How much contact do you have with your ex?

(44 Posts)
StepCatsmother Tue 29-Sep-15 12:00:25

I know this sounds like a loaded question so I'll say from the outset that I completely appreciate that ex-partners that have children together need to communicate about them, and that the level of communication will vary depending on what is going on.

I'm just curious as to what this involves in an average week for most people, and whether you try to keep contact to a minimum or save most things for handover where possible?

Happy to hear from all perspectives whether you're the mum, the NRP, whatever angle you're coming from really. I guess it's most applicable to people with smaller children/stepchildren (mine StepC are 10 and 6) who need the adults to make the contact arrangements smile

Kim82 Tue 29-Sep-15 12:03:18

I have no contact with him any more as Ds is 14 and makes his own arrangements and 11yo dd doesn't see him any more.

When they were younger I only spoke to him if arrangements were changed. He had them alternate Fridays and Saturdays so if he wanted to swap days or cancel completely as he was "busy" he'd text me. That was pretty much it. The less contact the better for me as he was (and still is) a prick.

heavens2betsy Tue 29-Sep-15 12:06:57

I text him when I need to about the kids, see him on handover. He comes in for a cup of tea if they aren't ready or need help with their homework. Very civilised.
DP and his ex rarely talk. All communication by text or email and he waits in the car outside the house and the kids come out and go in alone. He hasn't actually seen her face to face for over 5 years and he likes it that way!

ScheherazadeNights Tue 29-Sep-15 12:07:40

None at all. My son is 2, and currently doesn't see his dad until we get a Child Arrangements Order in place. When contact resumes, I'll handover with a contact book noting any pertinent information. His number is blocked on my phone, as are his email addresses.
My son may have to continue the relationship, but I'm never speaking to him again.

Jerseyknit Tue 29-Sep-15 12:10:54

None whatsoever. He rarely spends time with his child and I gave up trying years ago.

StepCatsmother Tue 29-Sep-15 12:13:44

I text him when I need to about the kids, see him on handover.

heavens2betsy this is the arrangement my DP and his ex have, so can I ask you when you say you text when you need to, do you find you specifically try to keep it to a minimum or that it's naturally not a huge amount anyway?

spanisharmada Tue 29-Sep-15 12:17:33

Too much! He see's the DC at mine, often I go out but not always and often not for the whole day at the weekend.
He'll be moving soon though so not sure how it'll work then, but I imagine we'll have a lot less to do with each other which will probably be a good thing.
We're on fairly good terms and will message about DC during the week if anything comes up.

StanSmithsChin Tue 29-Sep-15 12:39:27

Pretty regular. We have 50-50 and 4 DC so there is always something going on. We get on well though so the communication is easy and not intrusive. We try to be mindful when the other is having child free time but if we have to text we will.

Crosbybeach Tue 29-Sep-15 13:20:25

My DH and his ex text about the kids whenever needed, talk on the phone, she pops round, she'll send him little updates if they've done something and he might not get to know otherwise.

They've always talked loads about the kids right from when they split and he'll sometimes go round for tea to catch up or vice versa. As soon as the kids had mobiles they communicated too and now most texting is probably about non kid stuff as the kids are now growing up and manage their own time or are away.

DontMindTheStep Tue 29-Sep-15 14:04:12

Text exchange about once a week on average. Usually only about dates/contact/ kids sport. A polite hello if we see each other on drop off or pick up and once in a while a conversation about things which affect the kids, ie job change/parent travel/health issues.

Yellowpansies Tue 29-Sep-15 19:01:14

We mostly text or email to confirm practicalities - don't imagine this gets any easier with teens, their lives very more complicated and the need to parents who communicate gets greater not less in my opinion.

Occasionally I'll text my ex just to tell him some bit of news about the DCs just because I want to share it with him, but not very often. They do text themselves these days (DC are 12&15). We also meet up once every few months for a couple of hours to sort out diaries out as to who has the DC when, and chat about their latest school report, GCSE options, etc. We do exchange the odd bit of wider family news at these times too. I had this system in place before I moved in with DH, but he's been fine about my ex coming round for these diary checks and catch ups. He tends to make himself scarce and leaves us to it, but appreciates that it's useful.

DH has - in my view - a less effective relationship with his ex. He exchanges a few words at handover, and his ex sends him cross emails whenever there's a problem with any of the DSC telling DH that he needs to sort it out..... They never really talk in a relaxed fashion about the DSC. I wouldn't have a problem if they did, it would help them parent more effectively.

riverboat1 Tue 29-Sep-15 19:54:58

I don't know exactly how much contact with DP has with his ex in terms of phone calls / text messages, but I am pretty sure it depends on what is going on at any one time. If they need to make decisions about summer holidays / school issues / extracuricular stuff or if DSS is going through anything in particular, they might speak a few times a week. Other times probably not at all in a week.

But generally we are all on good terms, and me/DP, and ex/her DH see each other for dinner or something every couple of months or so, with all the children.

I am very happy with the way things are! I think I am very lucky to have a DP who is on such good terms with his ex, and very lucky that the ex herself is so lovely. I don't have a bad word to say about her, only good ones.

