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i know this is trivial but aibu??

(14 Posts)
alwaystryingtobeafriend Wed 22-Jul-15 08:22:00

My dsd has a habit of relaying everything that is said or done in our house back to mum. As a result this has caused numerous arguments over things that don't matter. (Some do and I get why mum goes bonkers so I apologise to the kids if I've overstepped a mark)

Anyway theme general contact is we get kids 2 or 3 nights mid week and Every other weekend. we drop kids off in mornings when mid week and i pick them up one night a week.

My work is literally 5 min drive from kids mum's house. But more recently she is refusing to bring them over as she has no petrol and could 'always' not just come get them.

This really gets on my nerves because 1. i am not a taxi service , 2. Why does she have no petrol when she knows she has to do drop offs and 3. I'm fed up with anything I say going back to mum so less time I have on my own the better.

Yesterday she ducked out of a dropoff as she was going past my work and thought I could just bring them home to save her from doing so. Dp asked me but I was working on later and I said she'd be just as quick dropping them off. She said no it's fine and waited. (Until she had to leave for work and kids were just hanging about my works car park) so I asked dp if she was dropping kids off today (my usual pick up) and he said no I have to do it.

This has really pissed me off because of the reasons above and the fact that I am now being so petty. It seriouslya boys me that sh. Always manages to just do 1 drop off this week while we will be making 5 this week.

dp does the dropping off in mornings now after a recent incident which resulted in me shouting at dss because he was arsing about while I'm rushing out the door to get them home and go to work.

Dp cannot see why im so pissed off.

I know I'm being unreasonable because the kids are just5 minutes from my work so it shouldn't matter but it does to me. I feel I am being taken advantage of.

Melonfool Wed 22-Jul-15 10:27:54

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I do think your actions won't cause the change you desire.

The parents have to be the ones to deal with this. I also resent being used to do routine stuff for dss unless I am asked - in my view, I have no kids, my time is my own, unless I know in advance that I need to do something/be somewhere, then it is not my responsibility to leave work early to make sure one of us is there for dss - if I need to work late, or want to go out, etc, then that is up to me unless plans have been made.

I think you need to delink this from them relaying stuff to mum though, including that in your reasons for being annoyed is like you#re trying to punish someone for it and they are just kids so they are always going to do that.

Your dp needs to sort out the pick ups and drop offs. And make sure the dm doesn't have your phone number so she can't include you in her lack of planning. If dp calls of texts you when you are at work, don't answer, just leave them to sort it out and later say you were tied up with work and couldn't respond and didn't now if you'd be free later anyway.

We're probably going to have an issue tonight. dp is working away, three hours travel each way, his job finishes at 4pm so he should be back about 7pm. I am working at home - this means dss is in my care all day, no-one asked if I mind this btw. At 14 he's not much trouble I guess (he's still in bed anyway), but he can be an annoying little sod sometimes. I have a meeting at 7.15pm which will take me 40 mins to get to, so I need to leave before dp gets back. But no-one has bothered to consider this - dss will be on his own (the recently imposed rule that he is not to be left on his own in the house, since some bad behaviour, gets overlooked when it is inconvenient) and who will be making his tea? It won't be me. smile dp will doubtless have a meltdown that he has 'been at work all day and there is no tea', I will respond that I too have been at work all day, in fact longer due to my meeting in the evening and that I am not his/dss skivvy so don't make their tea and that I am happy with toast anyway......

Maybe I'll pop something in the slow cooker!

alwaystryingtobeafriend Wed 22-Jul-15 11:45:12

Thanks melon. I feel bad because dp now thinks I am being difficult. Which I suppose I am. And he feel guilty for asking me to do the pick ups.

I hate being a SP sometimes.

CocaKoala Wed 22-Jul-15 13:01:34

I agree, your DP needs to sort out the drop offs and pick ups with their mum and not expect you to do it, despite only being five mins from your work. Obviously now and again is fine to help out but they shouldn't expect you to do it. It should be something they sort out between them.

With the things going back to mum - personally I think it's normal. It's happened here too. And even though sometimes I'm a bit peeved about things going back I just push it aside. It's one of those things you need to pick your battles about. Equally, they've come to us and relayed some things about what goes on and has been said while they've been at mum's.

FeelTheNoise Wed 22-Jul-15 17:45:41

All of your experiences and worries are exactly why I refused point blank to provide any kind of child are for DSD for a while. I wasn't allowed to be in charge, and she's incredibly manipulative, so until these issues were ironed out, they (DP, his parents and DSD) would have to sort it out between them. I was having to deal with DSD challenging me, shouting in my face, then if I said anything in response, I would upset DP angry

Now that I am able to help manage DSDs behaviour in my own home, strangely enough her behaviour has significantly improved wink

I'm a full time step parent btw, and yes, I also hate being a step parent. Worst decision of my life

HoneyLemon Wed 22-Jul-15 18:42:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Wed 22-Jul-15 19:46:40

Thanks everyone. I'm glad it's not just me.

To be honest the kids behaviour has changed a lot since the last big blow out between their mum and dad. But we have banned computers and phones for a while. So itmeans the kids have to communicate.

DP did make me feel bad though because apparantly I make him feel like he owes me and he feels guilty for having to ask me to do it.

I dunno it just annoys me. I get so frustrated. I need to relax and not get wound up so easy. Xx

HoneyLemon Wed 22-Jul-15 19:56:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoneyLemon Wed 22-Jul-15 19:56:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hampsterdam Wed 22-Jul-15 19:58:57

He doesn't have to ask you to do it. They could pull their fingers out and sort out their own kids.

BlueBlueSea Wed 22-Jul-15 22:43:07

You are not being petty or unreasonable.

There is no reason for you to be involved in the pick up and drop offs of the kids That is upto your DP and his ex. Especially if the kids are difficult and the ex questions your behaviour and what you say to the kids. Tell them to arange it between them.

My DH and I do not expect the other to do each others pick ups or drop offs. Very occasionally I would when they were at primary school, but I have not done anything like that for a couple of years now.

I also lost it when DSS went back to bed whilst I was left to get the kids out for school and myself to work. I was on the verge of missing my train. He reported what I said to his mum, that also resulted in me not having him on my own in the mornings.

Kkaty Wed 22-Jul-15 23:28:11

OP and Melon that sounds so annoying for you! What a hassle, having everyone else's dramas of pick ups/drop offs affecting you, as if life isn't complicated enough being a SP!

I'd let the 'stuff going back to Mum' go though - I just put a bored face on if I get the 'mum said that is hypocritical of you' (actually got that one)!

Kkaty Wed 22-Jul-15 23:31:29

FeeltheNoise - wow that is a pretty hard situation for you by the sounds of it! At least you put your foot down - but a full time SP to a challenging kid - fair play to you.

Wdigin2this Sat 01-Aug-15 00:48:23

You are so far from being unreasonable it's a joke! His DC and their practical/travel needs, are his and his EW's responsibility, the fact that you've been decent enough to 'help out' occasionally should not be seen as a green light to turn your efforts into an entitlement! Your life is your own, and you shouldn't have to give them reasons/excuses as to why you can't do lifts/pick ups...whatever! Just say, I have made other arrangements/I'm busy on that night/I'm going out and need to get ready...whatever fits your lifestyle! There have been occasions concerning my (grown) DSC, where I'm TOLD, I need to be at so&so place, or go to an event, or spend time with people....all of which it's quite likely I don't want to do! So now I've distanced myself from all or anything I possibly can....of course there always some I can't get out of, but not many these days!

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