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CM - Should I be paying it if DP can't?

(78 Posts)
looperstar Thu 16-Jul-15 13:35:16

DP unexpectedly in between contracts atm, has'nt earned for a couple of months, has told CSA and they have judged no payments until he's back in work as he can't claim benefits. It shouldn't be long before he gets another contract, but in the meantime SS's mum wants 'us' to continue to make the normal payments to her, which in reality means me as DP has no money coming in and we keep separate finances. She keeps saying we owe her back payments even though the CSA have told her he cant opay atm.
I could probably give her some money if we cut even more corners than we are already with just my pay coming in, but I don't feel it's my responsibility to do so and neither does DP. One of my friends thinks IABVU and I should pay it on DP's behalf so that SS doesn't suffer whuile his dad isn't paying. What have others done in this situation?

19lottie82 Thu 16-Jul-15 13:54:02

From the sounds of it, you're already skint, so no, i wouldn't pay it.

If you had laods of cash to splash about then fair enough, but you don't.

You need to make it clear that you CAN'T afford to pay here, and there won't be any back dated payments either, as you CAN'T afford it.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Thu 16-Jul-15 13:59:42

If this happens to me and dp I would probably pay maintenance but not to the ex. I'd get dp to tell her it's not my responsibility to financially aid the kids when he is out of work but that I would keep money for essentials when they are here. S. Instead of giving her the money put it in a jar here and keep it for the kids. That way there is money if it is really necessary. ie if kids needs new shoes or coats etc.

PosterEh Thu 16-Jul-15 14:03:50

Is your income the reason he can't claim benefits that would enable him to pay maintenance?

HerRoyalNotness Thu 16-Jul-15 14:14:52

No I wouldn't. If thy were still together, they'd have less to live on while he was out of work in the same way.

Even if he was on benefits now, it would be 7quid a week, I believe. You could set that aside as a pp suggested for any necessities while he is out of work, if you can manage to.

HoneyLemon Thu 16-Jul-15 14:29:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FluffyBumOnTheRun Thu 16-Jul-15 14:41:42

No, the dsc are not your responsibility.

FluffyBumOnTheRun Thu 16-Jul-15 14:46:02

And I wouldn't pay back pay either, CM doesn't work like that, it's not like you could afford it but just didn't pay. It's what HE can afford, not you.

PosterEh Thu 16-Jul-15 14:47:15

If they were living as a family (and it was not possible for your DP to avoid financially supporting his children) he might make different choices though. He might chose to work in an industry with more stability or take a permenant role over contracting or go into a less desirable role to just get some money in. If the OP can support them both on one salary it changes his incentives to work. It still doesn't make it your responsibility but I don't think it is so clear cut.

hampsterdam Thu 16-Jul-15 16:09:24

I wouldn't.

Petal02 Thu 16-Jul-15 16:15:56

If they were living together as a family, he may make different choices

But they're NOT together, are they? There's no point hypothesising about what may happen under different circumstances. And you may suggest it's not clear cut, but I disagree. The OP is not responsible for paying anything to his ex - that's VERY clear cut.

If DH had ever been out of work, then I wouldn't have paid anything to his ex, however ..... I would have been happy to, for example, buy DSS news shoes etc if he needed them.

looperstar Thu 16-Jul-15 16:50:40

hello ...thanks for the thoughts! to answer a couple of questions:

no, it's not my income that prevents him getting benefits. we've been told he can't claim because of the circumstances of his contracts, and given that he's not expecting to be out of work too long, and the process for claiming, having to go for interviews for jobs he's not remotely interested in etc, it doesn't actyually seem worth trying to challenge it

and when he and exW were together, he did the same sort of job and she had no problems with him having gaps in employment as it meant he was doing jobs around her house while he was off, it's now she has the issue as he is doing jobs at mine!

ChipsOnChips Thu 16-Jul-15 16:57:47

Since your DH being between contracts is not unusual then why has he not put money aside for this eventuality?

