Am I overreacting?(12 Posts)
I've posted about this before, but I'm at the end of my tether now. My DP he's really taken to my DS (now 16) though he's been in his life since he was 10. We live together with my 2 DSDs. My partner is almost indifferent to him, and doesn't really speak to him but is very chatty with his own kids. My DS says it doesn't bother him but it bothers me!! I'm getting so resentful about it. I went away for a fews days and felt that I had to arrange for my DS to stay with his dad as I couldnt bear to know that my DS would be stuck in his room on his x box with no interaction. He does sit in his room but when he comes downstairs my partner doesn't speak to him much and now my DS doesn't bother. I've moved out as I've had enough. He blames it all on my DS saying that he doesn't speak to him and he should make more effort etc! I say he is 15 you need to make the effort... Am I wrong?
No not wrong. I am sorry your relationship is on the brink of ending but your DP sounds like a jealous child. It must be very difficult to be with a man who treats your child that way. I couldn't stay with him either.
have you asked your DP why he doesn't speak with him? would it help if they started some sort of hobby together or found something in common they could enjoy together?
They are very different. but he's never even said let's clean the car together! all I've ever asked is that he treats him the same as his own kids but he can't see where I'm coming from. He says about my son's behaviour but he's a good kid and gets on with everyone else it is like he's jealous!
My DP doesn't get along with my teenage DS at the moment. I don't blame him, DS is in his hormonal, pigsty, smelly and 'I'm not bothered' stage and isn't that much fun. Of course I love him and because we have always had a close relationship, I focus on the positive and try to ignore the teenage-like behaviour.
I do however respect that it is not easy to want to interact with a moody teenager who only grunts back. I appreciate that my partner is already making a lot of effort ignoring him rather than letting his frustrations show. I have spoken to DS about it and he says he doesn't mind and I really don't think he is that bothered. They will make polite conversation and there no arguments, they just aren't close at the moment.
I certainly wouldn't leave my DH who I love deeply because of a few difficult years. The same happened with DD (although to a lesser degree) at the same age. 3 years on, DD has matured and they now have a pleasant relationship. I am very confident that things will get better too as DS turn into a fine young man.
Are you sure you are not overacting since you say that your DS is not that bothered. Many fathers also tend to find teenagers years difficult.
Teens are tricky creatures!
I do think its unrealistic to expect your DP to treat your DS the same as his own DCs - and your DS may well be uncomfortable with that, anyway.
I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to make arrangements with your DS's dad to be responsible for him when you're away - your DP shouldn't be expected to take on a parenting role and your DS shouldn't be expected to be happy with remaining in your DPs care when his Dad is available.
My DD is 14 - she rarely says anything to me or DH these days - I don't expect DH to go out of his way to encourage her to speak or engage her in some bonding activity - she'd rather die, I'm sure!
Peruvian/Swing both make very good points. Teenagers aren't the most communicative! You may overestimate the ease that you talk to your DS because you had so much time to bond through his life.
I've been in your DPs situation - my teenage DSD told my DP that was me not making an effort, that I was to blame for the lack of interaction. I couldn't see it more differently! It upset me to feel blamed for it all.
But I did try some things which really helped, temporarily - like do a 'murder mystery' game with them - we all had parts!, all play interactive Xbox game together, go to cinema all with my DSDs and DCs - you don't have to 'talk' to each other but all doing stuff together. Perhaps that would be a good way to help include everyone?
I remember your previous thread, I think - he's never had any time for your DS in all the 6 years he's known him, has he.
I'm sorry that it has come to you moving out rather than your P trying to fix his issues with your son - but in the end, your son matters more. I hope that you and he are happier without your P.
From first hand experience I completely understand how you feel. My dh doesn't ignore my ds 15, but doesn't make anything like the effort he makes with his own, or have anywhere near the same level of interest. He will go to the end of the earth for his own.
I hear the people who say it's only natural. But it's very hard to deal with the fact you have consciously put your child into this situation. In my case, the problem is compounded by the fact my ds's dad (my ex) takes no interest either, which is why I am perhaps so sensitive. Dh and I are taking ds on a month's holiday soon- it will just be the 3 of us, so there will be times they will go off and do boys stuff on their own- but even that won't make up for the fact dh doesn't love him or care about him to anywhere near the extent he does his own.
For you to leave this must have bean eating away at you for a long time. Have you spoken to your ds about your decision and how does he feel about it?
I don't mean to be unkind, but I don't understand this expectation that you have of your partner to love your children as much as his. Do you love his parents as much as you love yours? Would you if they moved in with you? Imagine you don't really see eye to eye because you are very different, would you find it acceptable that your partner expect you to show the same level of love towards your parents with his?
How would you feel if they left you because they resented you for not loving his parents as much as yours?
Fooso, I'm in a similar situation to you. Been living my dp for 5 years, together for 7, my ds is 17.
My dp has never really made much effort with my ds either and my ds also spends time alone in his room. I think it's easy to think that normal teen behaviour could be something else. I don't know if my ds would be downstairs more if I lived away from dp and his kids.
I think you have to be realistic. Your dp isn't going to live your son as his own. However, I do think it becomes "easy" for our dp's to opt out of treating the the same as their own dc if they're never around.
I suspect my ds doesn't interact with my dp because my dp didn't make enough effort when he was younger. But maybe they still wouldn't get on, I'll never know.
Like you my ds rarely sees his dad, so it's hard to see ds being the only one who doesn't seem to get time with a male role model.
I think it's been easier as my dp has three girls who stay / live with us but his son is no contact so it's less easy to compare like with like.
You have to do what you feel is right for you and your son but remember that your son will grow up and away and so will your dsc but resentment can take its toll on a relationship.
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