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I gave up and am running for the hills...

(26 Posts)
lizabeth0607 Wed 08-Jul-15 09:24:56

Wow, who knew that being in a relationship with a man with children could be so... so... SHIT.

Excuse my language, I don't usually swear (honestly). So my DP has 3 children, 6, 7 and 10 and I have a DD aged 3. Around 6 months ago my DP moved into my home and on weekends his three children stayed also.

So I know their life at home with mom is not one I would consider to be great, they each have particular issues such as wetting themselves etc and are often sent dirty, with scruffy clothes and hungry!

So me being me made a real effort, I fed them foods I knew they liked, washed and ironed their scruffy clothes, brought them new ones, planned activities, took them swimming, cinema, park, to meet friends etc.

And then every Sunday they would go home and the following week their Mom would express how much their children didn't like me and that they should be spending time with Dad- no one else. She also called my DD a spoilt brat and said her children feel she is more important and always gets first choice and her own way!!!

The children expressed none of this whilst here, and their actions didn't show their hatred of me and my daughter either, they always seemed really happy.

I have had enough and after hearing it all again on my birthday I gave up, after my birthday party, I told him I wanted him to move out and take his children with him.

Was I unreasonable?

crispycookie Wed 08-Jul-15 09:33:17

Hi lizabeth, stay strong. Is your DH making any effort to defend you to his ex and looking after his children when they are at yours? If not, then yes, he should go... I just had my ex move out. I had my two and he had his but he was such a Disney dad to his while being really harsh on my two. I put my DCs first and told him to go and the relief when he finally went! I will not have a relationship again with a man with children and if that means I stay alone, so be it. Life is easier with just us. It's hard when children are involved but it's all for the better long term. And this was with two very cooperative exes!

hampsterdam Wed 08-Jul-15 09:37:39

Did she say all of this to you or to him? If to him why is he then telling you? Tell him you don't want to hear it. He should be telling her what happens in your home is your business it's not for her to dictate how he parents or who kids spend time with.
Not unreasonable to leave a relationship that doesn't make you happy, put you and dd first.

hampsterdam Wed 08-Jul-15 09:39:27

Also stop doing their washing and ironing vooling and organising. Why can their father not do all that?

crossroads15 Wed 08-Jul-15 09:42:36

YANBU. Plenty of the women on here admit to wishing they'd run for the hills...

You can't control the ex or her behaviour, some will be forever embittered.

What is your DP doing to stick up for you? That IS relevant.

NickiFury Wed 08-Jul-15 09:54:10

I would be long gone. I applaud you for sticking around as long as you have.

How do you hear about all this? Does she say it to you or to him?

lizabeth0607 Wed 08-Jul-15 10:50:48

She will say it to him, he then tells me.

He is by no means a perfect Dad, he will happily let them play their iPads all weekend whilst he lounges about on the ps4 as he is "tired from work", he is also quite strict with them, I gave him the benefit of the doubt tho as he does work hard all week and thought I'd be nice and get on with my weekend as usual, only difference was taking and involving his three children in my plans also.

When he told me about what they had said on my birthday, I told him I had given up and completely detached, I didn't really acknowledge any of them at my party and when we left he said I was unreasonable. This is when I said I wanted him to move out.

Im not sure what he says to her as he goes alone to pick them up, he says he sticks up for me, but i don't know how true this is.

I feel like I've been made to be the bad guy when I did more for those children than anyone else- including my DP. I felt truly sorry for them as they share their home with several other children and as I said previously don't have the childhood i would want for my own children, I wanted to make things better for them and it has well and truly backfired.

He moved out yesterday back to his moms and his children will be staying their on weekends too. I'm a bit worried about my daughter as she loves having them around. I just couldn't hack it anymore...

NickiFury Wed 08-Jul-15 11:20:28

I don't blame you. You sound like a great mother and step mother. It sounds like a massive toxic situation and as hard as it is you can't change it, all you can do is prevent your dd and yourself from being caught up in it. It's a real shame for the other children as well.

wheresthelight Wed 08-Jul-15 21:43:26

You are most definitely not unreasonable!! I have had very similar frank discussions with my dp recently. My dd is our dd which is the only reason I am still here. I love him dearly but he never stands up to his ex over stuff or defends me when she starts and it has come to a head.

