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Can't get passed feeling angry for him

(12 Posts)
RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Sun 26-Jul-15 12:16:09

Perfectly willing to be told I'm being unreasonable and a bit of a moo, but I just can't shake this feeling off.

DH has two kids from previous relationship, one an adult and one an older teen. We have one child together. DH's ex and her family have always treated DH like something they've scraped off their shoe, despite DH paying more CM than he should, giving her 100% of the house so the kids had stability and never missing any payments whatsoever in over a decade. He sees them regularly and phones/texts often. For years ex slagged his family off and they (especially SIL had nothing nice to say about her). Not nice really. I refused to join in as I didn't think it was right (I was only getting one side of the story and my gut instinct was I was being set up a bit into saying negative things).

Anyway seems like my gut instinct was right and they were staying in touch. BIL and SIL live overseas and it seems ex contacted the to ask if her kids could go on holiday there. DH wasnt consulted at all and they agreed between.

I'll be honest I was pissed off for DH, for years he wasn't 'allowed' have them overnight (typical bloke didn't want to rock the boat so meekly have in) then later wasn't 'allowed' to take them on holiday when years ago he wanted to take the to his DBs. So many obsticles put in the way, passports withheld. So now she's got a significant other she can't palm them off quick enough, but their dad still isn't good enough!

I also don't trust ILs given how SIL was trying to manipulate me into saying something negative. I don't trust them not to pour poison in their ears. DH is quite sanguine about it all, he says they'll believe what they want to and he can't control that.

Now this seems to have turned into a regular thing with DH excluded. I'm so flipping steaming on his behalf and just get a knot in my stomach for him every time it comes up. Why can't I just get over it ?!?

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Sun 26-Jul-15 12:19:38

Sorry lots of typos and missing words in there!

Anon4Now2015 Sun 26-Jul-15 14:06:19

The kids are adults, right? So why should they have to go through their father to speak to their aunt and uncle.

And the ex didn't want her children to go away without her when they were younger but now they are older she's OK with it and is helping them sort out arrangements? Seems reasonable to me.

You don't know that your SIL was trying to trick you into bad-mouthing the ex. She may well have mixed feelings about the ex but has stayed loosely in touch for the sake of her DNs.

And I agree with your DH - people will believe what they want to believe.


charlyn Sun 26-Jul-15 14:18:59

If the kids are now an adult and older teen I don't see how the ex can stop them seeing their dad when they want or the dad having them over, they can decide what they want really.

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Sun 26-Jul-15 15:20:42

Thanks for your responses.

They don't speak to their aunt and uncle their mother does. If they were doing it directly it wouldn't be an issue because as you say they are their relatives after all. It's the ex who arranges it all. Seems like dad is air brushed out from his own family iyswim.

My SIL has been heard repeating things people have said to stir. She was bitching about her MIL at her own MILs dinner table when MIL went out of the room. First thing SIL did after I met her was start saying nasty things about DH's ex, literally within minutes of meeting me. My DH doesn't really like her as she's been like this for years apparently, stirring trouble.

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Sun 26-Jul-15 15:24:35

maybe I am over reacting then. If it were my family and my ex did this my DB would ring me and say ' ex has been in contact and asked XYZ, just letting you know. ILs don't ever let DH know what's going on, which you'd think they would given that it involves his children staying with them. Maybe the problem is with them then. Just feel muddled over it. My family would never operate this way.

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Sun 26-Jul-15 16:01:18

Sorry for keeping on posting, but things keep occurring to me. Really trying not to drip feed!

It's the hypocrisy that gauls me. They slagged ex off, ex slagged them off. For years this went on and now they are arranging holidays between themselves. Just seems very hypocritical to me.

DH booked tickets years ago to take kids to see his DB, everything was agreed with ex and the ex changed her mind and pulled the plug. All the money was lost. DH was gutted.

Last time we saw the ILs they took delight in rubbing DHs nose in it that they had been over and that they'd arranged it with ex (and no I'm not imaging it!). Kept trying to steer the conversation back to it, particularly SIL.

I just don't understand it all. They plainly said to me when they met me for the first time how happy they were that DH had got divorced because he had been so miserable for years and that they were seeing the real him again. His DB even thanked me for making him happy! So I don't get where all this game playing is coming from.

Plus ex openly said she didn't like his brother or SIL at all, apparently she said this throughout their marriage, so why send your kids there!

Please help me understand because I don't understand this at all!

mynewpassion Sun 26-Jul-15 18:25:17

Easy to understand I think. They are putting their differences aside for the children's sake. They probably don't really like each other but instead of putting their dislike of each other first, they are putting the children first in these instances of agreement. I think they can realize that the ex is a good mother and she can see that the ILs love the children.

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Sun 26-Jul-15 19:53:48

But why freeze DH out if there is all this good will flying around?!?

Poor bloke looks a bit down sad

He's done nothing wrong , he's been consistent and supportive throughout their childhood.He really doesn't deserve this.

And if it's putting their differences aside for the sake of the children why is SIL rubbing DH's nose in it???

I'm not buying the goodwill thing. Sorry if I sound bitter but if you were in my shoes and seen/heard what I had over the years then I bet most of you wouldn't. sad

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Sun 26-Jul-15 19:56:41

And SIL doesn't love the kids. For a long time she called them spoilt and weird, which made me angry on their part. She used to make digs about their diet, clothes everything.

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Sun 26-Jul-15 20:06:57

Sorry me again, I can kinda get where the ex is coming from. She wants the kids to have a nice holiday, cheap and somewhere where there are people they will know. She wants time alone with her DH, I get that. And I can get why to a certain extent why she'd want to go behind DHs back, a little bit of power or control (she hates DH for agreeing to a divorce when she asked him, he wasnt suppose to say yes) that's human nature or whatever, we're all human at the end of the day.

I just don't get why the ILs would want to hurt him by freezing him out or even just not letting him know FFS! If the shoe were on the other foot and their adult child arranged something with us they'd be pissed off big time if we didn't let them know!!

Anon4Now2015 Mon 27-Jul-15 11:44:37

In the nicest possible way, you seem obsessed with this and you need to let it go. It isn't bothering your DH and it has nothing to do with you. Whatever is happening and whether or not other people find it reasonable or unreasonable he has reached a level of acceptance about it and you need to respect that and do the same. You obsessing over whether or not it is fair is going to be what creates the conflict, nothing else.

So you're SIL is a bit a bit of a two-faced bitch. You know this and you know to be careful around her. It's not an attractive quality but it's also not an exceptionally rare one - and if it is a general personality trait there isn't going to be anything you can do to stop her doing it. The fact that's she's a bit two-faced and likes to have a bitch doesn't mean that she doesn't love the children though or enjoy seeing them. The fact that she has stayed in touch with her neice/nephew and their resident parent is nothing unusual nor is it something negative - in fact I think it shows how positively both SIL and the ex can act for the sake of the children.

Nobody is freezing you DH out. Your DSC are young adults and are making arrangements to have a trip overseas to visit relatives, and the resident parent is helping them to make those arrangements. All sounds completely normal to me. You say your DH isn't overly bothered about it. Maybe what's making him down is the fact that you don't seem to be able to get over it.

And I'm sorry but you really do need to stop making comparisons between what happened years ago and what is happening now. Of course parents are going to be happy for their adult DC to do things that they weren't happy for them to do when they were younger. Again sticking to making those comparisons and insisting that it's unfair is only likely to cause a conflict where there doesn't need to be one (and where your DH clearly doesn't want one)

Seriously OP unless you want there to be a family conflict where there is no need for one, then you need to get over this. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but the real problem in this is you not letting it go.

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