Dividing inheritance

[Crwban]

I'm stuck and need some sound views.

An Aunt is giving lump sums to nearest relatives - she's always been generous but in her twilight years, she's thinking of reducing her estate. She has asked me whether I will accept a sum for my 2 young DS's (both under 10) and keep it for their future. I am so humbled by this and delighted that she thought of my boys especially when there are other relatives she could give more to. I have discussed it with DH and he's also humbled, but feeling disloyal to his eldest daughter, my step-daughter. She's 26 , qualified in her professional field and financially independent. She's gorgeous and we really are a happy unit.

I'm torn. My Aunt hasn't really been in a position to bond with my DSD - she lives in a different country, visited when DSD was in Uni, so hasn't factored her in at all. I need to discuss this gift later on today and I don't know what to say. Do I accept and feel disloyal to be eldest DSD? Or do I sound like an ungrateful grabber by reminding my dear old Aunt that I consider myself to have 3 children, and not 2.

[Hassled]

Your DSD presumably has her mother's side of the family from whom she will inherit? Your aunt didn't know her particularly and isn't related to her - I see know reason why she should also leave something to the DSD, just as I can't imagine DH's family will leave anything to my oldest DCs, his stepchildren. You shouldn't feel any disloyalty and I'm sure your DSD will understand.

[fuzzywuzzy]

It's up to your aunt who she wants to gift to. You can't ask her to gift to your SDD without sounding rude.

It's up to you to either accept the gift or not.

Would your SDD not have her maternal side of her family form whom she might inherit but your DD's understandably won't.

[Crwban]

Yes, there are strong and loyal connections with both DSD's maternal and paternal sides, including her own Step-Dad for that matter.

What you say makes sense but I feel so disloyal. Should I myself have been gifted the money then I would divide it between 3, but it's direct to DS's.

I know for certain that DSD would understand - she's not materialistic nor watchful at all, but if there's even a small chance that she feels left out, then I'll feel crushed. Our lives work so well. Despite the historical animosity of blended families, we (DH, I, DH's Ex, her new DH and all other relatives) have good relationships and are even on friendly terms. I don't want a generous gesture to rock this boat.

[iwantgin]

Your aunt doesn't want to gift the money to DSD so that's fair enough.

We have similar here- one DS, two DSSs. PIL gifted the DGC a good sum of money on their 18th birthdays . My DS is due to turn 18 in a few months - and I doubt he is going to receive it. But I am not going to ask about it, and indeed don't expect it. He has his other DGP to give him large gifts like that.

I can see how you would divide it, if it were YOUR money - but your aunt is a step removed from your DSD. She doesn't know her. If your DSs are under the age of 10 - then there is, in fact, no need for any of this to become public knowledge for a good few years anyway - as the boys won't need the money until at least 18. By which time even if DSD was a little irked at not being treated the same (which I doubt ) then she will be even more mature and be able to see it rationally.

Don't worry about it - I think you are overthinking it. :)

[Crwban]

Thanks gin and everyone else. I AM overthinking it. I guard our happy little unit with fierce protection and want things to remain happy.

[cannotlogin]

does your step daughter even need to know? if it is money that is being put away for your children's futures (children who are very young - probably not going to touch the money for at least another 10 years by which time your step daughter will be in her 30s, probably with children of her own), why do you even need to mention it? You could possibly nod to it as Aunt X's money in your wills if you think it may cause a problem in the event of both you and your DH dying.

If your DH is worried he isn't treating his children the same (which I suspect is thecase), can you possibly save the equivalent sum over the next 10 years and present it to DSD at the same time as the money is given for use to your children? would that solve the issue?

[leopardstick]

What?! Your aunt is leaving money to her two grandchildren and your husband thinks their inheritance should be reduced for his DD, who will no doubt inherit from her side? That is mental.

You chose to become a step parent and to treat the child as your own. Your family did not.

[leopardstick]

"What you say makes sense but I feel so disloyal. Should I myself have been gifted the money then I would divide it between 3, but it's direct to DS's."

