC he gets to see his DC regularly. This change would be increasing distance of his DC, which currently isn't the case as you live near them (the reason you gave for being there). you mentioned that your DC miss their home, but what about his DC? this would affect them more because the contact with both parents will change.

His relationship with his ex is pretty awful, Court Orders, numerous Court hearings and almost zero communication. T

This is worrying. With almost zero cooperation from your DSCs mum, what makes you think she will even listen, let alone cooperative with any plans her ex proposes. If anything you could be confronted with her putting huge barriers in the way of anything he suggests. It will involve change and disruption, and she could see that as a threat to the stability of her children, plus she may also want a spanner in the works of 'her ex's s happiness because it involves you! (Been there, done that, got the t-shirt). If you ex has already had various court hearings then be prepared for him having more of the same on his hands.

Just because you think the DSCs behaviour would improve by being with you, shouldn't be a reason to disrupt the status quo by the way. The ex could equally turn that around and say the disruption would affect their behaviour a lot more!

I'm not deliberately painting a totally negative picture, but do want to highlight that any change of this nature may have good rationale behind it, but may be opening a can of worms.

What are your DPs thoughts on the matter (he would have the burden of negotiating with an ex he doesn't ever speak with....)

lunar1 Sat 31-Oct-15 05:49:23

Realistically you can't move while the children are still school age. If you are so negative about the mums care your husband isn't going to hand them over to her more than he has to is he. If the can't communicate with each other it's not very likely he's going to convince her to hand over primary care of the children to him. From what you describe there is no way your husband can move away in the near future.

Morganly Sat 31-Oct-15 10:35:19

I agree with both posts above but I also don't think that you should have to sacrifice yourself to this situation. So, are there possible compromises. You need to be able to work, have access to childcare, have independent access to transport, not be left in sole charge of his children more than occasionally. You may need to move a small way away, rather than all the way to your previous home, so that you have access to transport, work, social connections for you and the children. Your H needs to stump up the money for childcare.

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