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Is my partner emotionally abusing my son?

(117 Posts)
ElliesPhotography Sun 05-Jul-15 23:22:35

I would like to know your opinion on my situation regarding my son and my new partner. I'm not sure what exactly is going on.

Myself, my son (9), my partner and his 2 children (7,12) have been living as a blended family for 2.5 years now. My son stays with us all the time nonstop, my partner's sons always for half of every week. My partner was really good with my son at the beginning. He was showing him affection, taking him out, entertaining him, giving him love, praising and encouraging him. Over the time my son and his smaller son started bickering, it's always a competition between them, obviously jelaousy, his small son irritates my son a lot. My partner over-protects his children, they are never wrong, they can do what they want. He always blames my son. Over the time, he slowly started to pick on my son and there is always something my son does wrong, always something to talk about with him, always blaming him for bickering with the small one (even if the small one starts half of the time, I see that). He will tell off my son for no eating the dinner quickly, that he showers for too long, uses too much of shampoo, twists on the chair, every single possible nonsense. He tells him off for apparently talking too much, being hyper etc. His children do the same things but he never tells them off, they can talk over whole dinner and that is all right. He has long talks with him - he advises him in a polite manipulative way about how he should behave, that he needs to stop being egoistic and think about pleasing his step brothers, that his behaviour is not acceptable in this family, that he has given him far too many chances and if he does not start behaving he will have to move out to his proper father etc. When he gets into this mood he hardly shows him love, purposely ignores him, hugs his children before bed but not my son, does not say hello to him, looks away. My son struggles to cope. He does not even know how to be around the step-dad anymore, his self esteem goes, he has nightmares, always on edge. He sees he treats him differently and his children differently and they get away with anything, and he knows his small son does evil things to him but that is never seen. He is doing well at school, the teacher said he is nice, polite, caring boy that helps other children.

I am in a difficult position in the middle of them. My partner always blames me that I am being overprotective and defending my son, that he only does it with the good purpose from his heart to discipline him. He never shouts, hits, harasses my son, for me it seems like really well covered verbally emotional torture.

When my partner is angry with my son, he takes it on me too. He withholds his affection for few days, keeps distant purposely, there is no love till he decides to. But he is still the same nice loving dad to his children. It is truly draining. I have a build up of emotions, frustration and anger and when I speak to him, he blames me for not being able to speak calm without emotions like an adult (I swear I always watch what tone I speak to him, never shout, always try to stay as calm as I can). He blames my son that it will be his fault if this family splits and blames me that I am destroying our relationship with my emotional "firing off".

I am absolutely confused, I don't know who is crazy here, I feel my partner can't cope this situation and blames me and my son instead of blaming himself. I I visited the psychotherapist with my son couple of times, she wanted to meet my partner and his son, but my partner refused, that it is my son who has problem, and himself does not need to see any therapist. I am thinking of leaving my partner, for the sake of my son.

What do you think about this all? anybody with same experience?

scarletforya Sun 05-Jul-15 23:27:56

Ooh my God. He is absolutely emotionally abusing and bullying him. You can't stand by and let this happen. Your partner needs to leave. Break up. No way would I allow anyone to treat my child like that.

Your son will be terribly damaged by this and by the fact that you're going along with it. Please act to get rid of this man out of your lives.

Backforthis Sun 05-Jul-15 23:28:09

I think you need to leave the bastard.

Fairylea Sun 05-Jul-15 23:30:14

I would go with your gut instinct. It sounds very damaging towards your son. I'd leave to be honest if your partner is unwilling to see what he's doing.

What were the reasons for seeing the psychotherapist in the beginning? I'd be careful about letting your son see himself as the cause of the issue - from here it sounds like it's all your partner. The stuff he's picking on your son about is all very normal 9 year old stuff.

QueenWitch Sun 05-Jul-15 23:31:17

This is horrendous! Please please leave this abusive tosspot, your poor DS! sad You both deserve better than this OP.

caravanista13 Sun 05-Jul-15 23:31:35

His behaviour is appalling. Your son only has you to look out for him - for the sake of his emotional well being you need to put him first and end this relationship now.

butterflygirl15 Sun 05-Jul-15 23:34:10

he is abusing you both - you need to get away fast.

