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Need help please

(5 Posts)
davidjb1985 Fri 07-Aug-15 03:06:45

Hi

So a little about me. I am separated, I have 2 girls with the ex (a five yr old and a three yr old), and as uncommon as it is, we still get on. It turns out we were better friends then partners. Anyway we split up about two years ago.

Very recently I have started seeing someone who has three of her own kids. We have known each other for years and our five year old daughters are best friends in school, having been in the same class since nursery.

Here comes the main topic.

Her son is ten. And without going into too much detail, he doesn't trust men. I've had a chat with him asking if it was okay with him if me and his mom started dating and he just shrugged his shoulders. BUT, I didn't know about him and his distrust until after I had the talk with him.

How can I help him in this matter and did I do the right thing by talking to him alone? Also he does have Asperger's so any information in this matter so I would also like some information in this if you can help.

Many thanks

PeruvianFoodLover Fri 07-Aug-15 06:33:33

I've had a chat with him asking if it was okay with him if me and his mom started dating and he just shrugged his shoulders

That a hell of a responsibity to place on a 10 year old - especially one with SN.

Neverenuff Fri 07-Aug-15 07:45:22

What the boy wants is for his parents to be together. So asking him if you can date her is probably going to wind him up. (More so if he has SN I would have thought)

I don't think you should have asked him. What would you have done if he had said no - I don't want you to be with my mum?

I know you done what you thought was right though. Does his mum know you asked him? What does she think?

In my opinion it's not up to the child who dates their parents. After all you and she are the adults. I personally dont agree with children making the decisions about family or what's for tea etc. They have a say and opinion but ultimately the adults make the decisions.

Toffeelatteplease Fri 07-Aug-15 08:13:56

You could do with gaining a far better idea of aspergers.

Usually I would say you question was very sweet but the options for it being taken very literally is too great and I wonder whether he would have a understanding of what on earth you meant. Dating is an abstract concept that quite possibly he has no real idea of what it actually means for his mum or for him. Do stuff together is better because it is more concrete, go to the park or something else he enjoys even better because it is more concrete still.

To be far I doubt it is specifically you he is suspicious off. If you are used to not quite getting why people do what they do, say what they say etc, the world is a very suspicious place. Add to that if he is sesitive to touch or noise, he is never quite sure if to are going to touch him or may a noise he doesn't like. Humans are a vastly unpredictable suspicious beings.

Basics let home know when you have entered his space and left it. When you enter the house let him know you are there and say goodbye I'm leaving when you leave it. ASK PERMISSION BEFORE YOU ENTER HIS ROOM

Best way to get to know him? Probably playing along side him with something he's interested in, ideally your own version not his (depending on whether he gets anxious about people touching and moving his stuff).talk to him , give him space to process what you are saying. don't expect a reply if you do get a reply build from there. Don't be surprised if he goes from silent to suddenly joining in. Its kind of like "I'm going to sit here and do this jigsaw/watch this video/plays with this cars. I think you might like this..."

He has been struggling to met others social expectations of others all his life. If you want to get to know him you need to make those social expectations as undemanding or as explicit as possible.

wheresthelight Fri 07-Aug-15 08:19:16

Assuming the distrust is a result of abuse I think actually talking to him about it was a pretty smart thing to do. It gives him an ability to see that not all men will hurt him and that you respect him.

Personally I would just make sure that you take things very slowly with regard to integration etc and make sure that you play no part in discipline etc as that will cause more harm.

Talk to your girlfriend as she knows the boy best and contact some support groups to learn more about aspergers

Good luck

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