Just a question.

(30 Posts)
3CheekyLittleMonkeys Mon 08-Jun-15 18:29:50

If your dsc was going on holiday to DisneyWorld with your DP's family, and you have DCs with your DP, would you expect your Dsc to not tell their siblings, who would be gutted that they aren't going too?

If they did end up telling them, how would you cushion the blow for a nearly 6 year old?

katiegg Mon 08-Jun-15 18:34:13

A member of your dp's family is taking some of his children to Disney World, but not taking the others? shock confused

Or have I read that wrongly?

What ages are the step-children?

swingofthings Mon 08-Jun-15 18:40:12

Without knowing the circumstances, it is difficult to suggest how to best approach the situation.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Mon 08-Jun-15 18:42:21

katie That's correct. DSD is going to Florida next October. She will be turning 11 by then. She will be missing school as well as they are going for 3 weeks. If she was my child I wouldn't let that happen.

Anyway, the younger children (mine and DP's) will be nearly 6, nearly 4 and nearly 2. If I'm honest they will be too young to go all that way for that amount of time without me and DP anyway, but they wont understand that I don't think- all they will see is dsd going to disneyland and they aren't. It's Ds1 I feel sorry for the most, as he's always talking about how much he really wants to go to there.

I think it's brilliant that DSD can go, as its such an amazing holiday I've been told. It's most kids' dream to go there. But I was just thinking it would be nice of everyone in the family, including DSD and her cousins, if they just kept it quiet around the boys. What you don't know doesn't harm you and all that...

Melonfool Mon 08-Jun-15 18:50:45

I don't think it's ever right to expect kids to keep secrets, but it does sound like a difficult situation all round. Can't he refuse to allow his child to go unless they are all invited? It's very devisive.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Mon 08-Jun-15 18:52:22

He and his ex have already said yes as (in their words) they would feel really guilty if they had said no.

slkk Mon 08-Jun-15 18:52:37

I would just tell ds he is too young and his time will come.

PandasRock Mon 08-Jun-15 18:54:18

No, it isn't reasonable to expect an excited child to keep quiet about such a trip, especially if it is their first trip. There is no way that it should be kept quiet.

The answer to any envy is simple - your dc are too young to go.

I have step children, and they have done things which my dc have not. My dc have done things which my step children have not. Whilst being part of the same big, blended family, they live in two separate units for the majority of the time and so have different experiences.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Mon 08-Jun-15 19:00:52

So if my parents decided to take my children to Disneyland and not dsd, would they be ok to talk about how excited they are in front of dsd? Genuine question.

PandasRock Mon 08-Jun-15 19:12:13

Yes. I would not expect secrets to be kept either way. That way resentment lies. Keeping it all out in the open is the best thing.

katiegg Mon 08-Jun-15 19:24:14

That seems a bit harsh to take the older children but not the younger ones - but can completely appreciate why the younger children aren't going.

It's hard because the 11 year old is understandably excited and will want to talk about it in the lead up to the holiday and afterwards. She is still quite young herself so I wouldn't expect her to keep something so exciting to herself.

I think being honest with the younger children is probably best. Explain that the eleven year old is going and that they are still too small - even tell them they would be too small for a lot of the rides (true!) and they would enjoy it more if they are bigger and can go on all the rides. Is a trip in the future a possibility?

A sensitive chat with eleven year old that you understand she is excited but that the younger children will be disappointed that they are not going might help. Can you give her money to buy special presents for the younger siblings while she is away? Can you arrange 'fun' things to do while she is away?

Difficult situation for you.

PandasRock Mon 08-Jun-15 19:31:13

Has your dsd been on any other holidays which your dc have not gone on?

If so, this is no different, however exciting the destination.

This will not be the last time that differences arise. You really cannot expect an 11 year old to compartmentalise her life in that way - it's not just the build up, it's the time she is away (where will you say she is?) and when she gets back and cannot describe it or relate her experiences. I can't believe anyone would think it reasonable, tbh.

AlpacaMyBags Mon 08-Jun-15 19:36:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PandasRock Mon 08-Jun-15 19:39:56

Oh, I agree that any member of DP's family should not be being so divisive. It would be different, of course if it were a member of DP's ex's family.

Is this the only instance of your DP's family treating your DC and DSD differently?

But having said that, it is what it is. And it wouldn't be reasonable to ask everyone involved to cover it up.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Mon 08-Jun-15 20:04:25

Dsd has been on one other holiday with DP's family and that was to Mexico in 2013.

Holidays aside, they do treat the boys different to dsd. Very much so. Even down to ringing up to ask how dsd is but not the boys.

I really do think that when the boys are older they will not get the same opportunity as dsd. I know financial situations/ health etc.. can change though, but if DP's parents are still in the same circs by then, they won't give their younger grandchildren the same opportunity to go to DisneyWorld.

They have never bothered so far to try and develop a relationship with the boys. Everything is always centered around the older grandchildren. I know I come across as bitter about that, but they don't ever think about considering the boys in anything. Even just spending some quality one on one time at home with the younger ones, getting to know them and developing a bond with them- because the older ones need their time instead.