ElliesPhotography Sun 05-Jul-15 23:35:46

Fairylea he made me to visit psychotherapist to sort out my son's behaviour. So he does not bicker with his son. It's sad. He improved in that a lot though. The lady said his small buy needs to be put in place too, but that never happens. I want to wait 2.5 weeks till the school ends and go to my parents for whole summer and find a new flat after that. It's horrible when you really love someone but he treats your child like that.

elephantoverthehill Sun 05-Jul-15 23:35:51

This is a big one. You know it. Trust me it will only get worse. I did it. I threw the partner out and I am just regaining my relationship with DS1. He is 19 now.

Finallyonboard Sun 05-Jul-15 23:36:11

If you have to ask this question, you already know the answer.

Missdee2014 Sun 05-Jul-15 23:36:21

I've only read half of your post op and am immediately thinking 'why are you with this man?!'

BackInTheRealWorld Sun 05-Jul-15 23:37:27

Yes he fucking is. I am fucking horrified. He is threatening your son with sending him away to live with his dad. This is your boy, your fucking boy, this is happening to. How dare he. Please, hate this abusive bastard. He is damaging your child. Your sons home should be his safe space, not this.

AskBasil Sun 05-Jul-15 23:39:21

Yes. Of course he's emotionally abusing your son.

And you too.

Don't just get out for the sake of your son, but also for your own sake.

This man is bloody awful. LTB

ElliesPhotography Sun 05-Jul-15 23:39:41

Thanks girls for support and reassurance. I always try to come up with solutions and really fix the situation and have the heart open, but enough is enough. I will go on the first day of holiday. Any comments or experience are welcome please!

urbinosparrot Sun 05-Jul-15 23:43:01

This situation sounds intolerable for both you and, especially, your son. Your partner is going to destroy your son's sense of self-worth. This will only get worse with time as your DS reaches adolescence.

Your DP doesn't recognise that he is the problem, not your DS, and his behaviour sounds manipulative.

To be honest, I wouldn't stay with someone who treated my son like that.

You have one son, and will be his mother all your life. The only mother he will ever have. Do you want to continue to see him being treated as a second-class citizen? I think he deserves better, and so do you.

godeeva Sun 05-Jul-15 23:46:30

Your son is too young to take on a bully alone. You have to protect him - even if it means tearing your heart out. After all, if his mom won't look out for him who else will. Pack up, get out and stay away form your toxic partner. Once out, keep contact with toxic partner to bare minimum so that he does not take u on a guilt trip!

Footle Sun 05-Jul-15 23:50:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VerityWaves Sun 05-Jul-15 23:50:18

Yes he is abusing your son sad
Poor little boy please remove yourself and him from this awful man.
Don't look back.

butterfly133 Sun 05-Jul-15 23:54:02

This is appalling. You and your son need to not be around this guy.

pictish Sun 05-Jul-15 23:56:09

Omg what a prick! And yes an abusive one at that!
He's a manipulative worm isn't he...and he's bloody good at it too.

He blames my son that it will be his fault if this family splits and blames me that I am destroying our relationship with my emotional "firing off".

Horrible man. Please take your son away from his vile influence.

Mypubesarestraight Sun 05-Jul-15 23:57:30

This is so sad.
Eventually your dss will start to do things just so your dc gets the blame.
That happened to my brother. My stepdad blamed him for everything. He didn't speak to him once from the age of 13 until my mum left him when he was 27.
This has left my brother with zero confidence and he's on edge all the time thinking he's doing something wrong.

VeganCow Mon 06-Jul-15 00:00:38

And you are still living with this dick head why? Putting your son last why? You can stop this with immediate effect, why have you not?
How can you still love him? A man treating my kids like that would get no love from me, only disgust and removal from our lives.

ElliesPhotography Mon 06-Jul-15 00:02:08

Mypubesarestraight that's exactly what I want to avoid. I was still hoping he will realise what he is doing, but he won't. Poor your brother. Issues for whole life.

ElliesPhotography Mon 06-Jul-15 00:03:32

VeganCow you are right, I have just the "pleaser" personality:/ Never thinking of myself.

thehumanjam Mon 06-Jul-15 00:04:08

Leave him. Do it now. Your son deserves so much more.

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