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sd gave me an ultimatum

(15 Posts)
jbegood Mon 10-Aug-15 19:55:54

SD is 21 yo and wanted us to give her $1000.00. When I said no, she said that if I don't stop questioning and saying "no" to what she wants, she is not going to involve herself in family activities. SD says it hurts her too much when I put limits on her. She got very upset and started screaming at her dad saying that I do not have a right to control the finances. Sd believes that she should get what she wants, especially if we come back from an outing without her. We pay for her college, car insurance & gas, rent & groceries. She doesn't want to work. Dad pays for everything for her, he never says no. Should I stop trying to place boundaries and apologize to her. She doesn't want to come to the house to see her 11 year old half brother if I am home, until I stop imposing boundaries. My dh agrees with me and now she won't speak to him either.

riverboat1 Mon 10-Aug-15 20:10:24

I think she sounds very lucky to already be getting what she's getting, and comes across as very spoiled and ungrateful.

Assuming you and DH have joint finances, and you have been her stepmum for an established amount of time, you are of course within your rights to put your foot down at her. But all the same, I would want it to be my DH, not myself, doing the foot-putting-down, and being the one giving the no. It sounds like your DH would actually just give her the money if you weren't around to protest it? Which puts you in a very difficult position...

hesterton Mon 10-Aug-15 20:12:08

He needs to say no. Sounds like you're being forced to be bad cop.

TRexingInAsda Mon 10-Aug-15 20:15:04

He needs to say no. If he gives her random 'gifts' of 1000 pounds on top of all of that, then you'll be the one removing yourself from family activities - if you could even afford to have any.

gamerchick Mon 10-Aug-15 20:18:55

It's time for her dad to be a dad and not a daddy pays for everything. Until he straps a pair on this shit will continue.

Personally I would be giving her notice of her car and fuel and if she
Continues the rent and food. its time to fix a mistake.

Goldmandra Mon 10-Aug-15 20:19:24

Suggest to your DH that, every time you give her gift of money, you put exactly the same amount into a savings account for her half brother.

Obviously this won't be for him to use for car insurance, etc in the future because you'll be paying for all that for him anyway, as you are her.

mineofuselessinformation Mon 10-Aug-15 20:19:37

She's an adult, albeit a young one.
Let her get on with it.

jbegood Mon 10-Aug-15 20:32:30

I am sure that if I wasn't around she surely would have gotten the $1000.00. He has a hard time setting boundaries and we have huge fights over her behavior, but he always sees it her way. I am struggling because I want to disengage. I have worn my self thin walking on egg shells whenever she is around. But, I feel like such a bad person if we never can be in the same room together again.

nooka Mon 10-Aug-15 20:57:26

I think that you and your dh should sit down together and figure out how to help your step daughter to grow up and become independent. How things are right now may be painful for you and upsetting for your dh but they are likely to be damaging his daughter. Learning to be financially self sufficient is a really important part of growing up and she just isn't learning at all. Bullying and blackmailing her father just isn't on and she is likely to get herself into serious trouble with debt if she doesn't learn to manage money herself.

If you don't want her to work while she is at college then I'd move her on to an allowance. Her dad needs to sit her down with the financial facts and figures, let her know why he is giving her however much money he wants to give her (ie a reasonable amount for her needs) and that he will be there to give her any help she needs, but that there will not be any more money and if she wants more she will have to earn it.

At 21 of course you will go and do things without her! She is an adult living her own life, or should be by now. Plus not working is very foolish - how is she going to get a job when she graduates? This is stuff I'm teaching my 16 year old right now, it's much better to put the work in to get a job when you are competing with other kids with no experience than to wait until you really really need a job but have no experience or references.

I'm sure that your dh loves his dd very much, but he's not done her any favours. Time for a bit of tough love.

CocaKoala Mon 10-Aug-15 22:10:50

She is spoilt, ungrateful and is clearly taking advantage of you both. At 21 she should be standing on her own two feet now. How is she going to manage in the future when dad isn't there for her to fall back on?

Do not apologize - it is she who should be apologising for speaking to you the way she has. If she's refusing to come and see you if she doesn't get her own way it clearly shows where she values your relationship. I'd be inclined to say that unless she apologises for her disgusting behaviour and starts acting her age and treating you all with respect then she won't be welcome.

She may be DP's child but she is no longer a child - she is classed as an adult. It's about time she started acting like one and took on responsibility for herself and learned some manners.

riverboat1 Mon 10-Aug-15 23:02:43

OP, is it actually an option to disengage, or would that $1000 (and the inevitable continuation of similar handouts) noticeably impact and affect your lifestyle and security as a household, and particularly that of your son?

I guess I think it seems like a losing battle if she's 21 and so spoiled and demanding, and her dad has no real desire to stop giving her handouts. You are very unlikely to turn around her bad habits and change her character. You might do more for your peace of mind and sanity if you disengage and let your DH do as he wants. But is it an option? That's an awful lot of money to be handing out.

Neverenuff Tue 11-Aug-15 12:40:05

If dp want a to give her the money let him. But from his own stash of cash if he has one and also he should equal that for his other child. It should not be coming from any joint funds. Not with her attitude.

My dp is under no illusion that if he wants to get his kids cars when they pass their tests then he has to fund it. I won't be contributing. I don't agree with getting kids cars etc if they want a car they save and fund it themselves. It's not the same thing but its kinda along those lines. If we as a couple can't agree on something for his kids then he does what he wants with his own cash. That simple. I have mentioned that should we have a child the same rules will apply.For us both. Xx

K888 Tue 11-Aug-15 17:30:23

OP - the first thing is I am in a very similar situation, and that if your OH is standing by you then that is VERY good - he could easily have swayed and not only would you have an antagonistic DSD but a partnership on the rocks too.

Of course you are going to be involved with setting limits - that is the crux of it - and I understand that it is tough for her if she had Dad do everything before - but she has to be supportive/cooperate for her Dads happiness and overall family fairness. She is old enough now to accept that there ARE limits in life - her mum and dad are not never ending supplies of what she needs.

In my situation my OH sided with his DSD and I am now in the position of facing leaving my partner - as I cannot live with a DSD full-time without at least setting some (not all) limits - something made impossible by my OH not backing me up.

I know we need to disengage from as much as possible, but family finances, rudness in the home, certain basics ARE both you and your partners decisions and not solely for her to drive a wedge between you by putting pressure on her Dad without realising that you are all a unit.

HormonalHeap Thu 13-Aug-15 20:20:16

Op I understand totally your frustration. When your dsd says you don't have the right to control finances, she obviously thinks her dad's finances are HER finances, despite the fact she's now an adult! No wonder she's got the hump with you, interfering and spoiling things!

Similar situation here, dss 21 has now 'requested' that dh pays some of his girlfriend's expenses. I only found out by accident, dh had 'forgotten' to tell me. I don't feel I have as much justification as you though, as dh is the one earning money and funding everything, not me. But on the other hand I am his wife; surely in a normal marriage decisions are made together?

Kkaty Thu 13-Aug-15 20:23:47

I know that some couples have separate pots of money for different things. My mum and step dad have a 'household pot' which holds the majority of the money - it is for them both to decide - contingency money - bill etc money - savings. Then each of them have a small 'personal' pot of money - which they can lavish on their children if they like - seems to save stress!

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