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I've had enough!! Sick of being treated like a baby sitter!

(31 Posts)
Dothefridgesquat Mon 03-Aug-15 13:22:49

DP has a DD (5) from a PR. DSD lives 35 miles away but usually spends 2 nights a week with us (DP picks her up from school on a Friday night and she stays until Sunday afternoon when he takes her back).

They broke up on July 17th so the have over 7 weeks off school this time round!! DP and I have a DD together (1). He has serious PFB and disney dad syndrome which didn't bother me until our DD was born and the preference he had/has for his older DD became apparent, for the first three months of her life she was referred to as "it" by him. He did absolutely nothing, he wouldn't cook or clean to help me out and in the end I had to give up BF after 3 months because I couldn't cope with everything that needed doing in the house, owing, looking after DSD etc (he also made me feel pretty shit about this).

He works long hours but is self employed so can chose when he would like to make more of an effort to actually interact with the kids.

He never makes an effort to eat meals with myself and DD unless DSD is here then he will make the effort, e.g on a morning where we don't have DSD he will just disappear out of the door but hen DSD is here he will sit and eat breakfast with us.

He is often out all day and can go days without seeing DD (she's usually in bed when he gets home). I appreciate that he works hard but I'm doing the lions share of childcare for both of the kids, he's never once bathed DD and doesn't help me with their bedtime routine so it's all down to me, he will quite happily sit on his arse and watch TV while I struggle.

Another tng that annoys me is his reluctance to pull DSD up on her behaviour. If I'm looking after her she's awesome, well behaved, will help me put toys away, bring her plates to the sink, she's polite etc, the moment her dad walks into the room it's like someone has Flicked a switch, she changes, she's rude to me, she will hit and spit, throw food on the floor, stomp her feet, scratch the list goes on and on. DP has very recently started to reprimand her but it's all too clear that it's too little too late really, she takes no notice if he is there. It's so frustrating, we've had DSD since the schools broke up and she's not going back to her DMs until the middle of this month and only for 4 days then she's straight back here again. I have no issue with looking after her it's more the fact that I get so much abuse off her when her dad is around because she knows she can get away with it and the fact that I get so little help. I work Friday and Saturday mornings and often have to take DD with me because he can't possibly look after them both. He gets mad with me and says that he wishes he could spend time with her but he's having to work all hours now due to the weather being quite good, that's fine, I understand that but I need help from him when he gets home!! It annoys me that he doesn't ask if I'm ok to have her before he agrees to having her for the majority of the 7 week holidays, I just feel that it's a big ask and I haven't been taken into consideration.

Hellionandfriends Mon 03-Aug-15 13:28:27

Can you tell him and his ex that they need to run all dates past you if they need you to do childcare. Please don't assume I'm free.

Hellionandfriends Mon 03-Aug-15 13:29:52

Or book some time to go see a friend for a few days and leave DH to sort childcare out.

Hellionandfriends Mon 03-Aug-15 13:30:34

Have you talked to him about his behaviour? What has he said?

Dothefridgesquat Mon 03-Aug-15 13:30:42

I don't have much to do with his ex but I've asked him to run it past me before and he told me that I'm being unreasonable.

Dothefridgesquat Mon 03-Aug-15 13:31:19

E.g. Well you're looking after DD anyway so another one won't matter.

Dothefridgesquat Mon 03-Aug-15 13:33:06

He just says that he's busy which can't be helped and I need to stop moaning and get on with it. He constantly excuses his behaviour "she's tired, she's this, she's that," DD doesn't get away with half of what DSD gets away with and she's 4 years younger!! I caught him smacking her bum once something he's never done to DSD

hesterton Mon 03-Aug-15 13:36:02

When she's being lovely with you alone, can you bring up her behaviour in a non - accusatory way to discuss why she thinks it changes when her dad is there?

He doesn't sound very nice. And i feel sorry for your baby. Are you otherwise happy?

hesterton Mon 03-Aug-15 13:37:05

Hang on he hit a one year old?

