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His kid & my kids

(51 Posts)
Aza09 Fri 07-Aug-15 12:25:12

Hi. I have not done this before. Where to start. Ok, I have 3 children eldest lives with his dad. my husband has one daughter who comes to us every week. and he sees another time. My kids have not had a holiday/break for 2 years, not with me because i can't afford not with their dad because despite him having them regular he doesn't do much with them. I have always stressed the importance which i feel about us being a family, (Me, husband & our kids) i think doing things together is important.
My husband not often but occasionally goes out just him and D. That is lovely, important & fully supported by me. Although i have moaned a couple of times purley because my kids again get to do nothing.. His D goes on regular holidays with her family (mum, step dad and half brother) as well as enjoying other lovely days out etc. She obviously has her own bedroom at her house etc. While my D has to share her bedroom, it can never be hers only because we have to accomodate. It is not a problem for me or my kids. What I am finding difficult is the fact my Husband wants to take D away for the weekend. not an expensive trip. and the weekend trip is fine but again, my kids get nothing, have had no holiday and it doesn't look likely they will. His D comes back form one holiday to go away again. I feel for my kids.. It has nothing to do with wanting to stop dad & D spending time together its about me and my kids being a part of things especially when we don't get a trip away. I will look look into taking my kids away but I feel holidays are meant for familys.. I am looking to book holiday next year, my kids have never been abroad, I am starting to feel resentful, why should my kids share their holiday (A first with me) with His D when they are not included in his their plans. My H has accused me of being selfish and jealous. said my kids want want all the time where as his doesn't, i feel maybe its because she just gets gets anyway & my kids never do. she is a good girl and we get on great, however she is also very spoilt by all around her.. I just need to let of some steem as my husband will not see from my point of view, can anyone else??

JeSuisMoi Fri 07-Aug-15 12:33:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maybe83 Fri 07-Aug-15 12:41:25

So your unhappy about the inequality of how the children with in your relationship are treated? Ie his dd getting holidays both with mam and with your dh.

Do you want to take your children away and for him to come and leave your sd at home?

Or you want to go on holiday just your children and without your dh and sd? Sorry it's just not very clear.

lunar1 Fri 07-Aug-15 12:54:43

I'd just book something for you and your children.

Aza09 Fri 07-Aug-15 14:03:46

I always include his daughter, it is my husband which is causing the divide, I will take my kids somewhere purely because what's good for him is good for me, its just upsetting that my kids haven't had a holiday/ break but as far as he's concerned that's not his problem!, I am expected to not leave his daughter out but my kids are being left out! & actually so am I! Would never come between them & stop their time but we haven't had a holiday/break so would have been nice to be included in plans!,

Aza09 Fri 07-Aug-15 14:06:08

I would have liked us all to go away, but if my kids get left out then I wonder why his daughter should come if we go away, yes maybe his daughter should be left behind, not what I want but me & mine are getting left behind!,

FunkyPeacock Fri 07-Aug-15 14:16:46

Your message reads a bit like you are playing the helpless victim in all this - 'me & my DC don't get a holiday'

You are not a child you are a parent

If your DC have never had a holiday then that is a shame but you perhaps need to be more proactive in arranging & paying for something yourself

Reginafalangie Fri 07-Aug-15 14:26:22

I don't understand why you don't take your kids away for a weekend and have some quality time with them?

I know a holiday for all of you could be too expensive but nothing is stopping you doing what your DH has done.

Why don't you look in to how much a family holiday will cost next year and both of you start saving?

It isn't fair that you are judging his DD because she goes on holiday with her mum, it isn't her fault your ex is shit and doesn't take his children away. If he did would that feel more like justice?

hoobygalooby Fri 07-Aug-15 14:35:25

Take your kids on your own.
Everyone is entitled to time with just their own kids - it's not just a dad's prerogative to have one to one time!!!

bestguess23 Fri 07-Aug-15 14:44:22

What is stopping you booking a holiday for just you and your dcs? I'd it finances/that you don't feel comfortable taking them in their own or something else?

MangoBiscuit Fri 07-Aug-15 15:04:46

The fact that your SD gets to go on holiday with her mum is irrelevant. The fact that your DH wants to go on a holiday and exclude you and your DCs, I think is very unfair. As others have said, I would book a weekend away with just your DCs.

hampsterdam Fri 07-Aug-15 15:26:57

How do you share finances? Can you save and take your dcs somewhere next year?
I take my ds away on holiday without my dh and his ds not because I don't see us as a family but because it's something we have always done and I love that bonding time with ds. My ds has also had a holiday with his dad and a holiday with us as a family (me dh ds and dss).
Dss has only had the holiday with us. It's not my business or my fault his mum is going on holiday without him and I wouldn't take away from my ds to try and even things out.

WickedWax Fri 07-Aug-15 15:34:51

Are there any joint children, or are they all his or yours?

If you and your ex can't afford to take your children on holiday then I'm not sure it's your DH's responsibility to ensure your kids get a holiday, and for you to expect his daughter to miss out, to accommodate that.

