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Partner doesn't want to marry for a second time. Help!

(42 Posts)
K888 Thu 25-Jun-15 13:51:29

Advice needed!

I'm not sure whether to stick around, I feel like second best all the time.

OH is still not divorced - something he promised he would do years ago. She still uses his second name and lives in a house that she paid for.

She never worked while they were married, she treated him like a doormat. Yet I have contributed financially and looked after their daughters more than either of them! In his will he names his children as sole beneficiaries but not me at all. If he died tomorrow me and our baby would not have a roof over our heads.

I've lived with OH for 5 years. He has 4 SDs. We have a son together who is 2. (I have another son 12).

It has all come to a head and I am thinking of just backing off.

K888 Thu 25-Jun-15 13:53:29

Sorry I made a spelling mistake, she lives in a house that HE paid for - something he admits he can't afford.

blackjacker Thu 25-Jun-15 14:03:23

How long have you been together? Some of the things you mention are normal (although irritating!) My DP's ex still uses her married name and lives in the former marital home and I don't think that's unreasonable. However his will is pretty shitty; especially if your joint child is not a beneficiary. Having said that, I'm not my DP's beneficiary and he's not mine, his half is left to his kids and mine is left to my sister. However we do have a trust leaving each other a life interest in the property should the worst happen, is that a possibility?

K888 Thu 25-Jun-15 14:40:45

Thanks blackjacker - part of it is just venting my feelings.

It's been 10 years since they separated - and at what point do things move on? There isn't that much in it for me if this carries on. I myself have an EX but I gave HIM money from the house that I bought soley in my name, I don't have his second name. I've also added my partner to my will with my children - they all have an equal share.

I just feel like him and a lot of other men I know who have had first wives who were pretty childlike - ie never taking any financial responsibility - sucked all the giving out of them and they now have nothing left.

I probably should have got with someone without so much baggage but I was incredibly niave!

I do need to be in a position where I'm not made homeless if he died - but at the moment as he is married his wife is entitled to all of it anyway! And his pensions!

K888 Thu 25-Jun-15 14:41:52

p.s. have been together for 5 years (living together for almost all of this time)

Melonfool Thu 25-Jun-15 14:44:09

Me and dp are not each others bens either - but there is provision for the house.

You could challenge that will as you and ds are financially interdependent on him.

I think you do need to address it - but back off on the marriage bit.

My dp doesn't want to remarry (though I think he's coming round to it) but he is committed, whatever legal and financial arrangements I have wanted put in place he has agreed to - wills, cohabitation agreement, naming on life insurance, him taking life insurance to cover the mortgage and outstanding maints for his ds, naming on pensions etc. The only thing we've not got round to is Power of Attorney, which I want for me even if he doesn't want it.

If you've been together over 5 years and have a child then he is committed, he just sounds like a wuss when it comes to dealing with the ex. So, focus on the financial stuff you need to make your life secure.

If he's not interested in getting it done, then yes, you do need to consider seriously if this is the right place for you to be with your dc.

Melonfool Thu 25-Jun-15 14:47:19

"but at the moment as he is married his wife is entitled to all of it anyway! And his pensions!"

Well, that's not strictly true - you say his will leaves stuff to the kids, not to his wife? And as a dependent you can challenge that.

Plus wills written before a split can be invalid.

His pensions - presumably, like most, they would be held in trust and it's actually up to the trustees where the money goes when he dies, he can nominate but the final decision is with the trustees. Thus you can challenge that as well with a good chance of success on behalf of your dc.

It might be worth you seeing a solicitor to understand your position better.

K888 Thu 25-Jun-15 14:49:53

Thanks a lot Melonfool

It has given a lot of food for thought. He's pretty private about his finances.

He did put me on his health insurance last year - but has still being paying for his wife up until 6 months ago! But that is it.

I tried to bring this up in a nice way 2 years ago - I just produced my will with him on it and also naming him as the guardian etc. Making the first move!

I tried to talk to him about pensions recently - I want to start one for myself - as I've had some previous ones but now I have a toddler again I'm not going to be able to get a decent work one.

He absolutely flipped! I even said - look I'll rent out a room in the house if need be. But it's like he can't cope with another set of responsibilities.

Yet it was him who pursued a serious relationship with me initially. I had cold feet because of exactly all the stuff that I am dealing with now.