SurlyCue Tue 29-Sep-15 20:01:55

I am resident parent of two. I only have text contact with EXp if he decides to let me know he will be late (he doesnt always let me know) or that he isnt coming. Or if i need to let him know DC have something planned during his contact or if i need to remind him that children need fed more than once a day hmm other than that we dont speak.

simplydivine05 Tue 29-Sep-15 21:31:19

Only when absolutely necessary and he doesn't communicate with me at all and does it all via ds (who's 7). He has a tendency to flip out over the smallest thing so I fear upsetting him. He's even flipped out over all the parties ds goes to on his weekends (all three parties in five years, only one of which he agreed to take him to and the others he refused). He can't be anywhere near his ex wife so I suppose I got off lightly as we at least see each other at hand over.

simplydivine05 Tue 29-Sep-15 21:34:12

Actually, he does communicate with me. When he's going to be late he texts while he is driving confused which is most weekends.

Happydappy99 Tue 29-Sep-15 21:40:48

We mostly keep to texts about day to day stuff (new stuff that they've done / things we think each other should know), if we need to switch days or change any dates we talk on the phone and discuss it.

We get on quite well now so ex will sometimes pop round for tea and a catch-up and we both go to school things.

Maybe83 Tue 29-Sep-15 21:55:15

Dd is 13 and spends alot of time with ex and his family. Depending on what's going on could be every day or might be once a week. We both go to school sports events with new partners. My dh very rarely he hadn't spoken to her for 4 yes prior to starting our relationship all contact was done through his mam as SS mam couldn't stand his previous partner with good reason in my opinion but SS is 18 now so all contact is directly with him

Wdigin2this Wed 30-Sep-15 02:39:44

Whenever I bump in to him and his OH! Our joint DC are grown with DC of their own, so it's usually at family occasions, or in a family business premises. No probs, no pressure, perfectly pleasant...but neither of us have the desire to go off for a drink/meal/coffee/chat together, too much water under the bridge! When we split up, it was the 'past' now we live differently in the 'present', we are different people...and life's too short to be bitter!

MarkRuffaloCrumble Thu 01-Oct-15 17:08:02

I speak to my ex about the children at handover, he texts the day before to confirm times and if there's anything specific (e.g. one of them has a school thing or birthday etc) there might be another text or two in between contact.

We go out with the DCs and family as a group for birthdays and attend school events together, although not usually sharing lifts, we make our own way there.

DP and his ex also spend birthdays/Xmas together with the DCs, they live near to each other so she pops into his after work on his days with the DCs apparently, she calls and texts (or has done until recently) at least once a day, with kisses and 'babe's and all sorts. Really pisses me off and he has had a word with her about her over-familiarity causing problems. It's just not necessary and most of what she phones up about could easily wait until handover, but instead I have to sit there listening to her (really loudly!) calling him darling and chatting shit.

But I should add I have phone phobia, I hate calling and receiving calls and would only call if it were really important and texting or emailing were not an option, even with DP. I don't call him and although I don't mind facetime for some reason, I still don't like to be the one who instigates it.

I feel uncomfortable invading someone's personal space (which is how I feel about phone calls) whereas I know to them both it is the easiest quickest way to communicate and there's no 'special' treatment involved in phoning each other except when she phoned him at midnight on NYE to wish him happy NY and didn't even ask to speak to the DCs who were in bed anyway, so it wasn't about them!

Rebecca2014 Thu 01-Oct-15 17:14:01

We text maybe once or twice a week about contact etc. That's itsmile

comfortseeker Thu 01-Oct-15 22:23:40

Sunday lunch time plus a couple of hours afterwards.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Thu 01-Oct-15 23:36:25

Me and Ex contact only every month by text. DP has daily contact with his Ex, by text/phone and picks up kids from her house to take them to school. I find it a bit annoying actually!

lilybetsy Fri 02-Oct-15 15:26:48

not much. Are civil by text and emai but very rarely see one another. Kids are oledr now, youngest i 11 so thay make arrangements themselves. Its better this way

heavens2betsy Tue 06-Oct-15 11:27:58

StepCatsMother - sorry for not replying sooner. I only manage to get on here when I am on my laptop!
The texts are mostly basic, not chatty - eg what time are you picking them up, parents evening dates, things they need for school etc etc
Occasionally I forget myself and accidentally put a 'X' at the end then have to send a quick one to say 'ignore the x' because I don't want him to think I'm still after him or anything!!!

TheFormidableMrsC Fri 23-Oct-15 12:09:06

I have been "no contact" with my ex-h for nearly six months. Long back story. It's the only way. I hate it, frankly. It doesn't really work, we can't co-parent and this whole situation has been engineered by an insecure and jealous OW. My ex is too weak to do anything about it and therefore is unable to parent our DS effectively. I spend my life in "damage limitation" mode. My DS has ASD. We should and indeed need to be able to communicate. However, as my ex and the OW run to the police every time I so much as glance in their direction, I have given up.

It's terrible.

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