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Becoming a Stepmother and having an abortion.Does it get better???

(19 Posts)
Skattybird29 Tue 28-Jul-15 16:56:10

Hey all,

Hope that I can get some advice here regarding being a step parent and coping with the grief and sorry to say resentment towards DP's children. I am 32 years old and I am soon to be ( getting married hopefully within the next two years) a stepmother to three young children. I recently had an abortion which was a decision made by both my partner and I. But recently rather then it getting easier it is getting harder. I look at his kids and think that he wanted them with another woman and not me. It makes me feel very insecure, which is silly because it was my decision aswell. When I see him hugging his kids, kissing them even worrying over them , or gushing about how beautiful they all are it really does feel like a dagger going through me and I feel incredibly jealous. I guess I find it hard, as his children are a constant reminder and it is all in my face. In particular with the youngest who is a toddler. My partner admitted that he felt pressured to have his last two children and wanted to be completely honest with his feelings with me. But even though that is a positive it still hurts knowing that he regarded her needs and wants and I in a way miss out and I am going through this heart ache. Does that make sense? Sorry I feel quite emotional writing this. So has anyone else been through this???? Or know a way that I can get through this better?

lunar1 Tue 28-Jul-15 18:30:36

I haven't been through this but I couldn't read and run. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. Do you want children in the future? Because if there is even the slightest chance you do I think you are going to have to make a tough decision regarding your relationship.

I can imagine the resentment would only get worse over time not better. If he has finished having children has he gone for a vasectomy? Don't let him keep you hanging with the possibility he may be ready someday.

FluffyBumOnTheRun Tue 28-Jul-15 21:37:11

Oh op I can really feel for you. I too had an abortion whilst being a sm. it was a joint decision but like you, after I found it very hard to watch my dp with his kids. He was also a bit pressure into having his second child (to try and make their relationship work) and his first dc they decided to abort (both very young) but he stopped her. I asked myself why didn't he stop me but looking back now, if we had gone through with it i'd probably be in the same position as his ex. It wasn't the right time and maybe some counselling for you would help.

I'm married to him now, we have bough a house (couldn't have done that if we'd kept the baby) and have our own ds who his kids adore.

Please talk to him, and please find help with your gp if you need to. thanks

FluffyBumOnTheRun Tue 28-Jul-15 21:41:02

I should also ask have you spoken about children in the future? I can tell you that if you do want them and he doesn't I'd think long and hard about going down this road with him. If it was a case of bad timing that you decided to have a termination then you have something to work on

Kkaty Tue 28-Jul-15 21:47:28

That is really tough for you, does it make you think about whether you would like children in the future?

Or if you don't, how happy are you to have a partner who does have children?

I know these are hard things to think about - but it may help - are your feelings of jealousy about wanting your own? Or wanting a man who also does not have kids?

If you want children in the future then that is a big thing to give up for a partner.

Cadburyhome Tue 28-Jul-15 21:55:35

Hi, Glad you've managed to talk on here about how you're feeling. Are you able to talk to your DP about some of your feelings? Do you ever talk about the abortion or have those "what if?" conversations with him? Maybe he feels he can't talk about it / bring it up for fear of upsetting you?

I would agree to counselling being a worthwhile option for you to explore. I would also suggest some counselling sessions as a couple, just as an arena in which you can have those emotionally charged conversations with the benefit of a counsellor, who will mediate for you.

Being a step mum can be relentless, thankless and tiring at times, without the extra emotion you're carrying around at the moment. Give yourself a break to allow some breathing space to get some perspective.

Reginafalangie Tue 28-Jul-15 22:22:30

OP I am so sorry you are feeling like this.

I cannot begin to imagine how conflicted and hurt you feel.

Only advice I can give is try looking at this another way. It isn't about him choosing to give his ex what she wanted and feeling more for her than you. It is about how dishonest their relationship was. He was unable to express is wants and needs and she cared so little she chose to do as she pleased.

Isn't it better that he feels free and trusts you enough to listen to what he wants and discuss what works for you both instead of just keeping quiet and giving in? Their relationship broke down OP and their children have a divorced mum and dad, don't covet that, it isn't the life you want.

You cannot blame him or his children for the choice you made as the resentment will eat away at you. As others have said seek counselling, you are grieving. There is time for you to have children together and extend your family when the time is right for both of you.

I know you say it was your decision too but from reading your post it sounds like you may have been railroaded. Apologises if I am way off the mark.