It seems more than a bit shitty for him not to do so knowing that you would keep him but that his DC would have to go without

looperstar Thu 16-Jul-15 17:02:54

he does usually chips, but this one ended earlier than he expected, hence the use of the word 'unexpected' in my OP.

Foreverconfused Thu 16-Jul-15 17:07:51

Partner used to have a job where he'd go some week without work due to bad weather ,no orders etc. ... (not often though ). It wasn't my responsibility to pay his maintenance and the way we saw it was if he lived with them and the ex he still wouldn't have any money to contribute. Instead he would pay slightly extra every week to counteract the times he wasnt working.
Saying that , if it had been a few weeks consecutively then I would pay it the odd week, but his ex never expected it.

JakieOH Thu 16-Jul-15 17:12:11

Do you know what the exws circumstances are? I know people often say it makes no difference and it's not your business but if your considering giving her YOUR money then I'd say it is your business. If she is on the bones of her arse skint, can't pay bills, buy food, buy clothes for DSC then, morally if you can afford it, perhsps you should help out. On the other hand if you think she can manage fine then I wouldn't bother, it's definatly not something you should feel you have to do, especially since she's demanded it ... What a cheek!

I helped out when my DP couldn't pay maintenence, I knew she wasn't struggling but thought it was the right thing to do. Turns out she wasn't in the slightest bit thankful or appreciative of it, infact she tried to get more shock so I certainly wouldn't do it again should the situation arrise. Guess it's entirely up to you, but if you don't you're Not BU.

ChipsOnChips Thu 16-Jul-15 17:14:19

Unexpected or not does he have nothing put aside?

Can't he borrow money off you to ensure that the DC aren't going without?

Regardless of whether he legally has to pay, their need is no less and he has a moral obligation to support his DC. I just cannot imagine as a parent not doing everything I could to ensure that my DC were not going without.

I suppose my position is ultimately no of course you don't have to pay but I find something very unpleasant in the fact that your DH encourages you to have that view rather than asks you if you wouldn't mind helping his DC and he repays you

alwaystryingtobeafriend Thu 16-Jul-15 17:20:29

Might point out that apparantly it's not about maintenance it's thatyour dp gets to spend time with his child. Point that out to ex I'm sure she would be chuffed. Or is it only ok for mum's todoge paying maintenance. (Sorry it's a bit of rant from me regarding another post)

Sure dp could have set aside money but hindsights wonderful.

Like I said before- if possible try to keep some aside for essentials but I wouldn't give a penny to mum.

MyOneandYoni Thu 16-Jul-15 17:23:58

Do what the hell you like... but there is a child missing out (once again)...

ChipsOnChips Thu 16-Jul-15 17:26:51

always if you're in any job but especially if you're a contractor it doesn't take much in the way of hindsight to put money aside for those periods you don't work.

but why would he when he'll be supported by the OP, it's only his DC after all

alwaystryingtobeafriend Thu 16-Jul-15 17:31:21

His dc his responsibility not his new partners. If he didn't put aside then that's his own fault. Maybe he should have. But I'm not really hhere to judge him for it. Clearly he hasn't done this and op is now in this situation.

HoneyLemon Thu 16-Jul-15 17:34:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sugardumplings Thu 16-Jul-15 17:34:12

Your DP might be able to get contributions based JSA depending on his NI contributions. Your income won't affect his claim.

Chewbecca Thu 16-Jul-15 17:39:50

Firstly it is not your responsibility to pay it.

However, I would be loathe to see my DP's child being seriously disadvantaged by these circumstances. I mean having the electricity cut off, that sort of thing. What are the mother's circumstances like?

Can you lend him the money to pay, if not all the maintenance but as much as possible, for him to pay back when he's next in work?

I do think he should be putting money aside all the time for periods when he has no contract so it ending early wouldn't make any difference, he shouldn't just be saving at the end of the contract?

FluffyBumOnTheRun Thu 16-Jul-15 17:40:15

MyOne, there are lots of the children the world over going without, what do us SM's do about them?

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