Overreacting or should I be worried?

[sootyx]

Hello all,

I'm new to this site and I'm kinda new to being a step-mum. I've been with my DP since November last year and things moved a little bit quick with us, I've known him for 4 years and I had met his Daughter [name removed] a few times in them years.
When we got together DSD loved it, she loves me and I love her, she's a brilliant beautiful child and I feel blessed to have her about, I don't have children of my own so I'm still learning but enjoying every second (apart from little misbehavior but what 6yo is perfect?).
The reason for this thread is, my DP's ex.
When me and him had gotten together she was working away, she became a every other weekend mum to her daughter and barely spoke to her over the phone. This lasted for 4 months and she didn't like me, I don't know if its because I got with her ex so soon after they split up or if she was scared of losing her daughter to me (that would never happen). Anyway, my DP and DSD's Mum started arguing A LOT, and in the end I told him to give her the benefit of the doubt because in her eyes she was working this much to give her daughter a better future. The arguments died down, and we all worked civilly for the sake of DSD, in late May/early June [name removed] lost her job and came home to look after DSD properly, things were okay but I feel like there's still something there for each other. DP has assured me that I have nothing to worry about and I believe him, but they sit together and talk about relationships and whatnot when I'm not there, but when I am there they literally don't speak. Anyway, DSD's Mum is throwing her a surprise party for her 7th birthday, she's invited DP's family and him. He's told me he's going to bring me along but should I go? Won't I feel like the odd one out? His family there and hers and them being pretty much a family for DSD, typing this out now I think it's just the green eyed monster coming out but I can't shake this off, I come from a broken home and I'd of loved nothing more than both parents at my parties but my Mum always explained to me that they had both moved on and they don't really want to be around each other anymore, so in a way I'm all for it so that she doesn't feel sad like I used to but at the same time I'm thinking that we don't spend Christmas with DSD's Mum but we'll spend birthdays with her? If I'm being pathetic please just tell me to man up and shut up, I'm just very insecure and pretty scared of losing my new family.

[Matilda2013]

I'd say go. I went to dsds birthday last year and it was fine (for me at least dp and his ex hadn't planned who was having her that night as they are the least organised people ever so they had a little bit of an argument) but dsd wanted me there as I'm part of her family to her so what she wants goes and it works out fine

[sootyx]

I think the main thing I'm worried about is that I haven't met DSD's Mum properly we got pushed together at DSD's parents evening a few weeks ago and it was super awkward, so I'm pretty worried that I'll make things uncomfortable. DSD has given me strict orders that I have to attend so it looks like I won't be getting out of it but this being my first relationship with a step child its quite daunting!

[SkyWasMadeOfAmethyst]

OP you shouldn't use real names on here. If I were you I'dd request to MNHQ to have your post edited to protect your privacy and thiers

[wheresthelight]

Firstly report the post to mnhq to get the names removed!

Secondly, if she hasn't specifically invited you then I would make sure dp checks before taking you. The party is for your dsd and an atmosphere between you and her mum will make it uncomfortable and risks spoiling her day.

As for the residual feelings, I had have this worry several years and our own dd down the line. I don't think it ever goes as the bond after having a child together is a very strong one imo. You need to accept that there will always be a part of him that loves her, she gave him the dd he loves so much. However, there is a big difference between loving her and being IN love with her. You say you got together fairly soon after their break up - how soon are we talking?

[sootyx]

I thought I proof read and removed names, I've reported it now. Thanks!

DP said that she has invited us both, I'm just worried about how things will go. The last thing I want is DSD's party ruined.

I get that there will always be feelings there, I've mentioned to him that I understand that I just don't want him to get 2 years down the line with me and think "oh, I still love my ex. Cya" kind of thing, he's said to me that he has no feelings towards her whatsoever, but I'm not convinced. My dad cried the day my Mum died and this was after 12 years of having no physical contact and wishing each other dead.

DP & ex split up in August last year, we got together in November. They were together for 6 years so it was fairly quick, and I'm pretty sure she only split up with him to scare him as they used to split up for months at a time in the past.

[Matilda2013]

Oh i thought you'd met dsd mum previously. Can always get dp to check she is okay with it but if you're going to be involved for the long term I don't see why not as these things will happen and dsd will want you there too.

Only thing I haven't done so far with dsd that she has asked me to was her first day of school as I felt I would be best leaving that to mum and dad with grandparents as you don't want too many people at the school! But both parents would have been fine if I had decided to go.

Could always just hang about with your dps family? Or if he has any friends with kids going that you know sit with them? Then you are not front and centre but you still went?

With regards on feelings I guess you just have to trust him. I think I've mastered this for now but only as I can see (even if that do normally get along for the sake of dsd) the things that really irritated dp and caused them to argue and to split up and she still does now

[wheresthelight]

In that case if he says you are invited and dsd wants you there then go. She might be trying to make an effort to build bridges?

[yellowdaisies]

I would go. You'll feel worse if he goes without you. Tell your DP you're a little nervous and stick close to him if you need to.

[sootyx]

I have made him aware of my worries and he's assured me that he'll be by my side all day, apart from when he's tending to dsd of course. It's just as nerve-wracking for him as it is me, I'm just thankful there's step-mum forums to turn to as I do have any friends who are in this situation!

Thanks for the comments!

[sootyx]

Don't**

[Matilda2013]

This was my problem too. I've known men who are with women with children but have no step mums that I know of to ask! It's hard to know what to do and where the boundaries are.. And to have a moan if you're fed up as no one quite understands

[K888]

Definately go. Your DP sounds very understanding and will not leave you out in the cold. Of course there will be moments that are awkward for you. But act polite and pleasant - smile and introduce yourself to a few key family members on both sides - and muck in with the kids/help out to keep you busy.

I've gone to DSDs birthday with 20 members of antagonistic Ex (none of OHs) staring at me like I was awful - and just smiled and talked with all of them until they were forced to be nice back!

[NZmonkey]

I agree with those above you should definitely go. I went to DSDs last two bday parties organised by her mum. Had all the same reservations about it you do but it was fine and I'm so glad I went.

[startagainonmonday]

I thinks it's promising that DP wants to take you, after all this would be the perfect family occasion with great reason to exclude you if he felt at all inclined to rekindle "happy" family memories with his ex.

I think you should go, not least for your DSD.

[MeridianB]

Hi Sooty

If your DP is sure you were invited then I would go along to the party.

The first time I did this (and every time since, come to think of it), I made sure I got stuck in on the grubby jobs/clean up and helped out where needed but stayed out of the way for the big cake moment and the photos.

You mentioned that you attended parents' evening at her school. This is something I have always avoided as I feel it's just for mum and dad. I think DSD's mum would be seriously unimpressed if I turned up, too. So that may be why it was awkward?

[hoobygalooby]

My mum was very upset when my dad does and they'd been divorced for 25 years and both remarried. Don't feel jealous- if he wanted to be with her he would be but they will always have a bond which is their DD.
Go to the party be nice to the ex and the family and you may find you actually enjoy it. After all it is the first of many such occasions and DSD will benefit from everyone getting on.