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Debt and nightmare ex

(12 Posts)
JakieOH Thu 11-Jun-15 10:25:29

I'm trying to find a way of condensing a very very long story I would like some perspective on.

Basically mu DP and exw had a joint account. When he left she said she would take his name off the account and he took her word for it hmm nearly 2 years later he received a letter from the bank stating his account (he didn't know he had) was Over the arranged overdraft and needed paid!! he didn't have internet banking and she had never mentioned this account to him. She then opened another account with a different bank (not sure how this is even allowed) and told him he would have to pay it!!

Everything we have is in my name as DP was still getting on his feet following the separation, he left with nothing as he didn't want to cause his kids any more upset. I suggested that if she was willing to just ignore this debt that he should do the same, completely irresponsible I know but he wasn't able to pay it himself and she refused to help (it was her spending in his name basically). His concern was at if it escalated and wasn't sorted the banks would effectively take her things to pay it, blacklist her and the kids would loose out.

Eventually she saw sense and they came to an agreement that the money he was giving for the children would be used to pay off this account. She could manage financially and if he agreed to help out ocassionally, pay this account off then resume the maintenance she was happy with that.

It didn't last long though. She started demanding money for all sorts and my DP struggled to get it so I helped out but it became unreasonable. We ended up buying all their Christmas presents, she bought none!! He explained to her that there were 2 payments left on this debt and that as soon as that was paid the maintenance would return to the normal amount.

So now she has gone to the CMS. The amount they have asked my DP to pay is a lot less than what he was paying before and of course she is angry and laying on the guilt! I'm so angry that she has done this despite him and me bailing her out!

DP says he will go back to giving her more than CSA suggested and extras just like before. I'm so angry because while he was paying HER debt I was paying all the bills and giving money for the kids so I'm really out of pocket bac use of it. I wouldn't have minded but her going to the CSA has pissed me right off!!

Am I unreasonable to suggest he pays the amount the CSA are asking and no more?

Sorry it's such a long post, it's such a complicated story!

Wdigin2this Thu 11-Jun-15 11:34:49

Well, she shot herself in the foot by going to the CSA, so I think your DP should simply pay her the reduced amount and inform her (refusing to discuss) that he will, from now on, be putting aside a sum of money each month to pay personally and directly for clothes/school stuff/trips/entertainment etc for his DC, to be spent as and when he sees/thinks necessary! That way, he'll be fulfilling his obligation via the CSA and ensuring his DC don't go without! Yes, she'll kick up a fuss, but the DC's father will be doing right by them...which nobody can argue with!!

yellowdaisies Thu 11-Jun-15 11:51:13

I would suggest he sticks to the CSA amount to the ex and pays off the debt on the joint account himself directly to the bank, closing the account asap. He and his ex are both liable for the debt legally so he may as well clear it himself before she runs it up even further and put it down to experience.

She should not have been able to open another account in their joint names, so he should approach the bank where she has alleged she's done this and clarify whether it's correct or not. If it's true, he should take his name off this account and if she refuses to clear all the debts in it then threaten inform that bank that she set it up fraudulently.

If he can afford to pay for extras for the kids after he's cleared the debts, then he can do so. But separating their finances should be his first priority.

JakieOH Thu 11-Jun-15 12:38:23

No she opened another account in her own name, effectively abandoned that one. This was their joint account when they were married. When they split he wanted his name off it. She said she had contacted the bank and done that but she hadn't, instead continued spending on it until it was out of control! All the statements went to her house so DP knew nothing about it until he got a letter. Had she told him about it he would have helped her dirt it ou but she didn't. It wasn't overdrawn when he left.

He explained the situation to the bank but they just wanted it paid, they didn't care about who'd spent the money. She knew what she was doing snd that he wouldn't just ignore it angry

The debt is will be paid this month and that account closed down. In just pissed off that she was so greedy she went to CSA, she should have been thanking him!! Now she is giving DP earache over the amount the CSA have told him. It is a ridiculously small amount for 2 children, but she made that choice. Grrr!!

JakieOH Thu 11-Jun-15 15:18:01

Thanks for your responses. I'm just so angry about it I wondered wether this was clouding my judgment but I really don't think it is. Surely you shouldn't be able to spend money you don't gave, in someone else's name and just walk away from it shouting how unfair it is. Hopefully she has learned her lesson now! Greed never pays!

yellowdaisies Thu 11-Jun-15 19:27:34

I think your DP was - with hindsight - very unwise to trust her to take his name off the joint account.

But it's kind of come back to bite her as she's learned that the child support amount he was paying her was actually more generous than it needed to be, so now she's losing the money she had been getting off your DP whilst he pays off her debts with the money he's now saving.....

CalicoBlue Thu 11-Jun-15 22:40:27

Only the named person can take themselves off a bank account. The bank does not care, and they would not take her instruction even if she had tried.

If it us upsetting you this much, try and keep out of it. Ideally he would pay her the CSA amount and then buy stuff for the kids himself to make up the difference.

RandomMess Thu 11-Jun-15 22:46:35

If he chooses to pay more than the CMS stipulated amount then good on him but make it a fixed regular amount whether it's an additional £5 or £50 per week is up to him. Do not go down the route of paying for extras or this or that and so on. She gets a fixed amount and she has to live within her budget just as you and your dp have to live within yours.

JakieOH Thu 11-Jun-15 23:59:35

I would love to stay out of it, unfortunately when someone gets your DP into thousands of pounds of debt you will inevitably be brought into it.

crossroads15 Fri 12-Jun-15 10:20:27

I agree he should just pay her the CSA amount and then pay for extras himself, directly and at his discretion.

JakieOH Wed 17-Jun-15 15:03:50

So DP has decided to pay only the CSA money and no extra to his exw. She has gone nuclear and threatening all sorts but she brought it on herself. Be interesting to see what happens when school uniforms are needed, friends birthdays, school trips, new shoes clothes, etc things my DP has always bought. He has opened a savings account for them both instead. Looks like she will have to live within here and for a change, like the rest of the adult population! She will realise how lucky she was before all this and that greed never pays smile

JakieOH Wed 17-Jun-15 15:11:58

I should add that he has given her the option of cancelling the CMS claim and going back to how it was. He is angry that she has made out that he doesn't financially support his DC. Obviously he wouldn't let the children 'go without'. She has the means to pay for these things if she wanted but has never had to. hopefully she will see what it's like to try and manage her money by not using DP as a cash machine!

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