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(29 Posts)
JakieOH Mon 22-Jun-15 16:17:37

Just wondering if any of you are in a similar situation and how you deal with it?
We have SC every other weekend and every Sunday But to be honest it varies depending on the mothers social calendar so they have been with us for the last 4 weekends. she used to send some clothes with them ( we would get them new stuff too every now and again) as it is a waste having things here because they don't get wear out of it (usually EOW). If she was pissed off at DP which is all the time really, she wouldn't send anything. We decided it was best just to keep what we buy here so that's what we did.

The problem is that when DP picks them up the oldest is in her school uniform. On a Sunday we just put her home in whatever she has on but then we end up with nothing here. We are now buying new outfits every weekend (shoes too) and it's just too expensive we can't afford it. I have suggested that oldest DSD gets changed into whatever she came in (usually uniform and old shoes) just for the car journey home. It's not ideal but can't see any alternative. DP thinks that's not fair on her, which I agree with but can't see any alternative. We have asked SD to grab a few things to wear before she comes but she never does.

Youngest is fine because we just wash whatever she has on when she arrives and she wears that home on Sunday. Is it so bad to put oldest SD back to the mothers with her uniform on? She is 9.

FluffyBumOnTheRun Mon 22-Jun-15 16:36:04

I would just send her back in the uniform, it's only a car journey and I've seen others say they do that. It's so silly as mum is only hurting the dd with petty behaviour.

yellowdaisies Mon 22-Jun-15 16:48:05

I can't see a problem with her changing back into uniform for the car journey. My DS does that to come home to mine sometimes of his own volition. I've no problem with him taking clothes to his dad's but DS says it's easier just to wear uniform home so his clothes end up in the right places

JakieOH Mon 22-Jun-15 17:00:27

How old is your DS yellow?

Wdigin2this Mon 22-Jun-15 17:07:18

Of course there's nothing wrong with putting her back in school stuff to go home, as long as she doesn't object, it doesn't matter! If you've bought clothes and shoes etc, and they don't come back with the DSC, then you have no choice but to keep them at yours! I just do not understand any mother using her DC to 'get at' their DF, how does she think it makes them feel to turn up at their DF house without a change of clothes?!

JakieOH Mon 22-Jun-15 17:13:24

Thanks for the replies there. DP thinks it's awful that I even suggested it hmm the mother just looks for a reason to have a go. i don't mind buying them new clothes here and there but I'll be rubber ducked if she thinks we are buying a new set of clothes and shoes every weekend!

Uniform on a Sunday it is, just need to convince DP it's not child abuse confused it's a shame though, she is a lovely wee girl, she doesn't deserve all this shit. Would it be reasonable to ask her to put a few things in a bag herself before she comes? DPs said it to her a few times but she hasn't really taken him on. I thought it was a bit unfair to put that in a 9yo but maybe the mother from hell is telling her not to.

JakieOH Mon 22-Jun-15 17:16:24

Wdigin, that's what I think although I'm pretty sure DSD will hate to put her uniform on hmm. She is a teenager in a child's body and is very fussy with clothes smile. Maybe it will make her take a set of clothes with her herself, otherwise there's no alternative!

crossroads15 Mon 22-Jun-15 17:24:44

Any chance of your DP keeping them until Monday so you can drop back to school?

Or could you take her back to Mums in pyjamas?

Or just ask Mum to bag up everything you've bought (assuming your DP is paying maintenance) and go and collect it.

If she say no then I agree you don't have much option but to send her back in uniform. Which presumably won't suit Mum as it won't be clean for Monday. That might encourage her to send a change of clothes. Or for your DSD to bring some of her own accord.

JakieOH Mon 22-Jun-15 17:36:50

Sometimes they do stay till Monday. It's not ideal for them as it's such an early start but when they do its not a problem because the uniforms there good to go. The mother doesn't like them staying here school nights, which is probably the only thing they agree on, it's too early a start for them (unless her social colander dictates a Sunday night out!

I think DSD and DP would be even unhappier with pyjamas at tea time in the car, if it carries on I think uniform is the only answer.

DP paid nearly double the amount CMS calculator showed plus extras up until his exw got him in thousands of pounds of debt. Now he just pays her CMS money and nothing extra but that's a whole different story (see previous thread angry. But I guess the clothes could be classed as extra, he has no problem buying them outfits and sending them to the mothers, as long as they come with clothes to wear. This is why it's started I think.

