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Ex - boundaries - rant

(12 Posts)
MsColouring Thu 09-Jul-15 20:44:49

My dp's ex has massive issues with boundaries. Dp ended up removing her as a friend on fb as she would comment on anything he posted or was tagged in - even if I had posted it. They have an amicable working relationship but that is it but it always felt like she was trying to give the impression they were still friends. When he de-friended her from fb she then started commenting on all his friends posts e.g. commenting on dp's best friends's girlfriends posts about having taken dp to the same place for a birthday and she is always commenting on his family's posts even though she doesn't actually get on with any of them.

She texts constantly when we have dss and tries to tell us how to parent and that has at times that has included telling dp that we should put my dd to bed earlier. She always expects to be told what dp is doing even if it doesn't affect dss. Last weekend (I have posted about this before - sorry) she organised a haircut for dss on dd's birthday and had a strop when dp wouldn't take him.

So the icing on the cake - this week dp's aunt died of cancer. She phoned dp the next day asking why he hadn't phoned her about it and took it upon herself to tell dss even though dp said he would do it. And then dp found out that she had messaged one of his uncles to ask him to keep an eye on dp at the funeral next week.

This isn't normal behaviour right?

Oh and she has a dp and a baby.

K888 Thu 09-Jul-15 20:52:20

It shouldn't be normal! But amazing reading these boards how common it is.

Does your DP realise this is too frequent? He obviously does to some extent. I think this kind of thing is crazy - to be honest I think it is rare that there are any Ex and DP friendships that I'd consider healthy - it all seems to be a dependency carried on with no boundaries. Messy! Annoying!

As I've said before my DPs Ex used to have a key to our house!! It can change in my experience but it takes soooo long... sigh!

MsColouring Thu 09-Jul-15 20:57:18

Surprised she hasn't asked for a key actually. She does let herself in without knocking!

Melonfool Thu 09-Jul-15 22:01:18

It's not normal but I doubt you can stop it.

Ignore it as much as you can. Don't reply to anything, don't answer the phone if you don't need to, even the landline if you don't know who is calling, ask friends and family to remove her from their facebook 'friends', and you and dp block her on fb anyway then she will see less.

dp's ex-w doesn't do this, but he had an 'in between' woman who did this for the first couple of years of our relationship and in the end I had to tell dp to drop her completely, which he has done (well, she tries every now and then to get in touch somehow and he does sometimes reply, but I don't care any more because it's not intrusive). You can't do that with the dm of the dsc but you need to minimise contact as much as possible.

And make sure dp isn't enabling it. My dp was trustingly 'liking' comments and photos she tagged him in (he wasn't even in the bloody photos), texting her back, talking to her for hours on end. I doubt your dp is doing that but even the odd 'like' will be making her feel valued.

My dp sister was also in touch with his ex-w, so he had to ask her to cut contact. The sis was getting stories from the ex that weren't true and then phoning dp and having a go at him (this was before me) and then they went on holiday together. Dp read her the riot act and it's all stopped and sis is much more supportive as a result. (they don't live close or anything, several hours drive away, so it's not like they were mates or needed to be in touch).

Politely ask friends and family not to discuss anything with her and just to refer her back to dp if she speaks about him of the dsc.

Quesera21 Fri 10-Jul-15 08:50:42

Whilst boundaries have to be set, some of the expectations on here are unrealistic.

( would be nice if my EX realised this - phones morning noon and night, knows if I go into work late, what we have for supper, if I go out for the night, work on a different day to normal etc etc - it is controlling)

However, asking friends and family to stop contact, remove from facebook if you do it etc etc - sorry you do not have that right.

I was married for 16yrs and knew his family for 2 before that. I have grown up with them. I have friendships with some of his family,outside of his. I have been lucky that my in laws and his relatives have been hugely supportive of the DCS and I. I have a v small family, 1 sibling and no parents left alive - he on the other hand has sibs, cousins and both parents. The DCS get to see his family regularly facilitated by me - because lets be honest he has not seen his family much now for 3 yrs, she refuses to have his parents in their new home etc.

