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(19 Posts)
proudmummywife Fri 17-Jul-15 12:31:00

My 4 year old sd is here for weekend she is known at home to use bad talk and give bad manners to her mum and granny. If I say to anything she doesn't like me I'm not her boss she only likes daddy and why does she have to stay here all the time with her daddy and half brother. Today we were having so much fun I was giving her one on one attention lots cuddles. I gave her her third drink in hour I said that's your last cos u will get sore belly next she says u not my mummy, my mummy let's me have as many as I want I only love my daddy not you and u never seen my baby I said I did and she squealed I didn't. Every weekend I'm getting this and I try my best. Been in her life from young baby. Finding her very difficult and its upsetting me. I'm best thing one minute next she hates me.

proudmummywife Fri 17-Jul-15 12:33:36

She is also very defiant won't do anything I say or ask. She worse when her dad not about.

Bellemere Fri 17-Jul-15 12:47:56

She's four, give her a break. She didn't ask for any of this. Just set your expectations each time she does it and move on.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Fri 17-Jul-15 12:54:03

I know she is only 4 but I would refuse to watch her alone. Your dp needs to be there to explain your role in the family dynamic and that brig cheeky isn't ok. She probably won't respond well to you 'disceplining' her.

I don't think it's easily understood by such a young child why you are there and not mum. If dp was there he can alleviate some of the tension there.

Also do you know what her mum is telling her? Is she repeating things she hears at mum's? Again not fully understanding because she is so young.
Also I'd try and not take it to personally because she is o my wee. Xx

CandyLane Fri 17-Jul-15 13:48:25

It is quite normal for 4 year olds to have tantrums, that's exactly what it is, a tantrum. They do tend to grow out of it.

At 4 their minds are focused on themselves and their basic needs. Anybody who gets in the way of them getting what they want is stupid/mean/horrible.
At around 5-6 they start to understand other people's needs and feelings more and they understand why they shouldn't do XY&Z.

My DS has done and said similar things to my DH (his step dad) over the years.
We've found that what really helps is for DH to stay calm and reassure him that he loves him and explains that the reason he's told him off or wouldn't let him do something is because he loves him and wants the best for him.

So when your DSD says "you're not my mum!" Try to just remain calm and say "I know I'm not and I'm not trying to be, but I still love you and care about you and i don't want you to get tummy ache/hurt yourself" etc

My DS is 6 and I think he's only just learning that when I tell him not to do something it's not because I'm being mean, it's because I love him.

FluffyBumOnTheRun Fri 17-Jul-15 14:51:33

See, now when people say "dsc didn't ask for any of this" I do agree to a certain extent, but the op has been there since she was a baby. I may be wrong but this is the norm for dsd to have the op around. I met my DH when my dsd was 2 1/2 (she was younger still when they split so doesn't remember mum and dad together) and never had this, she didn't know any different , she may be cheeky now and then but most kids are. Your dp needs to back you up and support you

proudmummywife Fri 17-Jul-15 14:57:56

Been there since she was 5 weeks old. Dh an her mum don't know each other it was a one night thing. Her mum isn't coping Dh thinks she hinting at us taking her full time.

LittleLionMansMummy Fri 17-Jul-15 14:59:35

Your sd's behaviour may have nothing at all to do with your family dynamics. I say this as the mum of a 4yo who, at various times of the day, tells us he doesn't like us, we're not his friends etc (the person he directs it at changes depending on who is telling him 'no' at the time). 4 year olds are busy asserting themselves and can be downright stroppy and difficult to deal with. However if he's cheeky and rude to dh i tell him and vice versa. Don't take it personally but do ask your dh to be firm about what is and isn't acceptable

Bellebella Fri 17-Jul-15 15:01:59

It may be normal behaviour from a 4 year old. Just keep disciplining her and reaffirm that she should not be cheeky. Her mum probably gets it a lot too.

How often do you have her?

LittleLionMansMummy Fri 17-Jul-15 15:03:11

Should have said it's also common for 4 year olds to fixate on the parent of the opposite sex and show a preference for them at the expense of other adults!

proudmummywife Fri 17-Jul-15 15:09:52

We have her quite a bit three nights sometimes four nights depending on Dh and my work. It is so strange because it's me she latches onto when here and me she cries for I had to stop leaving her home last year as she screamed clinging to me not wanting to go home. Since I had our ds she has changed so jealous and telling me I don't love her. She has turned it that she doesn't love me only her dad or mum if I say no to anything. I'm far too sensitive I know.

swingofthings Sat 18-Jul-15 08:43:48

Don't let a 4 year old upset you. She is still so little. It is normal at 4 to start questioning family, alliances etc... She is confused and trying to do the right thing by being faithful to her parents. You are a grown up, so should rise above it.

Continue to discipline her appropriately (although her father should be the main one taking on that role and you only intervening when he isn't around), reminding her that you are not her mum but that you are an adult and therefore you make the decisions not her, and continue to show her your attention and care. Just one thing, does she get to spend one to one time with her dad too? If not, or not enough, that might also be a trigger for her attitude.

swingofthings Sat 18-Jul-15 08:45:35

By the way, kids do tend to be more challenging with the parent they feel closest to. My DS is a complete angel to his teachers, dad, step-mum, but when he is frustrated and difficult, it is always directed at me! He did say a few times that it was because he knew that whatever he said/did, I would always love him so felt safer!

BlueBlueSea Sat 18-Jul-15 10:58:16

She is only 4, why are you arguing with her. Don't take what she says personally.

The conversation you describe sounds like a normal 4 year old not getting their own way, she just says what has worked at upsetting you before.

When this happens again, smile say 'yes, I know I am not your Mum, but I care about you and when I say no more drinks, it means no more' Don't get involved in arguing.

Try not to be so sensitive, you have a long road ahead, this is nothing compared to teens, you will need a thicker skin then!

HoneyLemon Sat 18-Jul-15 13:59:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

proudmummywife Sat 18-Jul-15 15:12:19

That's the thing it's me she wants not her dad and cries for me at her mum's. She sticks to me like glue then when I say no to anything she acts out I usually let her dad discipline. She is very jealous of my two children jumps on top of me if she sees my two coming near me. She doesn't get it easy at home her mum doesn't cope she has a drink problem and wets herself at home all time and calls her mum a 'dick' we don't hear this talk. Her dad reckon she jealous I'm boys mum and not hers and that's why she throws mum at me all time. I've been there from day one so I don't kno why she doing this now. I had her full time last year I was on maternity for 6 months as mum couldn't cope.

BlueBlueSea Sat 18-Jul-15 16:18:06

She is very little and has had a fair bit of disruption so far. She probably loved being with you for 6 months, then has gone back to her mother and sees you with the boys and is jealous. It is natural for siblings to be jealous of babies and younger siblings especially in her situation.

For you my suggestion would be to give her attention and make her as much of your family as possible. I think that you and your DH both need to discipline her, not that a 4 year old needs much, just let her know what is accepable in your house.

Was she easier when she was with you full time?

proudmummywife Sun 19-Jul-15 11:58:15

Yes she was a wee Angel when we had her she cried her eyes out when I left for work this morning so that made me feel better ( not that I like her upset) just reassures me.

Lullaby15 Sun 02-Aug-15 19:24:42

reassure her that no you're not her mum nor trying to be her mum but you have a responsibility to care for her and you love her very much. Stick to your guns, it will be tough but she will come around as she grows up a bit more. Like folk above have said she is 4yo and it must be confusing as to where all these people fit in her life and experiencing new feelings like jealousy and trying to understand how to deal with it. It is easy to take things to heart and be upset by it all. Talk with partner and maybe with mum about it??

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