It's the next day AIBU?

[Mommyusedtobecool]

So my 10 yr old dss was quite rude to me yesterday, when I asked him.calmly and kindly, why he threw an apple at a neighbours son in the face. ( the boy is about 5 years older than dss but very kind)..
In response dss said 'I'd be waiting a very long time for a response' and that 'i don't know anything' Dp hovered and listened in, then asked him in his language (which I don't speak) and then shrugged the whole matter off like it was no big deal. And his indignant response to me was no big deal either.
But dp wouldn't let my own ds talk to me like that or even dsd.
Now they're happily back in the swing of things but I'm not, I don't want to talk to dp or dss. AIBU?!

[VanitasVanitatum]

I think YANBU to be annoyed with DP that it wasn't dealt with but I don't think there's much you can do apart from try and discuss with DP why DSS shouldn't be allowed to behave like that.

You can't really expect DSS to understand why you're not speaking to him when his dad has said its all fine. Also 'not speaking' isn't really going to help anything..

[Reginafalangie]

Why was DP hovering and listening and not dealing with it himself?

Your issue isn't with the 10 yo your issue lies with his father.

[QuiteLikely5]

Shocking behaviour for any child.

The father is a disgrace.

The attitude towards you? I would not really engage with this child, polite and civil yes but do not parent him. Leave it to his father.

[NorahDentressangle]

Throw apple cores in DP's face until he responds

[hampsterdam]

How often do they talk in their own language? I think I would find that uncomfortable to be honest especially in this context of him stepping in to undermine you. Just seems a bit disrespectful.

[Mommyusedtobecool]

It was a whole fallen cooking apple. So could've done some real damage. And when the friend asked why he did it, he said "cos you deserve it" he was losing a football game.
And the reason I felt the need to talk to the kid and explain this is not reasonable behaviour is cos he's the only child in my household that gets away with being horrible. His father just doesn't believe his son is that badly behaved.
When I discussed it with dp last night he said stupid things like it's not even the season for big apples. Like I'd fabricated the whole thing?!
It's such a contrast to how he deals with dsd and the other children.
Ive told him I don't want to be in his or dss company today, so he's taken dsc out for a treat.
I really hate them both right now as I just can't reason with either dp or dss, they're a law unto themselves.

While it may seem a bit cruel that I'm ignoring dss today, I just feel so disgusted at their disregard for anyone else. It could have been a subject I could've moved on from if his bad behaviour was punished. But it feels like he got a pat on the back instead!

[Mommyusedtobecool]

I really do want to throw apples at both of them! They might get a clue then!
They speak in their own language(Swedish) quite often.
So me and my dc don't have a clue what they're saying.

[SurlyCue]

Wow! Parenting FAIL for DP. Why is he copping out when it comes to disciplining DSS? There must be a reason. I cant believe he stood there and allowed DSS to speak to you like that.

[SurlyCue]

Does DP only speak to his children in swedish? If so i can understand why he did but if he uses english when speaking directly to them then he deliberately used it yesterday to exclude you from what was being said. There is a reason for that too.

[Smellyoulateralligator]

I think YABU to hate a ten year old child and in the passive aggressive way you are ignoring your dss.

Are you projecting the anger you feel towards your DP into his son?

Your DP doors need to back you up with discipline though, so YANBU to be upset about his lack of support.

[Mommyusedtobecool]

I agree it's totally unfair to use the word hate. I'm probably alot more angry with dp than dss. He's just being a naughty boy and enjoying getting away with it tbh.
Where as his dad is the reason I'm feeling this way today. When initially it's not even about me, it's about a boy that got hit in the face with an apple.

I don't know how to get out of this hopeless mood.

And dp only has proper conversations in Sweden when he doesn't want me to understand. It's quite obvious. The rest of the time he uses English.
I suppose I am quite jealous that I don't have the privy of a second language between my dc and I.

[SurlyCue]

And dp only has proper conversations in Sweden when he doesn't want me to understand. It's quite obvious.

So tackle this. It is extremely disrespectful (and openly!) Dont accept it anymore! You having a secret language with DC would not make him any less disrespectful, it would just pit the two families against each other. Not what you should be aiming for.

[Mommyusedtobecool]

With dss it's a culmination of quite nasty and antisocial behaviour toward other children. It's so hard to do what all the child psychology self help texts suggest and just dislike the behaviour and not the child.
When I'm not allowed to even suggest dss has anger issues let alone even calmly approach his bad behaviour.
Where as with dsd I'm allowed to tell her off or even smack her if I wanted to! That's what dp has told me. Although I've never error felt the necessity with her.

[Teabagbeforemilk]

Get the Swedish Rosetta stone on the sly. He will stop doing that pretty sharpish.

Sorry your dp is the problem. Your dss doesn't have to reply as he knows his dad will step in.

You said he won't let your child speak to you like that? What does he do? Why he is allows the discipline your child?

