Do things ever change with a step child

[mercedesbenz1979]

I have a SD (10yrs old) and my OD (6 yrs old) been with my H for 7 years married for 2. It has been a long agonising road with my SD to the point that we have not seen her since January and now she is about to appear for a week. It was her own choice she apparently hates me because in her words I am always on her case. She lives with two women full time obviously one is her mum. They do not discipline her at all and never have. She likes to come to our house cause riots then leave particularly terrorising my OD because she is jealous of her. I have done the nice person thing been walked over by her and her Dad and now he has eventually seen her for what she is. I am not looking forward to a week with her and my Husband cannot accept this which I can kind of understand as it is his first child but she doesnt generally give a toss about any of us most of the time does not phone my H or her sister hardly facetimes. She is one of the most manipulative children I have come across in my life and everyone on my end of family and friends have all experienced her but yet my H just gets over it and moves on. How do you deal with a badly behaved 10 yr old who is so disrespectful which I am now over feeling sorry for her due to coming from a split home because she knows exactly what she is doing. Two psychologists have even said the same thing she knows what she is doing but its acceptable because she comes from a split home. My OD and I have always suffered in different ways over the years and we actually we starting to get a bit of piece and normality in our lives becoming a strong unit as you might say. It is all about to be ruined though and I know it. Has anyone got a story where they now get on with the female step child after having a horrendous time. I reckon it will not be until she is in her twenties and realises what a horrible person she was.

[StanSmithsChin]

Wow you can seriously say all this about a 10 yo

Firstly at 10 I don't think it is her responsibility to ring her father or face time her sister.
Whether she is parented or not at home your DH is responsible for parenting her when she is with him. You met this child when she was a toddler are you saying she was manipulative even then?

TBH you don't like this child at all and want her gone from your perfect unit of 3 so I doubt you will listen to any advice at all.
She needs boundaries in your home and that has to come from her father and be supported by you. Yes she has come from a split home which causes problems for some children but it does not mean they shouldn't be parented.

Your DH and her mother are the ones you should be angry at and stop directing it at a child FFS. If he won't change how he parents then she won't change her behaviour.

[Coffeemarkone]

Maybe you are right, she is just a horrible horrible person.

I think the best thing you could do in this case is ban her permanently from your home, and tell your own dd that she is an only child.

There that was you wanted to hear wasn't it? do you feel better now?

[FortyCoats]

You come across like something straight out of The Brothers Grimm!

She's just a kid ffs. Make an effort and stop pre empting a disaster.
Will you be working for the week or will you have time to plan some fun activities?

[mercedesbenz1979]

FYI Stan Smith yes she is responsible if she refuses to talk to her Dad when he phones and this has gone on for years now so he has left it to her to contact him is she feels like it and she would have zero discipline if I left it to my husband as half time he was not there nowadays he is and he saw her for what she was at New year and was disgusted by her behaviour. If you are a step parent not a parent then you will know there are huge differences in the two relationships and anyone who says other then their head is in clouds

[mercedesbenz1979]

He has arranged for her to be looked after by his mother and brother half week and then he has taken time off work as I cannot due to working for family. So he has arranged to do things with her as he is feeling guilty for not seeing her which I emphasise again was due to her choice not his

[mercedesbenz1979]

Coffemarkone your sarcasm is fine but your comments all in are the least bit helpful

[Coffeemarkone]

" he is feeling guilty for not seeing her which I emphasise again was due to her choice not his "

she is a ten year old girl ffs - maybe he should have put his foot down?

[StanSmithsChin]

FYI OP I have been a SP for 14 years OP as well as a parent of 4. My EXDH parented his children and I as a SM never blamed the SDC for what was clearly their parents bad parenting.

She is 10 yo FFS he is the one that needs to maintain contact NOT HER. My DC drive me to the edge some days but because I am their mother I parent them not cut all contact ya know cos that's what parents of young children do

To be brutally honest she sounds like she would be better off without both of you in her life!

[Coffeemarkone]

well what do you want people to say exactly Mercedes?
"oh yes poor you, ban her from your home?" - that is how it sounds to me.

[FortyCoats]

My DH is stepdad to dd. He parents her the same as I do. It's not the child's fault the adults in her life can't be adult and work together.

I feel quite sorry for this little girl

[Coffeemarkone]

" I reckon it will not be until she is in her twenties and realises what a horrible person she was. "

So how old are you now? Have you had any realisations yet?

[StanSmithsChin]

@ coffee

[NickiFury]

Oh these pesky step children, if only they'd just realise that their time is over, stay away and stop interfering with our new perfect lives and families. Who wants that boring old baggage?

Her Dad just moves on when she's been difficult does he? Good for him, he's her Dad, he's supposed to, that's what parents of young children are supposed to do.

