Chat to DSD on holiday or let it go?

[Kkaty]

Hi, I have my 3 DSDs, my OH and our son on 'holiday' with my family next week. It was my suggestion as DSDs have been quite distant recently - thought it might pull people together.

However, oldest DSD has refused to come to house for a few months (wnet to live with her mother) when I am there after she was rude to me and I pulled her up on it. She wants to come to visit with my family but it will be the first time. She wants to 'brush it under the carpet' I think - says we are just different people. Yet the incident which caused her to leave in the first place is still totally unresolved (She resented me asking her to do anything and refused to say hello to me and my son).

Do I just leave it? Or have a quiet word just so we acknowledge there is unfinished issues?

I'm worried if I ignore it she will start coming around again and being exactly the same. But I don't want a big scene on holiday!

[LavenderLeigh]

How old is she?

[SurlyCue]

I would want to speak to her to resolve it before the holiday tbh. I agree there is a risk she will just gloss over it and start being rude again.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

I would expect my OH in this instance to be saying to DSD "mind your manners at ours" and be the one pulling her up on ignoring you and DS. He should also be supporting ypu when you ask her to do stuff (as long as it is her fair share of the stuff/age appropriate/not over and above what you would ask your own kids to do).

[Kkaty]

She's 18 Lavender...

Thanks for posts. The trouble is my OH is loath to bring it up, and just agrees with her that it is a 'personality thing' rather than a particular resentment of me and son. He'll ask her to be polite but then doesn't notice if she isn't.

It also happened a few months ago now, and to my mind it has been very rude to avoid me until now. Slight hope that she wanted to come on holiday but we'll see!

[Husbanddoestheironing]

I agree with think ivebeenhacked IME it's best for the 'natural' parent to be discussing this sort of thing. It works better and helps avoid resentment. He can explain it upsets him seeing you & your joint son be treated that way too, so it's more likely to be effective. On the positive side she should become more 'human' in the next few years. Have a good holiday!

[SurlyCue]

Yes i think it is good for the parent to point out rude behaviour and back up the point that it isnt acceptable, however if someone is rude to me then it is personal and I am the person who is owed the apology and who needs to resolve without having to go to a go between each time there is an issue, especially with an 18 year old. I expect my DC to deal with anyone the behave badly too and would not act as a "good guy" or go between. If they are rude (to my mother for example) then she gets to pull them on it and I back her up. They get to see that they dont get to hide behind mummy when theyve behaved badly in order to avoid an uncomfortable conversation with someone else.

[SurlyCue]

I will add that i could be said to hold quite higher standards than some on MN when it comes to how i expect to be treated by others, and especially in my own home. I do get that others are happier to let things slide that i wouldnt.

[Husbanddoestheironing]

I don't think anyone's suggesting that you allow people to be rude to you without dealing with it, or that you need a 'go between'. Just sharing experiences that have worked for me incase they are helpful. If not then feel free to ignore.

[SurlyCue]

No of course, i get that, i just dislike the idea that the OP shouldnt be able to speak to someone who was rude to her but rather defer to her husband. I know step families create an added layer of complications, however i do think it is fine in this case for OP to address it herself, especially given DSD's age. I'm coming from this as a parent of children who have a step mum and i would expect her to feel able to tell my DC that she found their behaviour rude without having to "go to" my exp first and asking him to have a word. I also recognise that not everyone would be comfortable with this though.

[Husbanddoestheironing]

Absolutely, and I'm not saying I wouldn't have raised it at the time. It's just if it doesn't get taken on board, once things escalate, then i found it helpful to have the natural parent do the great long discussion thing. And they can make them apologise to you too. Something to look forward to in the back of your mind is that there's a good chance that one day your DSD will be faced with a similar position herself, and you can be all listening and sympathetic

[SurlyCue]

good point!

[yellowdaisies]

I would start off with a plan A of just being friendly though authoritative and hope that you can put the past behind you. If there's obviously still tensions, then try speaking to her to clear the air.

Generally though I've found my DH is best paced to judge how to handle his DC.

[Kkaty]

Thanks SurlyCue and Husban... and others.

Last year I told my OH about DSDs rude behaviour - got him to talk to her as the natural parent... huge change in behaviour to me and son which was GREAT. A few months in... reverted back and OH did not notice. I finally said to her myself that she needed to say Hello and she went straight to OH complaining.

OH seemed to dither and I thought this is behaviour direct to ME so I must tackle it - asked her not to go to OH and asked her to talk to me - she couldn't see any problem and then left half way through conversation. OH had a big go at me even though he didn't know what went on really - felt completely unsupported and DSD left the next day to her mums and has avoided me since!!!

I'm worried if I do have a word with her my OH will be right down on her side again and I don't want to miss out on having a nice time with my family. But the undercurrants are there and that is not nice either.

[Savethesm]

An 18 year old woman won't speak to you or your child in your own home, doesn't so much as visit for months, and you're taking her on holiday with your family? And your husband hasn't even asked this person to apologise.

Wow, you're a more tolerant person than me.

[Bakeoffcake]

What exactly does she do/say? You say she doesn't say hello, well that does sound annoying but it's not exactly earth shattering. She sounds quite immature for an 18 year old.

[LavenderLeigh]

I think you've got some good advice from SurlyCue and hesterton.

And you do sound lovely and tolerant!

Regardless of whether it not she is immature, at 19 she's presumably in further education or working, so meeting/dealing with new people. Having basic manners is essential!

Maybe explain to your OH how uncomfortable her behaviour makes you feel!

[HormonalHeap]

I admire you for even wanting her on holiday! My ss, slightly older than yours, is also rude and disrespectful to me. No way I would go on holiday with another adult who ignores me. Why on earth should I??

I so understand that you feel unsupported by your dh. We have endless arguments because of this. When dh's children were little I expected them to take priority, but now they are adults I expect/demand to be fully supported.

Unfortunately dh has a big birthday coming up, and would like to take all our extended family on holiday to celebrate. This would also mean both his ss's who practically ignore me, along with their partners. Perhaps I'll just let them go and have a lovely time...wouldn't be a holiday for me

[Kkaty]

Thanks a lot everyone, really helps! My OH has his head in the sand and even said 'it's okay she's not cross with you' about coming on holiday - aaarghh!

I will see how the first day or so goes and see if I can have a quiet word. She's not overtly in your face rude - which makes it difficult for my OH to see. She does not cooperate with me about any house rules - and has a lot of resentment about me and anger generally about life in general.