SurlyCue Thu 25-Jun-15 14:51:17

She still uses his second name

No. Its her name. It wasnt on loan to her.

lives in a house that she paid for.
She never worked while they were married

Raising 4 children isnt work?

I do need to be in a position where I'm not made homeless if he died

why would you be homeless if he died? Is the house you live in his?

blackjacker Thu 25-Jun-15 14:52:08

It's easy with hindsight to say you should never have got involved but you don't think about these things in the first months of a new relationship! Knowing what I do now I don't know if I'd have made the same choices but hey ho! And I completely understand the need to vent grin

I think you need to make sure you are financially secure as a matter of urgency in the event of a split or your partner dying. And remove him as your beneficiary! Why should he benefit from your estate (at the loss of your children) when he's not willing to reciprocate?

I don't know when it all ends, although my DP has been OK at severing financial ties, she still calls him for emotional support (and not to do with the kids) which I'm not massively happy about. I now realise that she will always be a part of our lives and I've accepted that to an extent and get on pretty well with her.

Melonfool Thu 25-Jun-15 15:13:19

"naming him as the guardian etc"

Huh? Doesn't he have parental responsibility then, isn't he named on the birth cert?

Or do you mean for your dc with your ex - why would you do that? Why would your ex allow it and why would your dp want it?

We have discussed me being guardian for dss but it would only ever come into effect if the ex had died first, dp was then sole parent and then he died and I was live and dss was under 18. An unlikely scenario to be sure!

I don't think 'named guardians' has any legal status anyway, social services decide what happens to orphaned children, though they obviously look to close family first.

K888 Thu 25-Jun-15 15:22:05

The house we are living in is his - in his name only. I was working full-time but gave it up to look after our son 2 years ago - I contributed and now do a little part-time and contribute that way.

I should have said that I'm British but living in Ireland. He isn't given automatic parental responsibility - his name is on the birth certificate but that doesn't mean he has it here yet.

That also means here that his wife has call on his pensions, even after divorce but certainly before (they checked with solicitor about this).

It is contestable what would happen if he dies - but here a wife is autmatically the main beneficiary no matter what the will says unless there is a written opt out agreement.

Heels99 Thu 25-Jun-15 15:26:34

Yes but you knew all of this when you decided to have a child with someone who was married to someone else. At the moment you are his mistress in the eyes of the law and you are right to be worried about what would happen if he died or ran off with someone else or couldn't work because he was ill or disabled. These things need sorting out or you could be left high and dry.
You need to think things through a bit more

K888 Thu 25-Jun-15 15:27:04

SurlyCue - believe I know that there is little I can do about her using his second name. It would just help - and I truly believe it would help her too to psychologically move on - but hey, if she wants it she wants it.

Yeah children is work - I should know! I've bought up a 12 year old with little money - and certainly not a house from the EX. Basically I think me and my partner are the unselfish ones in our split ups. BUT when my partner met his wife she had a child with another man - and basically got him to provide for her for years before they had their own kids - even insisting he do all the night feeds/ weekends.

I have been bringing up her children for more time than she has for the last 5 years and yet she has a huge sense of entitlement. I think that there are just givers and takers in this world and she's a taker. But as you say, there is not much that I can do about that.

foxinsocks Thu 25-Jun-15 15:28:05

it's not that he doesn't want to get married again, it's that he doesn't want to get divorced. That would worry me. Why doesn't he want to get divorced?

SurlyCue Thu 25-Jun-15 15:31:49

I was working full-time but gave it up to look after our son 2 years ago

So basically what his wife did then to look after their four children?

Look i'll be honest, you seem to have put yourself in a very unequal, vulnerable situation. You have put him in your will, named him as guardian, are providing more care for his children as their own parents are, had a child with him without the security of marriage and are living in a house you have no claim over. Whilst he has given you no legal or financial security at all in return. You are making all the sacrifices and taking all the risks here. These are all things you have chosen to do. However, you do not have to just accept that this is how it is now. You can remove him from your will, either insist on him divorcing, marrying you and putting the house in joint names or you can leave and secure your own future rather than leave it dependant on a man who refuses to protect you and you child and who wont cut financial ties with his former partner. I would not maintain a relationship under the current circumstances. You are getting mugged off.

SurlyCue Thu 25-Jun-15 15:33:06

believe I know that there is little I can do about her using his second name.