[StanSmithsChin]

Ahhhh crap that's clearly where I have been going wrong Nicki . All these years of accepting and loving all 6 children, parenting them through toddler tantrums and teenage angst and what I should have done is blame them, call them names and abandoned them.

[NickiFury]

Oh and my 9 year old dd never asks to speak to her Dad or other family members even though she loves them to bits, because, you know, she's a CHILD and the onus is on ADULTS to maintain the relationship. Do YOU ever FaceTime HER?

[NickiFury]

Indeed Stan, their time was UP! Shape up and ship out kids, stop that whining and anxiety induced problematic behaviour because your parents split and your whole life tuned upside down this minute! There's a new sheriff in town and we are creating a NEW family. You can come once a week, sit on the sofa being good so your Dad can look at you and then off you go and think yourself luckily I am allowing that!

[StanSmithsChin]

I wonder how some of these stepmothers ( not sure some deserve the mother bit) would feel if their perfect relationship ended and their own DC were shipped off once a week to spend time with a women who detests their existence and a father who's parenting skills couldn't rival a baboons.

[Coffeemarkone]

" You can come once a week, sit on the sofa being good so your Dad can look at you and then off you go and think yourself luckily I am allowing that! "

that is actually sadly, about the truest thing I ever read about stepfamilies.
YOu know what OP, what did you think would happen when you got with the dad of a toddler? that she would toddle off into the sunset?

[NickiFury]

Well it won't happen to them Stan, because theirs is the REAL relationship, the REAL family, the REAL children. Their DP/DW/DP had been ensnared by some sly, mad, evil, abusive other.

[Fairenuff]

She lives with two women full time obviously one is her mum. They do not discipline her at all and never have.

If this is true, her full time carers are letting her down.

she would have zero discipline if I left it to my husband

If this is true, your husband is letting her down.

The adults need to help this little girl now. Starting with your dh. He is the one that you have a problem with, not her. She is a child and knows nothing other than that which her circumstances have taught.

Btw of course she is manipulative. All children are. It's how they get their needs met. It starts with a baby crying when it's hungry or scared. You need to start meeting her needs if you want to stop manipulative behaviour and as she matures she will start to learn more appropriate ways to express her needs.

Not all adults learn this, not all can do it so you are expecting too much from a 10 year old who has been through a traumatic experience and is still living in difficult circumstances.

[UnsolvedMystery]

she knows exactly what she is doing. Two psychologists have even said the same thing she knows what she is doing but its acceptable because she comes from a split home
That's what the psychologists actually said was it?
Why was she seeing psychologists in the first place? Was she struggling with various aspects of her life?
When children behave in challenging ways - it's for a reason. Unless you address that reason (not the behaviour), the behaviour will continue. She behaves the way she does because of how she feels. She can't just get over that. She's a CHILD - try to consider what she has been through and why she might be behaving the way she is.
She probably doesn't call her dad because she wants to know that her dad loves her enough to come after her and she can test that love by rejecting his calls - how long before he gets bored of her? It's the behaviour of an insecure child.

[wannaBe]

wtf is it with all these posts of late from women proclaiming how unpleasant their dp's children are, and how they, as 6/10/ are responsible for all the wrongs in their relationships/families? There are of course a lot of decent stepparents on this boards and out there in the ahem real world, but seriously, while these women (and yes unfortunately they are predominantly women) continue to adopt these frankly hideous attitudes to the innocent children who had no choice about them being a part of their lives the idea of evil stepmother will persist.

It's little wonder that so many women have reservations about handing over their children when women like the op exist and spout their vitriolic bile all over the internet and most likely out there in rl.

Anyone who thinks that a child under ten (you say she's been making these choices for years?) is responsible for the choices she has made is incredibly a bit thick and probably isn't fit to look after a pot plant let alone a child.

[NickiFury]

Unfortunately it's not even a recent thing, it's been going on for ages. I've been reading posts like this for a year or two now. It's not every thread though, loads of decent step parents on here who are actually really struggling to create decent relationships with their step children.

Trouble is when you get a certain kind of shallow selfish person who just wants the ex and step kids to disappear so they can enjoy their lovely relationship and family without hassle. They're usually quite stupid those kinds of people, and yes I agree it's mainly women, because they honestly believe that small children have massive powers to get in the way of adult relationships purposefully and manipulatively. They're too stupid to see that can only happen when there are problems in the adult relationships ( including the exes) and/or the child is being parented ineffectually. For them seeing their DH/DP as he truly is and tackling it is less preferable to vilifying and hating small children. And then when you call them on it the bleat and moan that you're a big old meanie and use the catch all "I'm only having a rant!"