why does my nearly 16 yo suddenly hate her stepdad?

[stressedmum73]

I have been married to my husband for nearly 8 years and prior to that was with a partner who wasn't my daughters dad (he passed a way)
My daughter see her real dad once a month and he is a bit of a disappointment to her emotionally. Over the last 2-3 years the relationship between my daughter and my husband has deteriated so badly that she struggle to even say hello to him. She doesn't get angry to his face but is vile about him to me and my friends who have really tried to make her see that she has a really nice life.
When asked recently what she didn't like about his she couldn't think of anything other than to say he gets involved in things that arnt anything to do with him. He does back me up and doesn't think im strict enough with her. Recent events have proved though that me being nice mum is not working!
Has anyone been through this? do you think they might ever be friends??

[swingofthings]

Well if she knows that you being strict with her (ie. not letting her do what she wants) is a result of his influence, then of course she is not going to like him much.

I think you need to find the right balance between making it clear to her that he means well and is only acting like a father do, but at the same time not making her believe that you are relying fully on him to decide how to discipline her.

[Kkaty]

Yes, on the other side! I have a teenage DSD who is really disrespectful of me. I think my OH has tried to 'cajole' her and see that I am a 'nice person' - basically giving her the impression that her opinion matters.

Well it doesn't!!! And you should make that very clear to her. Your husband is YOUR choice and not hers - stick up for the poor man!

But so what whether I'm 'nice' or not? This is not a mates down the pub situation!! She has obviously no respect and is rude and horrible to your husband - tell her in no uncertain terms that she has to say Hello to him, has to be cordial, polite and keep any resentment well away from ruining any atmosphere in the house. If she doesn't start taking privileges away until she does. Stand up to her!! Would you let any one else be so rude to your husband?

[lunar1]

She is on her third dad, one who sounds like a bitter disappointment, one died and your dh is her third. Maybe she is finding it hard to deal with as she is getting older.

[iamanintrovert]

My daughter is only 7, but my psychologist counsellor advised me to make it clear to her that she has to find things to like about her step dad - basically that it wasn't OK for me to let her get away with "not liking him", which is what I had been doing, and she was treating him very rudely, mostly in passive ways.

[swingofthings]

ianmanintrovert, so has she given reasons why she doesn't like him? And if so, what did you do with what she said?

[Jphilips19]

Why does your partner have to back you up if you tell her off? Of course she won't like it you are making him look the bad guy to her. Instead make a point of telling her off yourself , likewise let him tell her off when she does something against him. Yes you can be united but preferably in encouraging her to behave reasonably not offensively.

If she insists on bad mouthing him to others let him tell her that he is not going to allow her to continue being so insulting and that if she wants the good life style both of you provide then she learns to hold her tongue otherwise it will not continue. I would also suggest imho that you both behave very coolly towards her until she apologises.

[giraffesCantBrushTheirTeeth]

was it sudden or gradual?

does she spend much time with him?