My Ex asked his family to stop speaking to me as I was "blocking" her having a relationship with them. They all replied independently that he could choose his partner and they would be happy to meet her and start a family relationship but she had to facilitate that aswell - ie, open her mouth and speak and not bitch about them afterwards.
However, he did not get to dictate who they were friends with, who they had in their house, went for a drink with etc and after 18 yrs we had relationships that were not his to dictate.
Have to say we actively choose not to discuss him when we do meet and on the one occasion he said he would turn up with her to a family function - I did not go, but he turned up with her and her DCs, not his own, the family were upset- the whole scenario is so depressing.
His family never see him, they phone regularly and invite him to family stuff and he occasionally answers them.

Whilst I accept some EXs on both sides over step the boundaries, it reflects the insecurities of all parties - EXs and new DPs.

Melonfool Fri 10-Jul-15 09:41:21

"However, asking friends and family to stop contact, remove from facebook if you do it etc etc - sorry you do not have that right."

Never suggested it was a 'right' - of course you can ask. I would expect people to decide for themselves if they actually did it, and for the people asking to apply a bit of common sense to their situations.

"he did not get to dictate who they were friends with, who they had in their house, went for a drink with etc "

Of course.

It's funny, isn't it - how a suggestion of "asking" someone to do something has now been turned into me suggestion it is "a right" and that people should "dictate".

Think that's called a strawman argument.

Quesera21 Fri 10-Jul-15 10:05:38

It puts friends and relatives in a very awkward position. There is no halfway - you are asking for a black and white response, so yes you are trying to dictate to your family and friends. they can choose but then you feel peed off that they did not do as you asked.

Some of our mutual friends rarely speak to me and acknowledge me in public, yet still send cards and e mails. I feel sorry for them, they were put in a v difficult position by the dickhead EX.

Sure go ahead and ask - but consider how you would feel if you were asked then same on an 18 yr friendship with one of your friends, because someone else had had a falling out?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 10-Jul-15 10:09:20

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Eventually she will go away.

She is getting to you.

Another alternative is to tell her current dp what she is up to.

MsColouring Fri 10-Jul-15 17:05:00

Quesera I am a bit perplexed by your response - never did I suggest she shouldn't be friends with any of his friends or family - that is their choice. What bugs me is her commenting on posts making comments about my dp as if they were still together. And she isn't in 'proper contact' with any of his friends or family - only Facebook.

K888 Fri 10-Jul-15 20:00:02

I suppose Quesera is saying that for some people - those bonds through their Ex - the in laws and friends - are not easy for some people to let go of, and they may not want to.

I do think as an Ex we need to give a 'relatively clear path' for our Ex DP to get on with his life. I've felt there is a lot of psychological 'territorial' behaviour. That doesn't mean stopping all contact - just being considerate.

I have bonds with my Exes family - I go to see his Mum with her grandson sometimes but I never go to family occassions - because that is for my Ex and his new partner - even if they don't go.

Could you pick the most important things to you OP and get off FB yourself for a while? That can be a minefield. Just to give yourself a break - because it can be poisonous that feeling of an Ex constantly in your face.

Quesera21 Fri 10-Jul-15 20:31:33

Exactly K888 - although giving my Ex a clear path to get on with his life, has had massive consequences of neglect for the DCs.

I am v good friends with one of his cousins. We clicked, same age, interests, DCs the same age - we used to go away for a weekend together pre DCs, play tennis, socialise, phone and bitch our respective problems - she has been a rock in the past three years. I would hate to lose that friendship and so would she.

dictate - were the words his family used, I knew nothing about it for months and then it slowly came out that he asked and been told - he could not tell them who to be friends with.

Mygardenistoobig Tue 14-Jul-15 22:03:58

This would drive me insane.

Stop answering texts, don't go on fb and generally keep your business private.

I do think it is very hard to find the correct balance in these situations.
It often ends up like your situation or the total opposite.

My partners dd2 often oversteps the mark asking her dad to do this that and the other for his ex wife.

I try and be diplomatic but gave had to tell him to have a word with his dd.
They have been divorced for years, his ex has had many different partners since the divorce( 2 living with her). His dd is a mother herself but yet she still acts as if they are one big happy family, even expecting my partner to do diy in his ex wife's house!

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