Anyone had to say NO to living with a DSC? Feeling terrible!

[K888]

OH and I are having 'honest chats' about whether there is any hope of a reconciliation in our relationship. (he moved out a month ago).

He said today he would only consider getting back together if his 18 yr old DD came back to live with us for the next 5 years. And never have to go to visit her mums so I would never be able to ask for some time with OH.

I understand he'd feel like that but I cannot live with her anymore.. I do feel really pretty terrible! But I just can't do it. I tried for the last 5 years and she didn't cooperate with me on most things and bossed my son so I had to constantly intervene. I think that as an adult, the possibility for more conflict, competing with me to be an equal in the house would be too much. I also said to my OH that we have had almost no time with our 2 year old son to build us up, and that I had no reserves less for drama and tension elsewhere.

Has anyone else come to a point where they've had to say 'I'm sorry, I just cannot live with your son/daughter?'.

My OH does not understand as he feels that he lives fine with my other son (12) - there is no tension there. I tried to explain why it has got to this point. He says it is because I just can't be 'relaxed about things'. He says if he doesn't do this he will regret it and resent me forever. Yet if he does, our son will also lose out on living with his father.

[Melonfool]

18 for five years? Nope. I'd be saying no to that. 18 and she can stay til she finds a flatshare!

[SugarOnTop]

she's 18. an adult legally. she can get her own place or flat share - he needs to start loosening those 'apron strings'.

[K888]

Thanks Melon/Sugar!

She does find getting on with people hard, she's quite immature, my OH knows she is 'difficult' and wants to give her special help.

She didn't choose her own courses for college without my OH doing everything. Although she's really upset me I still care about her future and I do worry that she'll end up clinging to an easy at home life unless she's given a kick from her parents. I think she's far more capable than they give her credit for.

I would have been able to accept her living with us if she'd cooperated with me. But she has a pile of quiet anger and seething resentment that me and also, more importantly, my son bear the brunt of.

[ReallyTired]

I am not surprised that your partner has left you. You have put him in an impossible situation. How would you feel if your partner wanted to kick your 12 year old son out when he turns 18?

18 years old is pretty young to be forced to leave home these days. I realise that you hate the girl's guts, but it's unreasonable for you to ask your partner to choose between you and his daughter. Most parents allow their children to choose when they are ready to move out. It's not as if the girl is 40. It is quite common for young adults to be at home until 25 these days. Otherwise it's impossible to save up for deposit for a mortgage. Under 25s often are apprentices if they don't go to uni. They are not entitled to housing benefit.

[LineRunner]

Why would she never visit her mum?

[Melonfool]

I don't think an adult relationship should really have 'conditions' attached.

[SugarOnTop]

you all seem to be missing the fact that this 18 year old is deliberately causing problems in the home! enabled by lazy parenting on the part of her parents who would rather mollycoddle and pander to her instead of teaching her the values she should have learnt by now - main one being RESPECT and thinking and acting independently. yes, parents should put their children first - but when an ADULT child deliberately causes upset in the home then THAT is an unhealthy situation. A man without a backbone is not worth being in a relationship with.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

From her being 13 you mean? Sounds like she was being a normal teen

Normal teens are taught boundaries, respect and manners by their parents so that they can integrate into society as adults.
If the OPs DP has turned a blind eye to his DDs disrespect of the OP, I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to refuse to live with the adult that has been created.
It's too late now for the OPs DP to 'parent' his DD - the damage has been done.

[ReallyTired]

Five years ago the 18 year old was 13 years old. She has only just become an adult. If the situation is caused by poor parenting the step mother is partially to blame.

Like many mumsnet posts we don't know the other side of the story. Maybe the op behaviour has been less than perfect towards her step daughter. Maybe she has caused deliberate upset in the home.

I feel sorry for the children, but it seems better that the op and her partner split and perhaps have shared custody of the two year old.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

If the situation is caused by poor parenting the step mother is partially to blame.

I'm not sure what you mean by this?

Do you think the stepparent should step in and parent their DSC when the parents are doing a bad job?

Or, should stepparents influence their DSC parents to do the job better?

[MythicalKings]

So many times I read on Mnet that step parents shouldn't try to parent. Why is OP at fault here?

Her DP is at fault. The girl is 18 and old enough to know what she's doing, she probably did when she was 13 but her parents did sod all about it.

[ReallyTired]

"Do you think the stepparent should step in and parent their DSC when the parents are doing a bad job?

Or, should stepparents influence their DSC parents to do the job better?"

Yes! I don't understand how someone can live with a child and say that they are nothing to do her.

I think that all the adults in a household should take responsibility for bringing up children. Finances are a complex issue, but if you choose to live with a child then you should be there for them emotionally and give them guidance. The step daughter did not have any say about the op moving in five years ago. It must have been really difficult for her.

[MythicalKings]

agree Really but that's an unpopular view here.

[hoobygalooby]

But how can we step in and parent them when they just resent us? It’s all very well to say we as step-parents should “take responsibility for bringing up children” but how can anybody take responsibility for bringing up a child without the backing of the child’s own parents. Would you let someone else guide your child in a direction you weren’t prepared to guide them yourself? It’s too easy to make the stepmum the baddie in this situation but OP has tried for 5 years with this girl and there is no respect or boundaries and the DSD is even undermining how she is bringing up her own child.
OP – please say No to these ridiculous demands. Your ‘D’H is being completely out of order and should be telling his dd that she can only stay in your house if she toes the line and follows the house rules, not giving you ultimatums.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

if you choose to live with a child then you should be there for them emotionally and give them guidance. The step daughter did not have any say about the op moving in five years ago.