She is shooting herself in the foot (again) and upsetting the kids with it. No one wins in these situations but I certainly won't be letting any clothes I buy go out with them. Time will tell how it works, I have a sense of impending doom though hmm

JakieOH Mon 22-Jun-15 17:43:08

I will say I'm surprised she is willing to upset DSD this much (it does upset her) She is a total bitch to myself and DP but on the whole I actually think she is a good mum. She will go out of her way to make things awkward for us but I don't think she would intentionally upset them.

She loves her kids but in this situation I think her anger/bitterness or whatever you would call it is overshadowing her judgment as far as upsetting the kids goes.

yellowdaisies Mon 22-Jun-15 18:18:19

My DS odd 15. He cycles home from his dad's in his school uniform on a Sunday evening and doesn't seem to care at all. grin

I think as 9 you could try asking her to put a few things in a bag, especially if they're the clothes you've bought her.

Where is your DP picking her up from? If it's her home, could she just change quickly first, and come to you in weekend clothes?

JakieOH Mon 22-Jun-15 18:28:53

Yep, tried that yellow. The mother goes off on one if DP says anything about anything so that's a no go.

It's about 20 miles to their other other house so I'll wait until they are at least 10 before I suggest them cycling wink given that DP thinks it's borderline Abuse to suggest his wee girl change into her uniform on a Sunday shock wink

BareGorillas Mon 22-Jun-15 18:32:50

It's hard isn't it? My SC would come to us from school also and we would wash and dry and return them with their uniforms on Sun evening, and of course in clothes supplied by us. DH would ask her to bag up the clothes every now and then when the supply got low but oddly all the good stuff would not reappear until it was outgrown hmm
So we would just make sure that what they wore home was clean and decent but not stuff we would miss, and invariably it would come back anyway. If money is tight take a look through the charity shops or Primark is pretty good to keep their wardrobe topped up.

It will get better, when they're aware of what they want to wear they'll start looking after their clothes and maybe even pack a bag.

JakieOH Mon 22-Jun-15 18:57:09

It's more the expense of it. We have just finished paying off her overdraft debt which DP had to take a loan out for so money is pretty tight at the minute. Hopefully I will be able to convince DP (didn't want to before as I thought maybe he was right) to just put her home in her uniform from now on. That would solve the problem, then when things improve financially, I will send them back to the mothers in Gucci and Prada and tell her just to keep them at hers wink I'm looking forward to the day it gets better bare smile

wheresthelight Mon 22-Jun-15 18:58:44

It is a very fine line Jackie! I personally would send her home in uniform but only after giving her mum the choice to return the clothes you have bought or have the girls sent home in the clothes they came in even if that is her school uniform.

My dp's ex has pulled similar bs in the past, her current favourite is to send the kids in clothes that are massively too small for them and then claim she can't afford to replace them. Only she has just bought a house mortgage free and a brand spanking new car so it's easy to see where her priorities lie! She bitched at dp and his answer was simply to say "I know it costs me a fortune to keep them in clothes at mine too" she hasn't mentioned it since

FluffyBumOnTheRun Mon 22-Jun-15 20:10:22

The other option is to deduct the money you are paying for new clothes every contact. It's totally ridiculous she is doing this to her own daughter. My dsd is the same age and would not be happy with her mum if she sent her with no clothes, it may even cause future resentment. We would be forced to buy make do outfits from the supermarket and I know dsd would rather be in her own things.

Disclaimer....I'm not saying there's anything wrong with supermarket clothes but at that age, kids have a strong idea of what they want to wear.

thepurplehen Mon 22-Jun-15 20:21:08

My dp can be pretty Disney over his kids but even he used to send them back in uniform (they generally stay til Monday morning now). I used to wash it ready for Sunday night.

Kids get used to it. I bet the parents are more worried than the child!

Melonfool Mon 22-Jun-15 23:37:20

Oh god, we have this problem. Ex buys him designer clothes, we don't. dp wants him to have a full set of everything here so he doesn't have to pack to come - both houses are 'home', he refers to his mum's as mum's and oyrs as dad's, neither as home specifically (well, if he's with us and we're out he'd ask "when are we going home", as when he's with us, ours is home, iyswim).
Anyway.....he mainly comes straight from school in uniform. Then back to school Tue am (we have him eow/e and Monday overnight). Used to work fine as back to mum's from school, in uniform.