You need to do what is best for your dd. good luck and well done

K888 Thu 09-Jul-15 00:50:54

I understand that you'd feel worn out and like giving up, but it sounds like much of this is the Ex and not the DSC or your DP?

You sound like you do want to give the DSCs a good experience, but 6 months in - in a way it sounds like a typical (still not excusable) reaction from an EX who probably feels threatened and possible inadequate - if you ARE doing a better job her kids may well feel a little pulled and may have even mentioned how nice it was at yours - provoking hostile feelings.

Couldn't you sit down with your DP and say that it hurts you that there is ANY discussion about you - really there is no need for DP or Ex to even be talking - a simple drop off at the door - he doesn't need to go in the house. Unless she has a serious safety worry there is no need to compare or comment.

Do you love your DP still? Have you started to bond or feel okay in a step mum role yourself (taking out Ex)?

FadedRed Thu 09-Jul-15 01:10:22

I would have concerns about a man who sees that his three children are badly dressed and hungry and does nothing about it. Who leaves you to see to them at the weekends because he is 'tired from work' - what a cop out! You sound lovely and caring Op, and it must be breaking your heart to see these children in this situation, knowing that for six months they could see that 'normal' life is so different to their current life, but you should try not to let that be a reason to continue in this relationship, unless this man starts to father the children he has.
I think you can do much better than him.

kickassangel Thu 09-Jul-15 01:55:20

I cannot think of one positive reason why he would pass on those comments unless he wanted to upset you and knock your confidence. Couldn't he have kept them to himself? Even on your birthday! I would say he was as much of a problem as the mum or children.

wannaBe Thu 09-Jul-15 09:37:31

I am going to go against the grain here and say that the one who is in the wrong is your dp.

These are children who are caught between their parents, one of whom it seems is finding it difficult that her ex has a new partner who is making the effort to get on with her children. Many ex's find that difficult, and some find it difficult not to project that on to their children, and as such their children feel that they have divided loyalties and have to justify their position to both parents.

It's not uncommon for children to play down the nice time they've had at the other parent's house because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But you need to remember that they are children, and to not speak to them on your birthday was IMO petty and unkind. You are the adult.

However, if the ex is feeding back to your dp that the children don't like you etc etc then he is out of order. And while if there are issues with how the children feel these need to be addressed so you can all live together harmoniously, there are ways of communicating this fact without being unkind iyswim.

What ultimately needs to happen is that your dp needs to have a conversation with his children about how they feel and whether there are things bothering them. It's been six months only, there are bound to be issues, it's unreasonable to expect children to slot into a household they didn't ask to be a part of without there being some teething problems. But your dp needs to talk to his children first, find out what the issues are, work together to resolve them if possible (and sometimes it might just be a case of feeling put out, or having to share with another child, being step siblings doesn't mean you will necessarily get on, and if there are different rules that can be difficult), but equally he needs to not keep tale-telling via his ex because that has no purpose other than to be hurtful.

lizabeth0607 Thu 09-Jul-15 09:48:00

His exwife cheated on him with the man she is still in a relationship with and has further children with.

I do love him, but I can't see a future as such, I can't see us ever blending as a family and he has recently made it clear he doesn't want any more children- I do. I get on really well with all three of his children and my DD does too, I just feel so unappreciated by all of them. Including DP- probably the most unappreciative of all.

All of the comments come the weekend after what I thought was a great weekend. It used to be after a photo was posted of all of the children in new clothes, happy on Facebook, so we stopped posting them. She has also stopped them coming on my family members birthdays, saying they're not important and they "barely know them"!! I think she is jealous, her children had never been swimming before, we took them all to a water park and when we dropped them home (all together) her face was like thunder!! Not happy at all that they'd had a great time...

lizabeth0607 Thu 09-Jul-15 09:57:04

Sorry wannaBe, cross posted.

He has spoken to them on multiple occasions and they will say nothing is wrong. The one week the exwife told DP that the children were upset that I do them lunch!?!? When he tried to speak to them about it, they said sometimes they have lunch before they leave- although they have never refused the food offered.

