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Can i or should i say something?

(18 Posts)
WSM123 Thu 22-Oct-15 20:42:30

I have a dilemma. 6 year old SS was heard at play centre (for a start hes too old to be there but that's another issue) saying hes going to be a better dad than his dad because he will actually look after his family. Its clear to me (and most people) that a 6 year old wont randomly come up with that sort of thing with out hearing it somewhere. My query is do I ask him about why he said it and if he really thinks that way, or should I just ignore it? the sad bit is my partner has been convinced by his ex that the child actually thinks hes a bad father.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Thu 22-Oct-15 21:01:43

Oh, delicate issue there!

I find a young kid will clam up or may just say what you want to hear if they can sense that an adult is asking them something important. I doubt the 6 year old will really know what saying 'he's going to be a better Dad' actually means.

Why not just go at it sideways, just carry on making the kid as secure as can be. And occasionally lightheartedly 'check'' out the boys feelings in general. As his Dad he could just carry on letting the boy that he loves him. Be constant and consistent in his life. Make sure he knows he is always there and do the things to look after him - food/clothing - nurturing - playing - giving him structure. The kind of things his Dad is probably doing already?

WSM123 Thu 22-Oct-15 21:32:08

Thanks Bananas, good advise, yes he is a very good Dad, he just doesn't have as much access as he would like through no fault of his own. In my opinion he is a bit spoilt (toys wise) but I understand why so not a big problem. Im sure he loves his Dad and is just parroting what he has heard.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 23-Oct-15 12:01:04

I understand though, it must feel quite gutting to hear that your own son is saying that about you as a Dad.

Thesearegoodtimes Fri 23-Oct-15 12:10:50

I'd ignore it. Actions speak louder than words. If he's parroting what his mum says and he experiences something different - the things Bananas is describing - then he will stop saying these things.

Of course if your dp is one of those Dads who don't support their children financially or take an interest in their lives beyond their contact days, then he might want to rethink that.

IME kids are quite astute at sniffing out what is the truth about their parents, and it's there regardless of what they are actually saying.

swingofthings Sun 25-Oct-15 13:56:18

I'd ignore it, probably taken out of context. I remember my DS saying that his dad stank at nursery. I couldn't understand why he would say that as his father never smelt and always had good hygiene. It turned out that what he meant was that he smelt of cigarette smoke!

minimalist000001 Sun 25-Oct-15 14:01:56

I don't think you should judge the boy at all but aim to ask how DH could improve. Be receptive.

There is a chance he genuinely feels let down and his dad could try harder. I think its normal for children to hold an opinion about how they are being parented.

minimalist000001 Sun 25-Oct-15 14:06:03

You can't be sure he is parroting his mother. Even if he is, the best approach is working out with DS what he needs from his dad. No parent is perfect. Every parent can improve

LlamaLover Tue 27-Oct-15 14:17:28

Why's a 6 year old too old to be at a play Centre?

NZmonkey Tue 27-Oct-15 17:31:33

If I remember correctly OP is not from Europe and where she's from play centres only go up to age 5, think they can stay till their 6 birthday at the latest but it would be unusual.

WSM123 Tue 27-Oct-15 18:43:56

Mimilist, I never said I was judging the boy, And yes I can be sure he is parroting the Mother because she has openly said she will tell him that. My partner Wants to see his children a few nights after work as well as every weekend but his ex only allows him to see them every second week. As for financial support, its compulsory here and taken directly out of his wages.
Swing of things and therearegoodtimes, thankyou for your useful help and NZmonkey, is correct, thanks for responding to Llama for me :-)

minimalist000001 Tue 27-Oct-15 18:55:38

If be asking him what areas he thinks DH should improve in. There's always space to be better.

WSM123 Tue 27-Oct-15 20:02:19

He says he wants to see his Dad more

Adelecarberry87 Wed 02-Dec-15 14:40:12

My son is 7 and he sees his dad regularly but is very close to his SD whom we share a child. Hes noticed a massive difference in how active role my DH is to our DD and him in comparsion to his dad and seeing him every day as to seeing his dad twice a week. Kids are very observant in such situations especially when they have siblings and having meals together, play time etc. He has commented on how he enjoys family time but when hes with his dad he often goes out and about to places or visiting families and which he prefers.

Adelecarberry87 Wed 02-Dec-15 14:42:14

Which is the family time with his sister.

purpledasies Wed 02-Dec-15 16:40:49

I wouldn't say anything to challenge him. But next time the opportunity arises I'd take the chance to point out to him how much his dad loves him, or how great he's been at XXXX. So reinforce whenever he's being a great dad.

At 6 he's a bit young to understand that his mum may hate his dad because they split up, but that he can have his own view that's different from his mum's view. He probably needs to be quite a bit older to really get that.

pieceofpurplesky Wed 02-Dec-15 16:57:15

My DS was 10 when his dad left. He said many things like this (older I know). I got the blame for putting words in his mouth ... Totally untrue. Exh also moans I don't let him have DS but then can never have him when asked (he can't do every other weekends due to sporting commitments in a Sunday hmm so only has him Saturday day but often has to drop him off early because of ... Sporting commitments).
So op I am totally in the reverse of your situation - it may not be your dss' mum, but other friends/family members

wowis Fri 04-Dec-15 12:52:12

Of course this could be something and nothing but I'd be monitoring carefully op because it stinks of parental alienation to me. My step daughters come out with all sorts about the sort of dad my dp is and at family therapy (because everyone that meets his ex ends up in therapy myself included...) the therapist said 'thats adult language where have you heard that?' 'mum says it' was the reply.
Could be he has just over heard it and parrots it but it can be really toxic.

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