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Is it right for my mom to be involved or not?

(17 Posts)
lizabeth0607 Fri 12-Jun-15 12:29:34


Just to set the scene I have a DD of my own who is 3 and my DP has three children from his previous marriage, DSD1 who is 10, DSS who is 7 and DSD2 who is 6.
So my DP gave my brother who is 14 his old iPhone and a few PS3 games as he now has the PS4, they were really appreciative and my mom invited us all for lunch on Sunday as a thanks.
Now she knows my DP has his children on the weekend, so I assumed that she meant all of us, all 6 of us.
She then said something along the lines of "why do I have to meet his children, they're nothing to do with me" I was shocked and didn't say much. Just that my DPs Mom would never leave my DD out like that, then she went on to further say "but he has three!"
In the end she said all come along, but I feel as though I don't really want to now, am I being silly to be a little hurt by what she has said?

SoundsLegit Fri 12-Jun-15 12:55:43

I would be upset by that. My two DSC live with us, but even before they did my family included them and they were treated equally to the other grandchildren in the family.

I know some families take the same view as your mum does, and I guess it can work well if that is how everyone wants to keep things. It just wouldn't sit well with me.

SoundsLegit Fri 12-Jun-15 13:00:01

Actually, I'll add here that my dad (divorced from my mum) doesn't have much to do with DSC and doesn't treat them the same as my son. But he's not very involved with my son either IYSWIM.

An example; he dropped an Easter egg off via my sister for my son, but didn't think to get even a token one for DSC (my son's half brother and sister).

It pisses me off greatly and when added on to many other similar small instances, has affected my relationship with him. No advice though as I've still never confronted him about it.

yellowdaisies Fri 12-Jun-15 13:21:08

I'd be upset by that too. It feels bad if they're an important part of your life and your parents don't seem to be recognising that. Though to be fair I think my parents probably feel a bit similarly to yours, even if they've managed to be a bit more polite about it. There aren't really any clear expectations on what step grand parents are supposed to do. But three children who are older than your grandchild is a lot different to accepting a single extra 3 year old. I only have two DC and my DH's DM has been really good at including mine in things. My own parents somewhat less so - but there are 4 DSC, mostly teens and I think they don't really know what to do with them, what to buy them for Christmas, etc. I've compromised and taken just the younger two to visit, which went well.

I'd go ahead and take them along though, and explain that they're very important people in your life so you'd like them to meet them. They might find it a bit easier once they've got to know them a bit and seen how you all interact as a family.

Heels99 Fri 12-Jun-15 13:25:23

I am confused, how are the step children your sons half brother and sister?

lizabeth0607 Fri 12-Jun-15 13:36:38

She has never shown any interest in wanting to meet them- and I don't think my Dad would even remember their names! sad

We have however really blended as a family over the last few months and me and my daughter have met several of DPs family members and been invited to all events etc.

I think it is because there is 3 of them and their ages also. My Mom has never brought cards/gifts on their birthdays, Easter, Christmases either.

I think it's a shame she doesn't want to be very involved because she is amazing with my DD and i really feel DSC would like her and enjoy her company also.

momtothree Fri 12-Jun-15 13:37:14

DS has same father as the other children they are half siblings with different mothers.

Heels99 Fri 12-Jun-15 13:56:48

Wow, So in the three years since the op and her dp had their child, the op's parents have never met the dps other children, even at a family event like a birthday or Xmas? Yes that is unusual.

lizabeth0607 Fri 12-Jun-15 14:06:09

Heels- my DP is not my daughters Dad.

I appreciate that our relationship is fairly new (18 months) but my DP lives with me and his children are here every weekend.

Heels99 Fri 12-Jun-15 14:11:03

It's early days, sounds like she sees your dp as your current boyfriend rather than your partner for life, could this be understandable if you have had a previous relationship that didn't work out? Perhaps she doesn't want to get too attached to these kids as they are not her grandchildren?
I had various step parents over the years and didn't really spend time with their parents I.e in a step grandparent situation.

Perhaps invite them all to yours at Xmas or birthday event so that they can meet? I think it's for you to start the ball rolling rather than her invite them to her house when she has never met them.

SoundsLegit Fri 12-Jun-15 14:20:53

Heels - are you mistaking my posts (the first two replies) for OPs? I have two DSC who live with my husband and I, we also have a son together - hence my DSC being my son's half brother and sister.

I don't think the OP mentioned anything about half siblings.

Ludways Fri 12-Jun-15 17:19:45

Is be upset by that, I love my step d and I want my parents to take that into account. Luckily my parents have lovely relationship with her. She isn't always around but when she is it's automatically assumed she's part of the family.

StockingFullOfCoal Sat 13-Jun-15 11:26:02

My MIL has that attitude towards my DDs sad Sunday lunch invites for DH and DSD only. Fortunately DH has always said "There are 5 of us now." And so we have never gone. However sometimes we do send DSS when she has her DGD (our niece) as obviously its nice for MIL to have time with just her Grandkids, like my Dad does with my DDs and DNeph.

I can't wait till we announce our pregnancy hmm Wonder what will happen then... (She doesn't particularly like me, not that I've done anything other than love her son and grandson...)

