Developmental question

[WSM123]

DSS 3yr,5mth old. He doesn't speak at an age appropriate level, you can understand occasional words but its mostly babble and everything begins with "d" Dish for fish, etc. He is only partly toilet trained (mostly because his mother didn't bother until recently) he doesn't seem to interact with kids other than his brother (at park just wants to swing, or climb trees rather than play with others), he doesn't know colours and doesn't ask all the "annoying" questions most pre-schoolers do.
His physical development/coordination etc seems fine but to me he seems cognitively delayed. Am I righto be concerned or should I ignore it? I have mentioned the speech and my partner agreed but was convinced by his ex that he was just shy around us so didn't speak, I tried to point out that he doesn't not talk, he just isn't understandable (like hes stuck at two).
Any advise appreciated

[MascaraAndConverse]

Hi WSM. Do you know what the outcome was from his 2 year development check? They should (I would have thought) have highlighted any concerns with his cognitive/speech/language development back then.

I have a 2 and a half year old DS who has a speech and language delay, so although he is just a bit younger than your DSS your post about him does resonate with me and I can understand your concerns. My DS has been referred for speech and language therapy so I hope that helps him.

Maybe you could post in the child development/behaviour section on here to gain some helpful replies from people with a lot more insight and experience on this who could offer some good advice on how to help him?

Good luck!

[WSM123]

I don't know for sure but I believe they mentioned he had some speech delay. The mother is supposed to keep my partner in the loop with such things but only bothers telling him about the fun things they do (I suspect to make herself look good) My step sister lives overseas and is a speech pathologist so she gave me some info but she couldn't tell me much from abroad. Thankyou I will re post in the other section too.

[OllyBJolly]

I think you should stop judging the mother, who is probably worried sick about all the general judginess that goes around achieving developmental milestones.

2 - 3 year olds can often be understood completely by adults who spend a lot of time with them, but be unintelligible to adults who don't. Most will get there; if there are learning difficulties then this is likely to be picked up. Similarly, if he doesn't spend a lot of time with you then he is not going to b asking you the usual questions that toddlers do - these questions will be directed to adults he does spend a lot of time with.

You ask for advice. My advice would be to focus on creating a secure and happy life for your DSS. This will not be achieved by finding fault with his DM.

[WSM123]

Thanks olly, however I am not "finding fault" in the mother she has admitted she hasn't bothered toilet training and someone has anonymously contacted child services about her too (we have no idea who) I am a health professional who sees children regularly so i have an idea of "normal" behaviour from a child that sees you occasionally and I an genuinely concerned

[ReallyTired]

Is the child at nursery yet? If so, what does the nursery say about his development. I don't think that delayed speech and not being potty trained is necessarily the fault of the mother. Children need to be a certain developmental level to successfully toilet train otherwise it's like flogging a dead horse.

[WSM123]

we would train him in two days over the weekend and send him home dry and in undies and she would put him back in nappies, he is capable but she didn't bother continuing it despite us telling her he was able and willing to use the toilet (on a plus she has continued now but still has him in nappies) He doesn't go to nursry/kindy daycare or anything so no external people to voice concern or opinion

[Morganly]

You are finding fault and judging and think yourself the superior parent. Back off. He is young yet. Children develop at different rates. If there is a problem, it will be picked up by professionals. This level of animosity and conflict between you and his mum is much more likely to fuck up his life than slightly delayed development. Sort yourself out.

[WSM123]

Unfortunately you are judging me, im not looking for fault and his dad is also concerned. and if you read through you will see that the plunket nurse has mentioned it (to no avail) someone has called child services because they are concerned too. I have never meet the mother, and only spoken to her when she phoned to abuse me for ruining her family (she isn't coping well with the break up despite then being separated for about 6 months before I came along) Any animosity is definitely NOT from me. I don't think of myself as a parent let alone a superior one, but what I wanted to know and the first response was most helpful with was do I force the issue with getting him assessed by a professional or ignore it hoping something is done or it turns out to be nothing. Most delays are much easier to correct for want of a better term if they are caught early

[DiscoDiva70]

Your posts are obviously judging this little boys mum. You refer to her as the mother (but your partner as 'dad') as if she's some kind of inferior object who doesn't seem to care about her own child like you do.
You say that he only interacts with his brother, climbing trees etc, what's wrong with that?, how can you know how he interacts daily with others if you don't see him every day?
As Morganly says, children develop at different rates, and I agree that any problems (if there are any) will be picked up.
I actually think you seem more concerned with making your dss's mum appear 'unfit', especially to your partner, than you are about his developmental welfare.

[WSM123]

Funny the first person actually answered my question and was helpful the past couple have been no help at all and just tried to make me out to be horrid. Quite frankly you have no idea what I go through so unless you want to answer my question go away.
And FYI yes it HAS been picked up by wellness visit nurses but not dealt with. My question was about weather to chase it up

[3phase]

The speech would concern me. The colours thing, less so. I think gently supporting Mum in seeking help herself (or together with DP if their relationship allows) would be the best outcome here. If she won't cooperate, I think your DP has a responsibility to seek help / assessment for his child alone if he is worried about a developmental delay.

The toilet training - that has to be left to the RP really. I personally haven't left any of ours in nappies at 3yrs 5months but I do know children with perfectly good, responsible parents who have left it that long.