Skattybird29 Tue 28-Jul-15 22:35:01

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I don't really talk to anyone about how i feel. Everytime I get upset and bring it up when i am with my partner he makes me feel worse. I do have a child of my own already from a previous relationship but i think it makes having had the termination harder, as i experienced all the excitement and emotions of going full term. I am not sure if I want more children but I would like the option. DP has not had a vasectomy and he does say that when the time is right we will decide together. I sometimes feel like I was swayed into having the abortion, as he expressed quite frequently that he had no desire for us to keep the child and that if we kept it, it would fuck up our relationship. It makes me jealous for so many reasons. This experience has shattered my self esteem and it makes me feel worthless. I sometimes wish that I hadn't fallen for a man with children and that I could have a "fresh" start but that makes me a hypocrite as I have one of my own. I never used to have an issue with the ex wife but now i even hate him talking to her which is a dangerous road to go down. I sometimes feel like i am going mad. I do need to speak to a counsellor. I have spoken twice to one but i felt like I couldn't say I how I truely felt as I felt cruel with the resentment towards his children.

Skattybird29 Tue 28-Jul-15 22:42:41

Reginafalangie- your advice about looking the other way and about the dishonesty in their relationship has really helped. I have been so down today your words have really helped. I sometimes feel like I am almost consumed by the grief, confusion and jealousy which are a bunch of heavy stuff.

Skattybird29 Tue 28-Jul-15 22:48:41

Fluffybumontherun (great name ) - you sound incredibly strong and I am so glad that you have happiness after going through it all. I really am going to seek advice. It has been 3 months now and it is not getting any easier. Even just creating this post is a big step for me

Reginafalangie Tue 28-Jul-15 22:55:29

You are grieving skatty and you need help with that.

Your anger at the ex is because you are angry at him. I am sorry but it doesn't sound like he gave you much choice in the matter.

Every time you feel jealousy or resentment towards her remember that they split up. You have nothing to be jealous of and none of this is her or her children's fault. Repeat that every time you feel that way.

Don't put their past relationship on a pedestal OP it clearly wasn't that good.

I really hope you seek some RL support and please be honest with the councillor otherwise you may never get passed this. flowers

FluffyBumOnTheRun Wed 29-Jul-15 07:01:16

Ragina is right, I felt jealousy towards the fact he gave his ex what she wanted but I realise now it was all false. He was doing it to cover the truth, that their relationship wasn't right.

It's still early days for you, please see your gp, and if you can both talk to someone all the better.

hurtsdoesntit Wed 29-Jul-15 08:55:52

Hi OP – I’ve been through similar and totally understand how you feel. DP has a son from a previous relationship, I have no children. It’s never been massively high on my agenda, but I hadn’t ruled it out – DP knew this when he met me and we have gone through phases of ‘wouldn’t it be nice’ and phases of ‘no way’. I’m in my late 30s so time is quickly running out for me. I fell pregnant accidentally last year, and it was a huge shock – I had pretty much convinced myself I was infertile for a number of reasons so it hadn’t even entered my head that this could happen. It was totally and utterly the wrong time for us because of various things we had going on in our lives. I also have a hereditary disease in my family that meant any pregnancy that hadn’t been planned in advance and monitored by a doctor could have ended badly (don’t want to give too much info here in case I out myself). So, I terminated. I was, even on the day, and with all the reasons I stated, uncertain I was doing the right thing. DP was certain we were, and every time I wanted to discuss ‘what if’ in the run up to the termination he reminded me of all the reasons why not. A year down the line, I am not really scarred by the decision, or by the termination itself, with hindsight I do believe it was the right thing as I am still not convinced now that I want children or that I would have been happy with a baby. But I do think a lot about where we would be now if DP had even uttered one word of encouragement or given any indication that he would be happy to be a dad again, instead of being horrified that it had happened and adamant that we had to terminate. I think the result might have been different. Not saying it would have been the right result, just different.

His son was not planned; his exW insisted on going through with the pregnancy even though he wasn’t keen as their relationship was on the rocks, so he had been through this before, and I am pretty sure if he hadn’t he might have acted differently when it happened to us. I also think having already been a parent with all its ups and downs and stresses (and he doesn’t cope well with stress) influenced whether he wanted to do it again – if he hadn’t already had a child I suspect his reaction would have been quite different. He says he loves me way more than he ever loved her, and I do believe him, but a small part of me still thinks ‘well you had a baby with her, why not with me’, even though I know that’s ridiculous, having a baby with me wouldn’t have meant that he loved me any more or any less.