It's quite obvious that he doesn't want you dealing with dss.

[Teabagbeforemilk]

An yes...I learnt Spanish because colleagues kept speaking Spanish around me and I didn't have a clue. Even just enough to pick up a few words can tell you what they are saying

[Mommyusedtobecool]

I agree.
Although I want them to maintain the Swedish language, I guess there are legitimate occasions when I can say it's rude to exclude me from that parenting scenario.
Especially when I take care of them the majority of the time!
I'll try and confront it.
Although I often feel like I'm viewed as a moody irrational cow. And that's what dp will try to convince me.
It is rude.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Ah Mommy - this child has serious issues, doesn't he. :( I remember your last thread, looks like your partner hasn't improved any, if anything he's getting worse.

What do you want to do? Do you want to stay with him? Do you really feel you have to stay with him? I know the issues from the last thread but really, this isn't good for anyone :(

[Bellebella]

Your problem is with your dp, that much is obvious.

A, he should have been discipling his own child.
B, if he let you deal with it, then he should have backed you up and certainly have told his son off for his cheek towards you.
C, not spoken in Swedish to him. Now I get they have another language and I think it's great that your stepkids speak two languages but in this instance I would have been peeved my oh communicated in a language he knew I did not speak. It was certainly one way of making sure your dss did not listen to you.

[RonaldosAbs]

We're a multi lingual household, the kids speak all the languages but DH and I aren't fluent in each others all the way.


We have a rule that we never, EVER speak to any of our kids in front of the other parent unless we all understand. It creates a division in the home and especially in an argument/disciplinary situation. "Speak the common language of whoever is in the room" is our house rule.


This whole situation sounds very difficult, have some and a from me.

[Smellyoulateralligator]

You must feel so undermined mommy
Your DP isn't doing his son any favours and his lack of support is jeapordising your relationship with him and dss.
You have every right to be upset and angry with him. Do you think having a serious chat would achieve anything?

[cappy123]

DO have the difficult conversations with your DP "I want us to agree x with the children", "When you [verb] I feel x. Please do x differently. If you won't I will need to do x". "I know you want the best for our family, you seemed annoyed / sad when I mentioned x. What upset / irked you?" Personally even though sometimes painful, I keep at these conversations with my DH, despite his occasional resistance, so he gets the message that we're not going to ignore the issues but
DO pick the right time, place and tone to bring it up and present it as an issue before you that you can both discuss and resolve together
DO remember your DSS's behaviour is heavily influenced by the examples of his parents, incl you, so don't be surprised if your DP misbehaves / shows disrespect / is irresponsible and DSS acts up too
DON'T blame / resent DSS. Keep loving him. Know when to temporarily dissociate to keep sane, but don't freeze DSS out
DON'T rescue DP from his parenting of his DS
DON'T react (or try not to) to DP's negative behaviours, be the bigger person and role model better behaviour (I'm sure you do this already from the tone of your posts!)
DON'T flog a dead horse -consider if this relationship is more trouble than it's worth? Hopefully so.

[Mommyusedtobecool]

Thankyou all for your very practical and helpful advice.
I did have a long conversation with dp about the whole situation.
Think I have been struggling to cope and trying to balance and fix things beyond my ability.
It's gotten to the point where it's really effected my own health. The worry and the internalising and self analysis.
I went to bet feeling confused and awful.
I woke up with a headache and feeling so numb about dp and dsc. Feel like I just can't mentally stretch myself selflessly anymore.
I'm either on the edge of a break down or I'm at a turning point. I just don't feel anything bad or good for them anymore.
Just in a 'live and let live' mood.
I feel like walking and never seeing them again and just being happy fgs. Life too short!

[Penfold007]

OP your partner is condoning and encouraging his male child to disrespect and be abusive towards you. He is likely to treat his sister and your son in the same way.
It would be a deal breaker for me.

[SurlyCue]

OP do you think your feelings could be a culmination of what has been happening with your DP? He is actively working against you with his son. This is deliberate. I couldnt live with that, it would make home a horrible place to be- no wonder you are feeling this way. Personally i think your DP is telling you a lot about who he is through his parenting. I advise you listen. I also suggest that maybe living together isnt what is best for you and your child. Joining two families should be for the improvement of all those concerned. You dont seem to be benefitting from the arrangement.

[Mommyusedtobecool]

It's definitely a culmination. Because the incident itself is minor in the whole scheme of things. It's more to do with the fact I was so hurtfully undermined. When I'm so incredibly patient. Just Doesn't really seem like the kind of thing you do to someone that's showing nothing but kindness towards your child.
He said he didn't hear it. But thats just bullshit. He was in my peripheral vision, listening intently.
And it says alot about his attitude and what he believes men in particular should be entitled to get away with. And its quite clear in dss attitude that he's been raised this way (if you can even call it raising).
I'm just not interested anymore.
It is a deal breaker.