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Fed up of being referee between DP and my son

(10 Posts)
Loveallmyboys Mon 15-Jun-15 10:41:48

Anyone got any advice how to fix things between them? It's unbearable for me. They wind each other up constantly! Is there such a thing as family counselling?? DP has said he'd go for so etching like this if it were available

Whereisegg Mon 15-Jun-15 11:01:58

How old is your ds?
How long have you been with your dp?
What sort of things are they doing?

whiteiris Mon 15-Jun-15 13:34:22

Hmm I have a situation with some similarities......things are not as happy as I would wish between DP and my DD......I feel like a referee bouncing back and forth, always feeling like I have to side with one of them. It's horrible. It's a complicated problem with no clear-cut answers. I've started to see a psychologist for help, but only had one session so far.

Melonfool Mon 15-Jun-15 15:46:57

There is indeed such a thing as family counselling. The school is a good place to start to ask about counselling services and the LA may have something in place if there are issues with children, if not your GP might be able to do an NHS referral (though the wait might be considerable) or you could source it yourself and pay for it. Some employers provide some sessions through employee assistance programmes, though often limited to six sessions. Or you may have private medical cover which includes it.

Loveallmyboys Mon 15-Jun-15 16:49:44

DS is 11. We've been together 5 years. Living together for 4. They 'bicker'. DP sort of picks on DS. As in he talks to him like one of his mates. Like banter but it's probably not seen like that by DS. DP hasn't had much experience with kids. We have 2 of our own young kids now.
He acknowledged that there is a problem(more so on his part) and that it's potentially going to break up the family, so I was relieved when he suggested counselling. I just want a happy, well-oiled family!

Whereisegg Mon 15-Jun-15 20:53:39

I think family counselling could really help, it's fantastic that your do has recognized there is a problem, and that it's him.
I'm not sure if you would just Google for your local area or if you would need to be referred by a gp though...

If you recognize when things are getting out of hand in the meantime, could you agree a codeword or something so your do knows he needs to stop, without you having to tell your dp off (iyswim).
But then I don't know if would be better if your ds heard you tell him 'enough' as it would show him that you were on it!
I'm not much help really grin

alwaystryingtobeafriend Tue 16-Jun-15 12:36:10

I don't agree with telling off dp in front of the kids. It's undermining him as an adult in the family. I think once kids are not in the room by all means have a word and say I don't like when you say or do such and such could you try to not do it. I hate when dp gives me a 'row' in front of dsc. It find it really offensive in fact, especially if I am just having a bit of fun. I'd rather dp just changed the subject and spoke to me later about it.

The code word could be a good place to start. I might say to dp about that.

Whereisegg Tue 16-Jun-15 14:59:26

Yes, a united front is very important which is why I dithered about it, but then again I think if dp is winding a child up repeatedly to the point of upset then it can be good for the child to see someone defend them.
Still dithering...grin

Melonfool Tue 16-Jun-15 18:07:11

I dither on that too. Mainly I agree not to go against your partner but to show a united front, but now and then dp is a dick and so I'll say something, often quite jokey, like "OK, let's not all wind each other up" or I might say "hang on, is that right, let's just look at that another way..." more like a debate we can all benefit from.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Tue 16-Jun-15 19:02:20

Melon I'd choose those tactics. Make it into a joke or take the heat off the kids and dp. Then I'd speak to dp later.

But then why is dp doing it? Does he think he is being funny? Or is he being mean? Maybe he doesn't know he is doing it and finds it harmless fun.

I think you should speak to dp find out why he is reacting like he does. Is your boy doing something that is acceptable for you but maybe not for dp?

I know that dp will allow kids to getaway with stuff that I don't necessarily agree with, which then winds me up and I start getting arsey with the kids (Which is wrong I know but sometimes it's just a natural reaction)

I end up telling dp later why I've been acting like an arse. Sometimes he sees my side sometimes he doesn't. But ultimately we have to decide together how to move forward.

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