But now there is some nonsense whereby he comes here after school Tue, gets changed, then gets picked up for some club, then dropped back at his mum's. He stuffs his uniform in his school bag but wears 'our' clothes. And for some obscure reason she won't allow us to have them back - she says he's grown out of then, or they need washing, or he doesn't like them, etc, anything not to give them back. We've asked him to bring them but he says SD won't let him take them. It's a freaking nightmare.
The only solution for us is that he goes to Tuesday club in uniform or he doesn't come to ours first (we are nearer the club I think).
We spend a fortune on clothes for him, which are pretty much disposable it seems (Primark is your friend!).
I'd send her home in uniform, it's all you can do.
And don't expect ex to get any better about the whole thing.

Pantone363 Mon 22-Jun-15 23:47:54

My ex sends them home in their uniform as he collects them on a fri from school.

They don't seem traumatised yet

springalong Tue 23-Jun-15 01:10:05

I personally think it is financially silly for a duplicate set of clothes to be kept in each home and not worn very much. So if sending a child back on a short journey in uniform deals with this and other issues then so be it. I do also think that children from divorced homes often have to grow up faster and adapt to slightly different circumstances.

JakieOH Tue 23-Jun-15 07:46:53

I doubt very much it would 'traumatise' them think it's just that he knows she will not like it. He was a total Disney dad when I met him (and I cN totally understand the reasons for it) but now he is much firmer with them.

I don't like it to be honest it feels so petty and sad really. Unfortunately that's what it's come to, no option because of her greed!

her shitty attitude towards DP and I clouds her judgment. I know DSD and The mother will be raging, it's just the way they are. they will have to get used to it, I'm hoping it will make her put a Few things on a bag herself.

Me, I'm going shopping to primark wink

Melonfool Tue 23-Jun-15 10:10:21

"I personally think it is financially silly for a duplicate set of clothes to be kept in each home and not worn very much."

Yes, 'financially' maybe, but there are myriad other reasons for doing it.

Dp did it specifically so dss wouldn't feel one house was 'home' and the other was 'away' (and had to be packed for). Plus he can't really take an overnight bag on his bike to school anyway, so we'd be forever picking him up for his time with us, or taking him to hers. And half the time we're not here when he finishes school so where would he go at that point - back to ours and then when we get home from work we have to drive back to his mum's to pick up some clothes (which she then whines about because she doesn't like 'her' clothes coming to our house). Having clothes at only one house is no more practical and for us it is far less practical.

The only things he has to remember, on top if his school bag, are his glasses and his phone. Luckily, he's not v likely to forget either.

Sometimes when we're going away we might need something she has and will text her and arrange to pick it up. Sometimes she seems to despair of what we provide and will passive-aggressively buy him some clothes which she 'sends' with him to ours to wear at ours. These are usually stupid designer clothes which appear to have little purpose (jackets that are neither warm nor waterproof for example) and stuff like onesies because apparently dss complains our house is cold (he's never mentioned this to us, in fact his room is very warm, being at the top of the house and having two radiators).

I know we are very lucky dp earns enough for us not to have to worry too much about this stuff really.

springalong Tue 23-Jun-15 11:27:06

I was simply referencing back to the OP as it is a waste having things here because they don't get wear out of it (usually EOW) and it's just too expensive we can't afford it and agreeing as I have a similar view. The Op's suggestion of wearing school uniform for a small trip seemed a good compromise. I don't think the DP is helping the situation by being a bit timid. That is why I posted that I do feel children from separate homes do have to grow up faster which may mean accepting non-ideal situations.

But Melon - it is great that you have found your workable solution. It takes time to get there but will clearly change as the DC get older as you have found.

In my situation duplicate clothes (eg duplicate school shoes) are being used to belittle what comes from my home vs what comes from dads. That is very nasty to deal with.

Melonfool Tue 23-Jun-15 13:51:35

Oh, we have found a solution!

Re clothes from your house v his dad's, we have the opposite with him mum deciding the clothes we buy are not good enough and he has to have Diesel/Vans/SuperDry.

My only mini solution to this has been to take dss shopping and get him to choose a selection, based on a min 'wardrobe' within a max budget. That way he might at least be a bit interested in wearing them.

Melonfool Tue 23-Jun-15 13:53:19

Oh, sorry - meant "we haven't" - we end up with his clothes migrating to his mother's and her refusing to return them.

It does get better as they get older.

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