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awful awful awful birth'mother'- anyone experiencing same/similar?

(13 Posts)
Lullaby15 Sun 02-Aug-15 09:14:15

Sorry for the rant i'm about to pursue -

I have x2 SC (i'm married to their dad). Dad brought them both up as single parent from them being aged 2 as the mother walked out on them for another man (although has told her kids that she was depressed and had sever post natal depression in her relationship with their dad and would have killed herself if she remained in it). Both kids remained with dad into their teens, one with us now and the other (girl) moved in with her mum and stepdad for the first time nearly 2 years ago.

Mother has only tried to claim custody of them once during the past 16 years and did so with a pack of lies claiming my husband to be an abusive ex-husband and father who is not capable of looking after the kids. The courts saw through the lies and the kids stayed with dad. The mother then took straight to FB stating that her kids (then aged 12/13) were punishing her when it is their dad who is the 'violent' one. Lies lies lies lies lies.

She did not start paying CSA until the kids were about 8/9 and then the payments were sporadic, she owed approx. £2k in arrears, although when she quit her job, miraculously £1k of this seemed to be wiped off! She is now working full time again and is also self-employed from home.

The mother and her new husband had a child of their own, a couple of years after she left my (now) husband and her kids. They manage to holiday several times a year, buy new cars etc. but whilst both kids were living with their dad, she only ever took her new daughter on holiday. Now the other daughter is living with her they take her but they continue to leave her son out (now 18) although has the cheek to ask him to 'house-sit' whilst she takes her other kids on holiday!

For Christmas Stepdaughter got a new Iphone, stepson got pink bathbombs, a 99p pen and an old used razor that we have had to throw out.

She brags about her holidays and 'family' days out on social media sites tagging her husband and 2 daughters in the pictures etc but again leaves her son out, knowing full well that he can see it.

On stepsons 16th birthday, the mother did not call him until 3pm in the afternoon to wish him happy birthday. It broke my heart to hear my step son say to her 'I thought you had forgotten'.

On Stepsons 17th birthday, the mother phoned my husband (not her son) to ask why her son hasn't phoned to thank her for the birthday card she sent.

A couple of year ago, she wrote on my stepson's FB wall (when he was 16 years old) suggesting he was worse than an offender in prison as he did not send her a mothers day card. She stated that even prisoners buy their mothers something, that her son could not be bothered etc and that as a mother her last parenting option was to name and shame her son in front of all his friends and family on FB to show him for what he is. This obviously back-fired and she only showed herself for what SHE really is.

Since my stepdaughter moved in with mother and stepfather she has had letters from school threatening with suspension from 6th form because of behaviour, she missed all her AS level exams due to being in hospital but for some reason cannot resit these and has since gone onto a 'traineeship' (not government approved) for which she was sacked from 2-3 weeks into starting it and is now out of employment and full time education since May - yet mother is still claiming CSA monies. Upon trying to talk to SC, was informed that her mother found this (being sacked) funny. Me and my husband are frantic that she is out of education but can't seem to get it through to her how important it is. When she lived with dad she had dreams of what she wanted to do for a career.
It has also come to light just recently that the step father calls my stepson a w****r when he is not over there and when he doesn't go over on a weekend etc they resort to name calling as though he is not seeing them on purpose/to punish them. The mother also referred to the birth of her son, in front of her son, me, my husband, as the removal of a tumour!!!!

The step-father has an article online, in the local paper, telling how he struggled with male post-natal depression when their first child was born (obviously the 2 children from a previous marriage were not included or even thought of in this article).

I am at the end of my tether with these people and am repulsed that this woman demands her kids to call her 'mother' and their stepdad their 'father'. To me this woman could not be further from being a 'mother'. I have tried giving her benefit of the doubt, despite being told how she bad-mouths me and my husband to her kids. The kids seem to pander to her and put her on this pedestal, I assume they crave the love from their 'mother', but they will never get it. I just wish they would see how emotionally/psychologically abusive she is to them. There is nothing we can do about it, apart from pick up all the pieces when she treats them like @*!?>!?*. I'm heartbroken for these kids - they deserve better!

Anyone else have issues like this????? could do with the support.