Aza09 Fri 07-Aug-15 16:37:14

I don't expect his d to miss out, but my finances on my own are not enough for me & my kids to go away alone. Up until a few months ago I paid all bills etc food & otherwise. Now he has a decent job he gets to do all the things he likes with his d & my kids don't. Now we pay for half of everything which is fair but he earns alot more than I. Maybe he is right, maybe I am being selfish but when me & my kids put ourselves out to accommodate & include it would be nice if the same was returned. Helpless victim? If my h couldn't afford to go away on holiday with or without kids I am not the sort of person to go away with or without my kids without him, I think its mean, not only that husband & wife are supposed to be a team!,

Reginafalangie Fri 07-Aug-15 16:49:56

If he earns more than you and you are supposed to be a team why not put all the spare money you both have in the pot and split it down the middle?

That way all the bills are paid and you both have the same amount to spend. That's what my ExDH and I did and seems a lot fairer than you having less.
Being a partnership isn't just about going on holiday together or including each other in plans it is about being fair all the way.

I think the big issue here is the division of financies tbh.

lunar1 Fri 07-Aug-15 16:55:26

I think you need to sort your finances out so you pay a fair percentage and both have money leftover.

Even if you do this though your attitude may mean that your children still won't get a holiday. If you won't take them without him and he won't go without his dd then your stubbornness will mean yours lose out.

Aza09 Fri 07-Aug-15 16:57:46

Yes maybe your right. I just think unfair he gets to do when he knows his wife isn't in a position too! Like I said in the beginning, I've not a problem with him doing but being left out is unfair when he knows the situation. I have & do so much for him & his d . I like too, I just feel a bit resentful when it's not returned! It wouldn't be so bad if we we're both getting to do lovely things. See it from my kids point of view, they don't understand the logistics of it all.

Aza09 Fri 07-Aug-15 17:03:23

I wouldn't leave his d out, that's what hurts! It was just a "how would he feel if I did!"
His attitude is what makes me feel the way I do. I have never had the opinion she's not mine so not my problem but unfortunately that seems to be his views about my kids. He moved in with me & us not the other way around, he chose to be a step dad & sometimes I feel he doesn't deserve the love of my kid's. A lot has happened in our time together & I have put up with an awful lot. So maybe it all runs deeper than just this.

Reginafalangie Fri 07-Aug-15 17:07:09

By the sounds of I OP I think you are right.

If he generally shows no thought for you or your DC then why is he in your family?
You say you do a lot for him. What does he do for you?

lunar1 Fri 07-Aug-15 17:36:46

I think you need to separate out the issues. If it's just down to finances then it's not on at all. If it's him wanting 1:1 time with his daughter and you could do the same if you wanted then I'd say it was fair enough.

juneau Fri 07-Aug-15 18:05:29

This situation IS unfair, because it sounds like you more than pay your way, even on a lower salary and since you and your DH are married then money coming in should ALL be joint, not 'his' and 'yours'. It should all go into one pot, bills be paid and the remainder be joint monies (half each, if you like). That way holidays and any days out, treats for the DC, would be shared out equally.

As for this:
Up until a few months ago I paid all bills etc food & otherwise. Now he has a decent job he gets to do all the things he likes with his d & my kids don't.
I hope you reminded him of that fact when he got all arsey and told you that paying for your DC is 'your problem'. He's happy to help himself to your money when it suits, but when it comes to him returning the favour he's like Smaug sitting on his pile of money. I'd call bullshit to that, if it was me!

Aza09 Fri 07-Aug-15 21:28:27

I am pleased someone sees from my point of view. Lots has happened too much to mention but I really have been a good wife when on many occasions I really should have said see ya. It is very hard when you love someone. When things are good they are really good but when thing's are not well... I think if the bad starts to out weigh the good then I need to 're think. I have been in a bad place before & not prepared to again. I have reminded him about things before but then I am fault for bringing up the past. It sometimes seems his way or no way!,

HormonalHeap Sat 08-Aug-15 05:21:50

How long have you been married? My dh has three children (older now) and i have 2. Dh would not dare suggest a holiday excluding one of my children. All the children are treated the same financially even though I don't work and dh does.

Despite the above. I still feel like you, that dh doesn't deserve the love of my kids- as he doesn't speak to them in quite the same way, put himself out to the same extent, or care as much.

I do find it strange that your dh doesn't seem to see you as one family, more like two separate families co-existing. I can understand why you are unhappy.

Aza09 Sat 08-Aug-15 08:31:46

We have been married for a year. He talks to my kids & is lovely to them but when it comes to actually doing things it seems he can't be bothered. When my c are at their d me my husband & his d do thing's ie, he'll take us out to dinner, never suggestions of that when mine are around. The holiday thing albeit a cheap little break only upsets me because we've done nothing together, my kids have done nothing & from a child's point of view they see my hd doing lots whether it be with us or someone else. If my h can afford to go away then I feel we should be included as we've not done anything then take his d somewhere else another time. I can't air my views about anything when it comes to his d because I am always in the wrong no matter what the subject, I would like to add I have never been unkind to her or about her either.

peggyundercrackers Sat 08-Aug-15 08:46:19

This all seems a bit strange - i get that he should spend time with his dd but surely as you are living as a family he should take all kids out if he is going out for a day/ weekend? Same as holidays, if your living as a family you don't just take 1child on holiday, you take them all.

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