It sounds like the little boy could benefit from nursery / playgroup. Any chance of that happening? How often do you have him?

[DiscoDiva70]

WSM123
Ok, I'll answer your question about whether. you should chase it up.
No, don't interfere, it's none of your business (unless of course you believed this child was in danger, but he's not!)
You have no real idea of what your
partners ex is doing to help her childs speech development, you've even pointed out that she doesn't really discuss anything with your partner but 'fun things they do in order to make herself look good'
For someone whose never met the mum, you seem to know alot about her character, to also point out she's 'not coping well' etc

To me, you sound jealous of this woman and want to show to your partner that she isn't looking out for her son properly, but instead you want to 'help him' etc .Is this to make YOU look good?

You also say someone has reported her to child services, how do you know this?
Was it you?
Besides,, if child services are involved for whatever reason, then surely her child will not need your intervention too?

Just to add, he isn't your dss, he's your partner's son.

[DiscoDiva70]

I forgot to ask, why was she reported to child services?

[LineyReborn]

What happened with children's social services? They presumably did an assessment, involving the little boy, his mum, and his dad?

[EugenesAxe]

I think the OP is being unreasonably attacked. I know children develop at different rates but personally, yes I would be concerned with this kind of speech at three and a half ish years.

I think he could benefit from nursery - all these people saying 'someone will pick it up', well, I don't know who he's exposed to who would be able to.

I think the nappy thing is wrong too. The first years of a life are so critical... If she's can't be bothered to nappy train, is she bothering to speak or read to her DS?

[pinkprimroses]

I'd encourage your DP to see if he can get DSS into some sort of nursary - he should be eligible for 15 hours of free nursary care and he's not getting it (assuming you're in the UK). Nursary would be really good for his developlment, speach and interaction, and it would also mean that someone would hopfully pick up if there is anything more seriously wrong.

It's odd that his DM hasn't got him into nursary already - most 3 year olds are already - and possibly a bit concerning, given the other things you've mentioned. But your DP can get involved in this, hopefully in a way that is helpful to her. He can look up local nursaries (or you can), and find out where spaces are, find out what his ex thinks of them, and whether she'd like to visit them, etc. By far the best if he can do this with her on board. Doing it against her will would be much more difficult, though still possible via court orders.

Your DP can also take DSS to the health visitor himself if he can get access at the right time, or might be able to arrange an individual appointment for a weekend, but this might somewhat antagonise his ex if he feels she's going behind his back. If there's ever any sort of health problem that emerges in an access visit, though you could use the chance to arrange a GP or nurse appointment to get their views on how DSS is overall.

[ReallyTired]

Maybe the OP doesn't like her, but the mother has parental responsiblity and she should really follow HER lead on potty training. Potty training him at the weekend without the consent or cooperation of the boy's mother is creating an emotionally abusive situation. I think the OP forgets that there is a small child who is getting very confused when he is constantly switched from nappies to pants. If the mother does not think that her son is ready for toilet training the the OP and her partner should really respect that.

"
I think the nappy thing is wrong too. The first years of a life are so critical... If she's can't be bothered to nappy train, is she bothering to speak or read to her DS?"

Is it really surprising that a child with delayed speech is not ready for toilet training at three years 5 months. Its not that shockingly late. Its not as if the child is about to start reception. Nurseries legally have to take children in nappies so there isn't that much of a rush.

When a child is ready for toilet training they use the toilet independently without lots of prompting or another person having to "follow it through". Maybe the mother does not want to be asking her son to use the potty every five minutes. Maybe she is waiting for her son to initate toilet training.

[MascaraAndConverse]

Some of the replies on this thread are completely uncalled for. I swear some people just like to have a go at the OP for the sake of having a go!

You're damned if you care about your dsc and want to help them and you're damned if you say not my child not my problem. If you mention the dscs mum with even a hint of negativity then you are berated for it!

Unfortunately op you're powerless to do anything to help him as you're "just" his stepmum. In fact, according to a pp he's not even your DSS- he's your partner's DS. I'll bet that if you referred to the little boy like that you'd be called cold for not acknowledging that you have a relationship with him.

All you can do really is talk to your dp about your concerns and hope he pushes for something to happen. Nursery would be a good start. But as his mum is the RP then she would be the one to sort that and you could be talking to a brick wall if she doesn't agree with you.

[DiscoDiva70]

I'd say if anyone is being 'unreasonably attacked' it's the childs mum, by the Op.

[MascaraAndConverse]

So much projecting going on in this thread.

[DiscoDiva70]

Mascara
Have you not read the Op's posts properly?

She has done nothing but have a pop at 'the mother', she's never even met her!

But because I've voiced my opinion to her, I'm projecting
Whatever you say.

[pinkprimroses]

Do you know the mother well, diva? If she's a good friend of yours prehaps you can share with us how she sees things?

[DiscoDiva70]

Daft comment pink
Of course I don't know her, but the most important thing is neither does the Op and yet she's slated her a few times.
Do you think she's ok to do that though?

[LineyReborn]

I'm not sure the OP is in the UK, so may be in a different time zone, hence not here at the moment, btw.

[MascaraAndConverse]

I'm pretty sure she knows the mother better than you do Disco.

Why is it so difficult to fathom that the mother might not be perfect?