I did speak to them on my birthday, I just didn't get as involved as I normally would, if I'm honest I was hurt and didn't want to ruin my day that my mom had put so much effort in to.

We have been together for nearly 2 years, the living together just sort of happened. Also this is my home, fit for two not six. I tried my best to make them feel welcome and at home, but some things were not possible.

crispycookie Thu 09-Jul-15 11:14:37

lizabeth Your DD is only 3, if you want to take any comfort from this situation, she will be too young to remember much of this, if any. What is important for her now is to ensure moving forward, that you will be much wiser next time and not put up with any c* from anyone, especially from a DH. I recognise some of how you feel, my ex would have been happy to have his DD on her iPad all day while he plays with his and I hated that. I take my DCs out all the time for day trips and included him and his DD in it but he complained a lot about where we go, what we did etc. In the end, I detached myself from it all. Things are so much more calm and happier now it's back to the three of us and I won't be making that mistake in a hurry again...

VerityWaves Thu 09-Jul-15 18:53:00

Good for you
Wish I had
Although much easier when they grow up

Fedupofthisshit Sat 11-Jul-15 05:23:12

Gosh OP it sounds like a horrible situation for you! I was with someone who had a child, someone who could quite happily sit on his ps4 for several hours at the weekend when his DS was here, or worse - he'd say he's getting up with DS in the morning then when I get up 1 hr later he'd be snoozing on the settee as poor DS is left to entertain himself sad

I too felt like I loved Dp but knew deep down it could never work because of (amongst many other issues) the way he was with his DS and ex. He'd do anything for an easy life, including attempting to play off me and his ex so he'd look like the victim. OP as much as I felt like I loved my now ex-P and I do still love his DS dearly, I'm so glad I left. Sometimes love itself isn't enough. As others have said your DD is 3 and so will soon forget about your DP if you felt that leaving was the right thing for you Do not think about what you feel is right for your DSCs or even for your DP, I know it can be so hard but you have to think about what's best for you. Is the situation you're in now really what you want for the rest of your life?

Take care OP. You sound so lovely both as a mum and stepmum but your needs and wants and desires are important in all of this too.

BrilliantDayForTheRace Sat 11-Jul-15 05:39:23

It's your DP that's the problem. Not his ex.

Whatever is said between then should stay there. He has no need to repeat any of it to you. He is not being supportive of you.

You've done the right thing kicking him out. I think it's his children you miss more than him. But unfortunately you can't rescue them.

You can (hopefully) have more of your own with someone lovely.

Guinnessgirl1 Wed 15-Jul-15 18:11:24

sorry but I do have to agree with kickassangel here why does he feel the need to tell you everything she says when its not come directly from the children, they have no need to bring you into their pathetic little power games

happygirl87 Thu 16-Jul-15 16:29:11

No real answers but flowers wine cake It's so fucking hard!

lizabeth0607 Sun 19-Jul-15 21:13:31

I didn't leave him, we just agreed to live apart and for me to take a step back.

We planned to take all the children away for a night or two in the holidays, he rang her to check dates and she said no way- but if it was just him taking them then would be fine!!

This is so hard. How do I stay calm and sane!? sad

Penfold007 Sun 19-Jul-15 21:34:56

Your lazy ExDP is the problem, you, your DP and his DC deserve better. He has gone to his mother's, breathe a deep sigh of relief and move on wine

lizabeth0607 Mon 20-Jul-15 12:43:33

He said he didn't question her as he is "playing the game for now", I have no idea what he means by this.

What on earth is wrong with nice civil, pleasant behaviour between two parents for the sake of their children!?!?

I would never dream of treating my DDs Dad this way, she adores him and although at times I could have easier closer the door on him, he is her father ffs.


PeruvianFoodLover Mon 20-Jul-15 13:33:41

Why, why, why is your 'D'P involving you in this? He didn't need to tell you what his ex said - he's deliberately upsetting you by repeating her nasty, barbed comments.

He needs to "man up" and ignore his exW. Is he looking for her approval of his relationship with you? Why else does what she says about you matter to him?

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