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white lies/fibs

(5 Posts)
Lullaby15 Sat 18-Jul-15 17:40:50

Me and my partner (who has a young child who lives with mum) have had a few 'issues' over the years when SC has told mum 'things' after spending time with us, things that aren't true or have been blown out of proportion. I've begun to notice with SC that they can become very melodramatic over little things (which I have always put down to being a little excited when in company of visitors etc, kids can tend to try show off a little bit) but just recently I've witnessed a 'change' in SC when with us and when with mum, for example when we have had a fun busy day with SC yet upon taking SC home, in front of us, to mum have put head down and dragged their heels into the house and made out they have been tired and unwell all day but being in front of TV all day had taken their mind off it so they did not see the point in saying anything to us - when clearly this has not been the case.

How concerned should I be that SC is doing this?

fedupbutfine Sat 18-Jul-15 18:09:10

divided sense of loyalty, probably. Not wanting mum to know they've enjoyed themselves. Mum may quiz them on the finer details which they don't like so they make out 'nothing happened' all day. Mum may be overly 'I miss you when you're not here' so they feel guilty. They may feel guilty anyway because moving between two parents is difficult.

I have no issue with my children's contact with their father and I enjoy the time away from them. I do miss them and will sometimes say that when they come home (but not always, and not in a big fuss kind of way) but I have a decent quality of life and they are aware of that - I tell them about what I've been up to, where I've been, who I've been with. I don't quiz about dad's house but I do if they did anything nice. They rarely say much - I don't know if that's because they don't do much or if they don't want to tell me or if they would prefer me not to know they've had a great time - they're quite sensitive, I think.

Assuming all is OK with mum generally for the children, I wouldn't personally think it was anything to be concerned about. Maybe you and your partner be very honest with yourselves about what you may/may not say about what goes on at mum's house but I suspect the problem will probably lie with mum, rather than you. That's not to say mum is a 'problem', just that for whatever reason, they prefer not to look like they've had too good a time with you!

BlueBlueSea Sat 18-Jul-15 22:22:11

We have this, I think that the DSC get 'rewarded' by saying how awful things are here with attention from their mum, that is what she wants to hear.

We all went on holiday a couple of years ago, I paid for it, they had a great time. When we got home within 5 mins they were on the phone to their mum. DSS did not know I was in the front room, he stood in the hall saying what an awful time he had on holiday, slagging off my DD and I, being really nasty. I came out and told him that he was being horrid saying those things, and that was the last time he was comming on holiday with us. We have not been on a holiday with all of us since. The advice is to ignore it, but there does come a stage when it does get a bit much.

ArmfulOfRoses Sat 18-Jul-15 23:11:29

We have had this but not in a way that DSS is saying stuff about us.
His mum used to often say how he was the only child that never wanted to play in mud or snow, and who played only with toys in his room which is great for her because she hates mud/snow/toys all over the front room.

Here however, once you have given verbal permission (every visit) he revels in those things.
But he does need that permission first.
He will come in, visibly stressed because his brother is dirty from making mud pies/rolling around the garden and I just reassure him that we have a shower and a washing machine and he is fine to do the same. You can see the release and off he goes.

lunar1 Sun 19-Jul-15 00:11:24

It can be hard to split yourself between two lives and behave how you think you should in different homes.

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