And, EOW I have to watch him being a dad to the first child that was unplanned, whereas ‘my’ unplanned child never got a chance. It’s tough, really tough. And when he says he misses SS, or is upset about something to do with him, I feel kind of numb, a total lack of empathy, which wasn’t there before. If I ever get upset about ‘our’ baby I get a hug and a ‘but you know we made the right decision’, and the conversation is over. I really don’t think he ever even thinks about the ‘what ifs’ like I do, it’s over and done for him. For me, it has changed our relationship, and I am still trying to work out what the end result is, for him I suspect nothing has changed. We don’t talk about it.

Sorry no words of wisdom, just empathy. It hurts. But for what it’s worth, after 3 months, I was still a hormonal mess, crying at the drop of a hat, getting upset over silly things. That has changed, and hopefully once your body settles back down to normal the raw grief may fade a little. Mine has. I still have the 'what ifs' and the resentment, but it is bearable now. flowers for you.

Skattybird29 Wed 29-Jul-15 18:00:02

Reginafalangie/hurtsdoesntit - I feel so incredibly angry at my partner and if I have the slightest drop of alcohol I become this monster and everything comes out. So I really do need to be truthful with a counsellor, as all this anger is not healthy for not just myself but my relationship and also how I feel about his children. I do love my partner alot, but sometimes I think that I am always going to have these sad and angry feelings forever when it comes to him and his children. I sometimes want to leave as I feel like it gets a bit much for me. I can almost hate him at times. Especially when he shows me baby pictures of his kids and just after the abortion he found some newborn photos of his eldest and put them up for display. It is like he never really considered my feelings and just was so adament that he wanted the pregnancy to be terminated that he almost , completely disregarded my feelings. The most strangest thing that he says is that he is glad that we didn't go through ,as he knows that I just want him for him. I really hate that sentence and he has said it quite frequently. Is that just typical male behaviour after an abortion?

FantasticButtocks Wed 29-Jul-15 18:11:24

Are you really, really, really sure you want to marry him? Sorry, OP, but do you think you are going to be happy with him and his children? I am a SM, as well as having my own dcs, (they are all adults now) and it is not an easy road to go down. Feeling as you do about his DCs, you may want to reconsider the route you are taking. You don't have to stay in this relationship you know.

Skattybird29 Wed 29-Jul-15 18:20:56

Fantastic- That is the question that I ask myself practically every other day. When its me and him it is amazing and I do really like his children. They are all very sweet and have great characters. But when i see him hugging his kids and kissing them and saying how much he loves them ( like a good dad should) I literally cringe inside and I have to face the other way. I have not always felt like this, it is since the termination I have these awful feelings. I feel like a complete cow. I sometimes just want to run away

FantasticButtocks Wed 29-Jul-15 21:17:11

Maybe these feelings are temporary then, in which case some counselling could help you to sort through these feelings. If you find a good counsellor/therapist things may become clearer.

swingofthings Thu 30-Jul-15 08:49:47

I really agree with Fantastic, I really don't think you are ready to marry this man. I think you are dealing with a lot of emotional issues that means you are just not ready to become a step-mum and start marriage with a man who might be at a very different level to you.

Only you know how you came about being pregnant, but are you sure there wasn't a part of it that came down to you feeling that it would pin down your OH? That although you say you both agreed to the termination, you'd hope that he would be totally happy with it and that it would mean him starting to transfer his love for his children to you and you newborn, and the fact that this hasn't happened means you now wonder whether his commitment to you is genuine?

The reality is that you are suffering from serious insecurities that are leading you to making assumptions about his feelings for you. A good counsellor would hopefully help you see things from his perspective which is likely totally different to yours.

His is probably that he has three children and his role amongst all is to be a good dad to them and rightly so. You came into his life, he has fallen in love, would love to bring his devotion to his children and commitment to you together, but that this can only happen taking small steps in time. He didn't want this baby because he felt that the way it came into his life was wrong. It doesn't mean that he will never want further children, but right now, his priority is to make sure that his children are settled and happy and then that you and your boy are settled in your new life with him, and then all together.

He is the voice of reason whereas your decisions are based on you fears to lose out. This never leads to a contented marriage.

Noluckpunk Fri 31-Jul-15 09:50:18

I know what you mean by the anger, and even if you love him and the kids, it's soul destroying. I suffered several MC, had to play house with his kids the day after the scan showing there was nothing left, and feel so very very angry that he had kids with her so easily and I have to forego my right to IVF on NHS if I want this relationship. It reopened all the floodgates of feelings I had when I was first diagnosed. It's like you're never given time to grieve in peace as your space is full of someone's else's past. I would detach, ask him to take the kids out as much as possible and make time for you.

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