It isnt his!! It is HER name.

SurlyCue Thu 25-Jun-15 15:38:15

I think me and my partner are the unselfish ones in our split ups

Yes it is very clear you think this. This mentality is not helping you see this situation clearly. You are too focussed on playing the blame game rather than solving the actual problem.

basically got him to provide for her for years before they had their own kids - even insisting he do all the night feeds/ weekends.

i am 100% sure he made the choice to do that. I am also 100% sure you are only getting his side of the story, which of course is in his interests to present himself favourably to you. (I am such a good man! hmm)

Heels99 Thu 25-Jun-15 15:40:06

The reason you feel,like second best is because you are, he is married to somebody else. He has chosen to stay married to her. You have accepted this situation to the extent of having a child with him! Wake up,and smell the coffee op.

SoupDragon Thu 25-Jun-15 15:44:18

I know that there is little I can do about her using his second name.

As has been said it is her name. How hard is that to grasp? What she calls herself has fuck all to do with you. Are you jealous that she is still Mrs X and you aren't?

SoupDragon Thu 25-Jun-15 15:45:42

I think you need to look at things quite bluntly.

He has not divorced.
He has not made any financial arrangements for your future should something happen.

Do you want to be with someone who seems to care very little for your long term wellbeing?

fedupbutfine Thu 25-Jun-15 15:50:37

You cannot expect the ex to re-name herself because of the divorce. It's just not reasonable. You need to get over that. You also can't accuse his ex of....I don't know....freeloading? when you too are dependent on him for the roof over your head and food on your plate.

if it helps, I doubt I will ever marry again. I am more than happy to believe in love and romance and all that crap, and would be happy to live with someone. But I won't marry again. I am not prepared for my children to lose what I have worked hard for, should something happen to me. It's that simple. Any new relationship for me would mean legal agreements on what is mine is mine and what's his is his and any new property bought, investments, savings etc. would be from scratch between us with it set out legally who owns what, on what basis. I will never allow myself to be dependent on someone else in any way again. Not going to happen.

You are currently in a very difficult position, particularly financially. If he won't support your joint child in the event of his death, you need to seriously re-think the relationship. I don't think it's unreasonable that he doesn't support you should something happen to him, but the children should all be equal.

Melonfool Thu 25-Jun-15 15:55:08

"even insisting he do all the night feeds/ weekends"

These men are always so hard-done-by aren't they? One time one is going to say "I was a pig, I did nothing, she quite rightly booted me out after being told to LTB by MN and I'm going to go on being a git but this time you will be my victim".

Yes, it might have made more sense if you had mentioned being in a different legislative jurisdiction....

Oh, I'm not sure naming him as guardian is such a generous thing as you seem to be trying to make out - I mean, he is the kid's father, who else would be the guardian if you died? Surely you do this for the sake of your child, not for the father?

And I agree, stop focusing on what the ex calls herself, it's her issue. You could start calling yourself Mrs X if you so wish, you can call yourself anything you like (in the UK, don't know about Ireland).

wannaBe Thu 25-Jun-15 15:59:29

the question isn't so much why doesn't he want to marry you but why doesn't he want to divorce his wife.

It seems the xw is getting all the blame for ... erm.... what exactly? confused If he wanted to divorce her he could by now. So why hasn't he? I suspect it probably has something to do with the fact he would have to pay her what she is entitled to if he did.

And the reason why she would keep her last name is essentially nobody's business. It's her name as well now, and likely that of her children. I'm divorced from my xh and I still have his name and have no intention of changing it because it's ds' name too. In fact I may even still keep it when I marry dp, because it will still be ds' name.

You need to start to question though why your dp is choosing to stay married to his ex, and it is his choice, so don't kid yourself that he is wholly unselfish and that the blame all lies with his ex - it doesn't. You need to protect yourself and your own ds in this, and question whether you want to stay with a man who puts you second over his wife.

K888 Thu 25-Jun-15 15:59:42

Okay woah with all the hating!!!

I agreed to move in with him because he said he would divorce his wife and marry me. I was incredibly nice to the ex. I'm an ex myself! I nurtured all of her kids.

I gave my partner time because sometimes things do take time - I gave them all the benefit of the doubt and put my faith into my relationship and being a step parent.

I wrote this for advice - because as has been rightly pointed out - I am now in an incredibly vulnerabe position - emotionally and financially.

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