This is a really difficult post to write. I feel super disloyal to my OH, but I keep mulling it over and could really use some advice. I have no-one in this position in RL. And my OH is my best friend - but for obvious reasons until I get this straight in my head, I can't talk about this.
We've been together a while now. He has 2 DC under 9, I have 2 that are much older (mid/late teens). OH is a fantastic guy, truly. I adore him, and it feels like he's the one I've been waiting all my life to meet. (sorry, appreciate that sounds a bit vomit-y). He feels the same about me, is really supportive of me, helps me in lots of ways. My life feels so much better, happier, easier, since I met him. He gets on ok with my DC but they are basically young adults - so his relationship with them is more of a pals/mates kind of thing than anything parental. They are often out with friends/ having friends round/ in their rooms on social media etc so we don't do much together as in my DC, me and OH, but that's not an issue, my DC don't really think it's cool at their age to be seen with their mum - we go out for meals every few weeks & they're happy with that.
So, our relationship is pretty serious, we see each other 3/4 nights a week. We were intending to move in together in the next 12 months, but I can't see that happening, nor do I think it would be fair until I feel happier about how we'd work as a blended family.
I should say first I have very little to do with children other than my own. None of my close friends have any children. So I'm not really used to dealing with them. His DC are totally different from mine (at that age) but that's probably due to different upbringing, but I do find it hard at times, and I think I need to understand if it's me, if I'm being unfair and therefore need to find some way of looking at it differently, or whether others would find some of their behaviours difficult too, and how you'd handle them.
I'm lucky in that they're not hostile to me, quite the opposite they are very affectionate (I'm not a naturally affectionate person other than to my DC so I do sometimes feel a bit awkward about this, but reciprocate their cuddles, let them sit on my lap, play with my hair). So that's not it. It's more like they're not very good at being told no - as I understand it their mum never refuses them anything. If you say no they get really upset very quickly. For example they'll ask for a drink/snack while we're maybe walking back from the park to their house. I'll say we'll be back in a few mins, you can have one then. But they'll keep asking, saying they have to have a drink NOW etc, they're thirsty/too hungry (and cry, or keep asking and asking) and we'll end up having to take a detour via the shop. Or if they ask at mine what's in a cupboard, I tell them then they're pulling the door and trying to open it, and if I refuse that creates upset.
They're really bad at losing games and if they don't win we get sulking and tears. If they do win (and if I finish last, for ex) the elder DC will say 'oh you're really rubbish at this game, look how much I beat you. You've done so badly'. To which I smile and say well, someone has to come last, it's only a game, but the 'Yes but look how bad you did, I've done so much better' continues for some time. Every time. My DC were never allowed to speak to adults like that, and still aren't now!
I also have to take turns to sit in the front seat of OH's car, or play a game to win a turn. Again, my DC never sat in the front if there was an adult there. One way round it is to go separately in my own car, but obviously once we live together I don't want to be taking two cars out every time! We've also never spent the night together whilst DC are with him because his DC sleep in his bed at least part of the night, and they'd get upset if they couldn't get into his room in the morning. But again if we can't get to that stage how are we ever going to be able to live together?
I do like them, I just find some of their behaviour quite difficult to handle, and I want to work this out now so I don't get resentful of them. I know written down it seems pretty trivial, and fully accept that my OH comes as a package. But I just find this harder than I expected. Any thoughts/advice??
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.
Step-parenting
Struggling a bit with his children, and how we move forward?
35 replies
shenandoah1 · 21/07/2015 13:03
OP posts:
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.