QueenArseClangers Mon 03-Aug-15 13:42:02

He hit a one year old baby?
Get out of this relationship with this lazy fucking abusive bastard. It'll only get worse.
At least if you were a lone parent you'd be only looking after one child and probably doing less than you have to do now.
Honestly love, you and your baby are worth far more than this. Can you imagine how fucked up your baby will be in a few years time always coming second? X

Dothefridgesquat Mon 03-Aug-15 13:42:48

Yes he hit a one year old!! A one year old who doesn't know any better but let's his 5YO who does know better get away with scratching, hitting etc. this was just last week. I don't know if he hasn't binded with her properly etc I just don't know but he's a lot more loving towards DSD to the point where friends have started to notice.

I've had words with her before and I always feel that were on the right track but as soon as he walks in she will start being uncooperative. She really does carry on like a spoiled brat.

I keep hanging on in there with the hope that it will start getting better.

DoreenLethal Mon 03-Aug-15 13:47:44

It wont get better.

QueenArseClangers Mon 03-Aug-15 13:48:42

Honestly, get out of there. If someone hit my one year old I'd have chopped his cock off and stuffed it down his bastard throat.
Calling the baby 'it'?! He sounds a prince. I suggest you post on the Relationships board and contact Women's Aid.
He's abusive to your baby and vile to you. What will he do next? Shake the baby?!
She only has you to protect her, I'm sat here with my sleeping 18 month old DD int arms and can't imagine letting anyone harm her.

QueenArseClangers Mon 03-Aug-15 13:50:21

And your DSD is a Red Herring: it's your twat of a partner you should be worried about.

SurlyCue Mon 03-Aug-15 13:55:02

This man is an asshole with or without your DSD!

My honest advice to you is file for divorce and leave.

Cynara Mon 03-Aug-15 14:02:35

He referred to your dd as "it"?? Sorry, I can't get past that bit enough to take in the rest. I'd be gone by now. He needs a serious kick up the arse.

xmasbaby2014 Mon 03-Aug-15 14:59:43

You need to leave him now, before your dd is old enough to realise shes being treated so differently to her dsis. Hitting a baby is disgusting, there is no excuse for it. It sounds like your life would be a lot easier without him in it.

xmasbaby2014 Mon 03-Aug-15 15:01:52

And it wont get better. I wasted 12 years with my abusive exh waiting for things to improve. They never did and I wish I had the courage to do it years earlier.

RiverTam Mon 03-Aug-15 15:04:55

Agree with others, the real problem here is your P. Your DSD is a red herring really. Do you have any nearby support?

MythicalKings Mon 03-Aug-15 15:08:43

Don't waste another day with this man. Please, for the sake of your DD, leave him.

CocaKoala Mon 03-Aug-15 15:16:57

I'd be out the door with my kids. Hitting a baby is no excuse - especially one so young who hasn't quite mastered how to communicate. No matter how somebody tries to paint it there is no excuse for it. As for you doing everything for DSD - stop! Leave your lazy excuse of a partner deal and sort out things for his own daughter. I wouldn't lift a finger. She is his responsibility. Leave him do everything for her if she is the precious one in his eyes.

I'd be gone, though - as hard as it may seem and how daunting it can be on your own. You'd probably find you'd have more of a break and your day will be less as consumed if it were just the two of you because you would no longer have an abusive lazy arse to mother too.

loveareadingthanks Mon 03-Aug-15 15:27:20

You are worrying about the wrong problem here.

You baby's father called her 'it' for months. He does no care for her and has not bonded with her. He is not nice to you. He has hit a year old baby (and I'm one who doesn't think smacking is always wrong, but ffs a baby doesn't need punishment/discipline of any variety! And smacking is the last resort as far as I'm concerned, for serious stuff only. Babies cannot be naughty).

What are you going to do?

Findtheoldme Mon 03-Aug-15 15:31:19

I really hope you're not the woman who posted before but the similarities are are undeniable. If you are, you were told back then this man is a shit and you are stupid to stay.

RiverTam Mon 03-Aug-15 15:36:27

Well, that's helpful hmm.

madwomanbackintheattic Mon 03-Aug-15 15:45:55

The DSD is not the issue.
Time to walk and let him sort it out himself.

I'm not too fussed about the breakfast thing - a five year old is going to be a lot more cognisant of having breakfast with daddy than a baby, and some of this reads a the usual run of the mill sexist childcare and chores are women's work and I'm working hard bollocks. (To which my usual response is to book a long weekend away without the kids and let him work it out himself) but on this occasion I don't know if I could be arsed.

Do you think he has any possibility of redeeming himself as a parent op? Or better to just accept that you are better off on your own?

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