This is contradictory.

How can it help a DC for a stepparent to force emotional support and guidance onto them, when, as you rightly say, the DC had no say or influence on the stepparents involvement in their lives?

How would it have helped the OPs DSD for the OP to say "you don't need to do the college course your dad has chosen, you make your own mind up?".

If the OP withdrew privileges from her DSD for rudeness towards her, how would it help if the OPs DP undermined her and reinstated those privileges each time?

My DD has two parents, she doesn't need two more in the form of my DH and her Dads DW. My DDs stepparents play a different role in her life, and if my DH or my ex's DW attempted to parent DD in a way that was contrary to my own, or my ex's, parenting values, I'd take steps to prevent further contact between them.

[theredjellybean]

reallytired....oh how horrid ....it must feel as if your youngest is not as important to his dad as the his dad's other child ( the daughter ) is to him.
I don't think you can win here....and i am sure you have thought this already but is there a compromise ?
can you and OH finance a little flat nearby for dsd ?? so she can learn to live independently ?? or a annexe in your house ??? or one of those wooden chalets in garden type thing ???? ( i have often wanted to send y dsd to the garden shed :))or is there anotehr family member ..grandparent for instance she coudl live with
If you feel you would get no time with OH how about a deal...she moves in but she acts like au pair in return for free board and lodgings ...giving you date nights ( hate that term but ykwim) with oh when you both escape all the DC ???

[theredjellybean]

btw where does she live now ? and why no contact with her mother ? Genuine reasons ?? if not then say yes but 50 % time only

[theredjellybean]

sorry got really tired confused with OP...

[hampsterdam]

at 13 when op moved in most of the damage regarding bad behaviour and lack of boundaries was most likely already done but somehow it is still the step mothers fault?

[HormonalHeap]

If one tries to discipline one's stepchild and doesn't get backed up by their partner/the child's parent, surely that would just confirm the step child's view that your opinion doesn't really count? Is that a heathy situation?

[ReallyTired]

"reallytired....oh how horrid ....it must feel as if your youngest is not as important to his dad as the his dad's other child ( the daughter ) is to him."

There is no evidence in any of the posts that is the case. I expect that the dad can see his son alternate weekends. Maybe he can even apply for full custody. I expect the Dad wants a relationship with all his children.

"If one tries to discipline one's stepchild and doesn't get backed up by their partner/the child's parent, surely that would just confirm the step child's view that your opinion doesn't really count? Is that a heathy situation?"

Why would you stay in a relationship with such a man, yet alone have his child?

[CardinalRed]

Why is he wanting to stifle his DD like this? At 18 she should be planning her own life, not wanting to hang around the parental home causing more discord.
I'm really sorry, but your OH sounds totally blind and besotted with his DD, to the detriment of you and his other DC.
His attitude has probably contributed to the issues she has with you - has he ever backed you up or does he automatically take her side regardless?

It must be such a stressful atmosphere for you and incredibly demoralising. Not a healthy atmosphere for the other DC.

[Jphilips19]

So you have been this girls step- parent for 5 years and your OH has been a step-parent to your son as well for the same amount of time. Even in families where there are no step-parents involved teenagers can put a terrible strain on the parents relationship your own children can push you to the absolute limit. There is no easy solution. Could I suggest that both of you forget about the children just for one moment because no relationship is going to work if you both aren't able to compromise and be prepared to back each other or each other's children up as if they are your own. The pair of you need to have quality time alone at least one evening a month without children. Is it your OH insisting that his daughter has no contact with her mother because that is not his call, his daughter should choose. You say you don't have a good relationship with this girl it sounds like she is being a bit challenging but that is normal but your Oh setting a time limit on the amount of years she stays isn't and forcing her to live with you will make you just as resentful. You obviously care about her so when situations erupt can you and your OH set a good example by trying to teach your children to be supportive to each other otherwise both of you will not take sides until peace is resumed and either an apology or compromise is reached?

[K888]

Haven't read all the posts yet. But I think some people are thinking I've kicked her out? That's not the case. That I hate her? Of course I don't, she's just a normal girl. I'm actually pretty sad that she didn't let me in any way help her over the years. I'm just saying the situation for me if she moves back in will be too much strain.

She left 5 months ago in a strop about me without saying a word - went straight to her mums around the corner after school and didn't come back! I've not had a single conversation with her since. She has only come to the house when she knows that I'm out. I only just heard from my OH that she wants to move back in.

Two days before this strop about me she was sick and I looked after her, cleared up the mess, you know as a normal caring parent. I was pretty upset and tried to talk to my OH but he refused.

The strop was because I'd asked her to be more polite, specifically asked her to say hello more often and not ignore us. I said she obviously had resentment, she did the 'your not my mother' thing. I didn't scream or say anything nasty, just carried on being up front saying I know I'm not your mother but I am a parent here. She stormed off and that was the last I saw of her. My OH had a huge go at me about it so that is obviously a big part of the problem, if he'd worked with me as a team it might have had a chance.