CandyLane Tue 16-Jun-15 12:13:06

My dad and brother are a bit like this with my DSC too.
My mum is great, will include DSC and always buys them birthday, xmas and easter presents etc.
My mum also appreciates that DSC need some alone time with their dad so will often take my DS (not my DH's child) out for a few hours at the weekends whilst I'm working so they can have their dad to themselves.
My dad bought my DSC xmas presents for the first time this year but I think that was only because he knew they'd be here when he came over.
He's recently booked a weekend away for his birthday for 'all' the family but there was no mention of DSC being invited, the accomodation will sleep 8, not 10 to include DSC. Luckily it falls on a weekend that we don't have DSC but my dad doesn't know that. I don't think he means to exclude them, I think they haven't even entered his mind.
But in his defence he doesn't see them much, on the weekends when we have DSC we often go out for a day or see DH's family and so when we see my dad it's usually without DSC.
My brother is the same too, he would never buy DSC gifts or think to include them in an invitation but again he doesn't see them often.

Melonfool Tue 16-Jun-15 15:50:45

It is hard - my sister's kids are grown up, so when we see them it's either just dsis and bil, or them and two adult niece/nephew, so dss (14) is a bit of an odd one out. So we tend to see them when it's not our weekend with dss. Therefore, they don't know him that well.

We live pretty far away from my dsis, so we can't see her much anyway and it doesn't feel fair to dss to drag him all that way to sit and listen while adults talk [often about politics]. Not that he never sees them but mainly only as part of something else.

Having said that, dsis always buys him a Christmas present, but she has never asked when his birthday is. After 20+ years of buying her kids presents this does gall me a bit. To be fair, we've never done in-law gifts outside of Christmas, so her not buying for dp isn't such a thing.

I get more annoyed with my so-called friend in fact. She has two dc, 9 and 7, and dc1 is my 'godson' (I am not religious, but they are). So, I have been buying both Xmas and birthday gifts for them for 9 years, gifts when they were born etc, and christening gift for gs. I wasn't invited to dc2 christening, which was odd I felt*.

She always makes a big fuss about how much I "spoil" her kids (I spend maybe £40 and £20 on them twice a year, which to me isn't loads), and always says I don't "need" to buy for dc2. I know I don't need to but her protestations are getting on my nerves now. I was the only person who remembered dc2 first birthday, none of her family or her in laws did.

I've been with dp 6 years, she met them probably four years ago. Anyway, 2013 for Christmas, she gave dss a small puzzle thing which had a bit missing (i.e. something her kids had been given, opened, not wanted but she hadn't checked was all complete). Then last year a bar of chocolate. Not a large bar. Not a special bar. A normal bar of chocolate. He doesn't even like chocolate. I don't know how she could be arsed to wrap it. No, they are not short of money - no mortgage, trust fund, husband in a job with 6 figure salary etc.
She's never asked when his birthday is so doesn't send anything then.

They were invited to dp 40th birthday and came, we were not invited to her dp 40th. We invite them dinner/lunch at least once a year and we invite them to our annual bonfire party which they have come to twice in four years. We have also invited them to a few BBQs and my graduation drinks, they've come to one BBQ and were busy at my graduation. But she didn't send a card or anything instead. She didn't send a card when we moved. She didn't come round or anything.

I have given up on her. Now gs gets a card and a £10 book token on his birthday, dc2 gets nothing as she's made it pretty clear he's nothing to do with me. We shan't invite them to anything else. I could cope with all the general rudeness of not being invited back but when she snubbed dss with the last Christmas gift I was livid. I always make him write thank you letters but this time I just couldn't.

* re the Christening of dc2. Around that time I had seen her quite a bit as I was working nearby (we used to live about 50 miles apart, but I worked near her, now I have also coincidentally moved near her, 15 mins drive) and she had said about the christening because she had some emotional resistance to doing it (her mother died the same day as dc1 christening) but needed to get on with it before ds2 was too big for the family christening gown. I remember saying I was looking forward to it, was going to buy a dress etc. So, never got an invite. Then I was round there to visit and mentioned I had quit my job and was taking a month off then going to look for contract work instead, but that I was going to be skint (half joking, I had all my finances covered). She asked me if I was really skint would I like to do the washing up for the christening because they were having it at home with food bought in but would need someone to clear tables and wash up. I was totally gob smacked. I assumed the christening must be family only so asked how many were going - 50! I suggested she asked the teenage girl next door, no, she and her family were invited......Anyway, I declined their offer.

Mommyusedtobecool Tue 16-Jun-15 16:59:01

The vast majority of my mil and fil have only ever met and accepted my 2 DSC not my 3 DS and not our children we have together.
So their loss. They missed the boat on that one now cos Im not going to engage with them very much if they ever do come over.
My family have been very loving and accepting of my DSC so they will reep the reward when they have fond memories of them and not the inlaws!
I've sent many pictures of our DD and DS and not ever had a response. They only communicate with my Dp.
I'm the cool one anyway. So their loss!

LemonYellowSun Tue 16-Jun-15 17:01:00

Wow sad Thats a real shame. I dont blame you for being hurt.

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