WhyStannisWhy Sun 02-Aug-15 09:19:03

This isn't something I have experience of but I.couldn't read and run. She sounds truly vile and isn't helping either of her children. Your poor DSS. It isn't hard to see why he chose to stay with you and his dad.

wafflyversatile Sun 02-Aug-15 09:26:04

Well worthy of a rant. Hopefully they will see her abuse for what it is sooner rather than later. It must be incredibly frustrating for you to feel so impotent.

Lullaby15 Sun 02-Aug-15 09:28:28

I really want them to have a happy relationship with mum and dad, despite the divorce. I'm just mortified how they seem to be treated by their mother and have no idea of what we can do. DSS seems to get the worst of it , especially since DSD moved in with mum, it feels like theyre punishing him for living with dad. It truly is heartbreaking.

Quesera21 Sun 02-Aug-15 10:07:44

Lullaby15 - I feel sorry for the children but they will know the truth even if they do not speak it.

Sadly, this type of behaviour is more commonly ( but not exclusively) the preserve of errant fathers. As mothers we all wonder how someone can be so callous, thoughtless, heartless etc.

They have had a great Dad in their lives, as a constant - this is important they know loving, caring and sadly they know the converse. They will know which one they prefer.

Does not stop you being angry and hurt for them.

JakieOH Sun 02-Aug-15 11:20:07

She sounds like a train wreck sad haven't experienced this myself but you sound like more of a mother than the 'birth mother'! I'm sure DD will realise this as she gets olderflowers

Lullaby15 Sun 02-Aug-15 17:43:00

This is the comment the "mother" put on FB to "shame" her 15 year old son for not getting her a mother's day card. Bearing in mind she walked out on him for another man when he was 2 years old. The area that I've * really makes my blood boil. I'm totally heartbroken for the kid to have this as a "parent".

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" unless you've ever been the one wondering why your (almost ADULT) son thinks so little of you that, while he'll bend over backwards for his friends and other family members, he completely fails to even acknowledge his only Mother's birthday, Mothers Day, Christmas etc, then you cannot begin to understand my feelings or to analyse my reasons for the comment.

But, since you ask (I'm presuming you wanted an answer, considering your punctuation?) I shall explain;

Should (my son) feel that he must remove my comment to prevent his peers from seeing it and believing him to be thoughtless, I'm certain he knows how to do so.
Ah....but that would imply he feels "shame" and it is THAT which is my intention.

After having tried one-on-one discussions and displays/explanations of "indifference" and "anger" as well as "disappointment" and "hurt" - my raising of the subject in this "public" forum is my last "throw of the die" (so to speak) before I conclude that my son feels nothing for me!

*Even mums in prison receive flowers on mothers day (I know this as I have an acquaintance who works at a women's prison).
The scrotes who go out robbing and fighting of an evening, can be seen carrying bunches of flowers, chocolates and cards through the streets - to take to their mums on Mother's day. Granted, these gifts may very well be stolen; but at least they care for their mothers.*

Psychologically/anthropologically speaking, I'm attempting to apply a "peer shame/guilt hypothesis" which is merely one of many parenting methods for the encouragement of certain behavioural traits; attempting to mould the boy into the kind and thoughtful man I know he can be (as evidenced by his treatment of your good self and others on "special occasions").

My intention is not just to "have a go" at (my son), but to prompt him to consider his behaviours and the potential associated feelings of shame; an action which has been proven to be effective in guiding certain behavioural patterns.
So while it may, at first glance, appear that I have merely been unkind to him "on a whim": you now know that I have given the matter great thought and have merely been waiting for an opportunity to exercise it"

"embarrassment /shame/ guilt (whatever you want to call it) does not happen unless there's something to feel guilty about: which was my point".

RiverTam Sun 02-Aug-15 21:09:03

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wafflyversatile Sun 02-Aug-15 23:57:57

So she's admitting that she is manipulating him to bend to her will. Did anyone point out that if he is thoughtful to friends and other family his behaviour to her might have more to do with her than him?

DellaDoolittle Mon 03-Aug-15 00:18:20

River, I've just had a quick look and I her other post, the op states that her partner has older teenage children from a different relationship.

DellaDoolittle Mon 03-Aug-15 00:18:37

In not I

wafflyversatile Mon 03-Aug-15 00:27:24

Bit curious as to why you would be researching her previous posts anyway.

There is nothing in this thread that merits it.

WhyIRayLiotta Mon 03-Aug-15 09:21:38

It sounds like a tricky situation. But there's a lot of detail. Particularly in the mention of the article on male pnd. I'd say that's pretty identifiable.

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