Stepson's girlfriend - WWYD?

[brightreddress]

Hello all,
My 17 year old stepson has been pretty alienated for the last few years. He hasn't visited us in over a year and does not take my DH's phone calls, though sometimes rings up if he needs something expensive. He has been in a lot of trouble, doing badly at school etc.
He has had a girlfriend for the past 6 months and seems to have had a bit of a mood-shift. He has been responding to DH's texts and allegedly being more genial at home. He now wants to visit with his girlfriend. I haven't seen him for over a year and we have two little kids at home. We live a few hours from him so it will be quite hard to come and go in one day, which leaves them staying the night at ours. I'm not sure what I think about this as I have never met her and also am very out of touch with him. Some of the most recent times we have seen him he has been angry, yelling at DH (who hasn't done anything specific to upset him btw, it's just teenage stuff).
What would you do? Welcome them to stay as a couple? Say no to the girlfriend? I think if we do the second one he will get angry and not come. To him he is in love and this is like introducing us to his wife-to-be! Might be normal if we had seen him at all in the past year.

[ImperialBlether]

Is it that he fancies spending a night with her and he's not allowed to at home?

[brightreddress]

No, he is allowed to at home. It is a genuine request, and I guess it's just him playing at being an adult as 17 year olds do. I'm just not sure about saying yes and then the girl is kind of stuck at our house for the night and there's no going back on it. We haven't met her. I don't want a nightmare of them smoking in the front room etc. when we've got a baby upstairs. It is just weird as we are so out of touch.

[ChinUpChestOut]

Is it at all possible for your DH to ask his XW about the relationship, and what they are allowed to do at home?

I think I would say "yes, visit, stay the night - it would be lovely to see you both". His mood-shift may all be down to the girlfriend who may be a good influence on him. He's 17 - if he wants to have sex with her, they are probably already doing it. Do you want to hold off until he turns 18 - really? He's made mistakes, he seems as though he's trying to get back on track and establish a relationship with you all.

[ChinUpChestOut]

And there's no harm in you saying sorry there's no smoking indoors, but you're welcome to outside and there's the ashtray.........

[tumbletumble]

I'd say yes to him and his girlfriend. Have a back up plan to take your DC somewhere outside the house if things start going wrong. If it's a genuine request, you can't really say no, can you? I think you have to try and put the past behind you.

[QuiteLikely5]

I think you should let her stay. It would be, imo quite rude to say she can't stay after them taking all the trouble to visit you given that you live hours away.

Isn't your dh delighted that his son wants to come down or are you getting to call all the shots?

[brightreddress]

Yes he is delighted. It is him that is not sure about it - he thinks try and get them down for the day first, then overnight another time. I'm not sure. Just thought it would be interesting to hear what others would do. As I said in my OP, I'm not sure what to think. I'm not really having any say in it, I'm letting DH choose what happens, but of course I think about it on my own. I have just listened to DH so far.

[brightreddress]

It's useful to hear that you'd all let them stay. I don't have teenagers and so this is as much a parenting question as a step question.

[Melonfool]

I'd let them come and stay but not for the whiole day - so say 'come to supper at 7pm, stay over' then they can poke off at about 10am after breakfast, not too long but long enough for him to show off to his gf what a fab family type of guy he is.

[Wdigin2this]

I agree with Melon, invite them around dinner time, either make an easy dinner like casserole and veg which can be shared, or order T/A food. Also invite them to stay over, one night, but you and your DH must present a very united front on explaining there is absolutely NO smoking allowed in your home!