I think this is precisely why she has left it to your two rather than leave it up to you. This is what she wants. You have no place IMHO to dictate to her what your husband's DD should mean to her.

[VegasIsBest]

There is no need for your step daughter to even know about this. Just quietly put the money in a savings account for your kids as intended and don't broadcast your private business.

[amarmai]

This has O to do with your sd. Your h sounds money grabbing and out for himself and his own offspring. I'd take his pushing this ridiculous notion as a warning and re-examine how else he has managed to skew things to benefit him and his. Do not allow him to guilt trip you into short changing your ss.

[Asteria36]

DH and I have had v similar conflicts whist writing up our wills. I have one DS from a previous relationship and DH has two DC (under the age of 10) from his most last marriage and one DD who is in her 20's. We are not going to have any more children as the dynamic is tricky enough.
DH has THE GUILT over everything and I understand his position, but my DS only has me and my family (his father is totally absent, both physically and financially) whereas the dsc have us, my family, his family and their mother's family.
Where the exW is the sole heir to a sizeable fortune, my wish is that anything from myself and my family should be for DS and then DH and his exW can portion off whatever they want from themselves to the dsc. My only stipulation is that whatever DH and I personally accumulate during our marriage should be split equally between all of our children. It is unbelievably tricky getting the balance right - we are just heading into yet another Christmas present minefield! The children all get showered with presents from my family and dh's family, but then the dsc go home and are given even more by their mother and her partners collective families. My feeling is that DS should get something big just from me in addition to what we give all of them so as to redress the balance slightly.

[ImperialBlether]

So when your husband's ex wife, his daughter's mother, dies, will your two children inherit too?

[MeridianB]

So when your husband's ex wife, his daughter's mother, dies, will your two children inherit too?

^ This

If the step mum wants to provide for step children in a will then fine but no one in her family should be obliged or expected to, surely?

Asteria It's sad that Christmas has become a minefield. Why not ask family (yours and DH's) to buy one gift of same value for each child?

[Wdigin2this]

I agree with Cannot, there is no reason this inheritance needs to be discussed with anyone, not even your under 10 year old DC! You can set up child savings accounts in both their names, with yours as the other person with account access, they don't even need to know about it, and at this young age why would they!
I have done this for a young relative, (you do need birth certs) and nobody, not even their parents. knows about it!
With regard to your Aunt, she doesn't really know your DSD or the family set up, so she is dividing her estate between those she knows and cares about, why bother or worry her with this matter, and I'm sure your DSD will be provided for by close members of her family.....don't worry yourself over it, it'll pass!

[Micah]

Just for the opposite PoV- my sd's family is well off in comparison, any materialistic.

Sd gets a lot of money spent on her- hundreds of pounds in birthday money (she got £1k this year), holidays, shopping trips etc. She's been bought a car for her 17th next year.

My dc will not be getting anything like it, but it really doesn't matter to them, or us. We don't feel any pressure to "match" gifts, even if we could.

Accept gratefully for your dc. It will all balance out anyway- if they have a lump sum for uni/car/house, you'll have more disposable income for the whole family.

[FishWithABicycle]

Your aunt has no obligation to consider your step-daughter her kin. YOU consider yourself to have 3 children but you can't force your aunt to feel a connection to someone she barely knows and has no genetic link to. Your aunt's money should do to the 2 DC's as she wishes.

I strongly disagree with the poster who suggested you save an equivalent sum for your step daughter to even things up. Whatever money you are personally able to save for your children should be equally divided between the three of them, not all given to one.

People are not all equal in wealth or luck or brains or strength or determination. You can't even things up between your 3 children in any of these categories and shouldn't try. Love them equally. Give them what you can of your own time and resources equally. Don't start giving one more because they have been less lucky elsewhere.

[chillycurtains]

Your DSD is no relation of your aunt. There is no reason for her to give money to your husband's child by another woman. She is not related to her.

That's life really. You get windfalls every now and again. Some get more than others, it's just how it goes.