<shrugs> Their loss. They have my family.

PandasRock Mon 08-Jun-15 20:15:48

If this is likely to be an ongoing problem (and believe me, I have been there. Apparently I am not PIL's 'proper' DIL - that would be Dh's ex. And our dc are not as much PIL's grandchildren as dh's dc are. One of my BIL doesn't view our dc as his nieces/nephews, only dh's dc, etc) then you have to begin minimising the impact. You have to make it not matter, and secrecy is no way to do that - that would give dsd and their cousins a huge amount of power in the situation. You have to work out a way forward which will impact on your boys the least.

It's not easy. But teaching them to be genuinely happy for others is a big life skill.

Good luck.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Mon 08-Jun-15 20:20:17

You have to make it not matter, and secrecy is no way to do that - that would give dsd and their cousins a huge amount of power in the situation.

Wow I never saw it that way. You are so right.

I'm sorry to hear you have shitty ILs too.

PandasRock Mon 08-Jun-15 20:27:32

Oh, it genuinely doesn't bother me anymore. They are not worth my time, and certainly not worth my dc's time. We are virtually no contact now, after a string of issues. They haven't even met their youngest grandchild, after refusing to slightly alter plans (which in no way inconvenienced them, they just wouldn't countenance doing it any way other than their way) so that we could travel to where they were (it's conplicated, but 2 of my DC have SN, so we need to take that into account at times). Again, their loss.

Dd2 asked me last year 'mummy, who is my grandma?' after a grandparents day at her school (her great uncle went so she had someone of the right generation attend!). She couldn't even remember her even when we got the photo albums out - that's how much they bother with my DC!

But, back to your situation, try to make sure the cousins all keep on an even keel. It's not their fault that their grandparents are being petty and divisive. And what child would turn down a visit to Disneyworld? Keep it out in the open, as it's the best chance of retaining goid relations between the cousins.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Mon 08-Jun-15 20:48:45

Oh that's so sad sad Your poor DCs. You sound better off without them all tbh- and they don't deserve to have your DCs in their lives. They're the ones missing out!

Like you I'm past trying to maintain a relationship. I've tried in the past to and they wouldn't make any effort, so I gave up.

Despite the zero effort and zero interest in her younger grandchildren, DP's mum is still bitter and jealous about the fact that the boys are close to my dad, who has made an effort with all 3 from day one. She's had plenty of opportunities to develop that same relationship, but she chose to ignore it. All her own doing. And one day when the older ones are more interested in their friends, she might just live to regret not having a bond with the younger ones and they'd rather be with my dad instead.

CandyLane Mon 08-Jun-15 23:15:31

3Monkeys- i thknk I've mentioned this before to u but my MIL takes DH's elder two away quite often without taking our two.

I think it's not DSD's fault that her grandparents aren't treating their DGC's fairly and I don't think it's fair to ask DSD to sensor every word she says in case she mentions it by acxident. But I would ask her to not rub it in their faces.

crossroads15 Tue 09-Jun-15 06:24:47

I wouldn't give my DSD that kind of power. Inevitable that she'd use it.... Thank God I'm not in that kind of position. What are your in-laws thinking? They must realise that kind of behaviour is ultimately going to cause resentments within the family and between the children themselves. Any chance of you managing a little trip for just you and the boys while she's away? Day trip to Legoland for DS1?

slkk Tue 09-Jun-15 07:19:40

My dsc' s dgm used to take the older dgc away and leave dss. Sometimes it really is just a matter of age.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Tue 09-Jun-15 08:17:26

That's really sad that your kids get left out. I'd hate to think that dps or my family would do such a thing.

However you can't tell or ask dsd to keep it a secret. You could ask her to try and not mention it but inevitably she is going to be excited.

I would just not mention the holiday. Talk about other things.

Explain to your boys that they are still a bit young and maybe in the future they will get the opportunity to go.

Don't stress about it. It's a crap situation and it's not the kids fault or yours.

I think your dp should maybe have said no to dsd going but what's done is done. Xx

anon33 Tue 09-Jun-15 08:44:52

I was going to say that is very unfair until I saw the ages of your children. My own mother (never mind MIL or SIL) would not dream of taking a 6 year old (or younger) for 3 weeks, but an 11 year old is fine. I assume also that the DSD has cousins her own age so she will be company for them?

OP save from now and when yours are all old enough take them to Disney.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Tue 09-Jun-15 09:19:32

Now that I have thought about it, I don't want it to be kept a secret. As a couple of people have said, dsd and her cousins should not be given that kind of power over the situation. I'm crazy for even suggesting the secrecy to be honest! I'd rather my children knew from the start and they know that I was open and honest about it all. I'd rather have it that way, rather than them finding out years down the line about a "dirty little secret" about their sister going on holiday to DisneyWorld and they didn't, without them knowing the reason why.

I know that dsd will be excited so I don't want to squish that excitement for her, but all I want is for her to not rub it in their faces. She has a brother at her mum's as well so her mum and her DP will probably expect her not to rub it in his face either. You know what I mean, "haha in going to Disney world and you're not" that type of thing.

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