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Ex wont let me meet his new partner although she is caring fir ds and dd

(42 Posts)
lucinda33 Tue 02-Jun-15 23:36:58

Hello everyone

Just hoping for some advice/ thoughts please !

I split from my ex 3 years ago we have two children and share parenting alternate weeks , I left due to historic domestic abuse .

My ex has been in a new relationship for just over a year and from what Dd and ds say she seems very nice , I have been in a new relationship for two years and ex has met my new partner a few times etc as we now live together with the children when they are with me

I asked ex if maybe I could meet up with his new partner ,only because she has now moved in with ex and is looking after children on occasion. I m not expecting happy families or to be her best friend but thought it may help her to know me a little and vice versa in case she ever needs to get in touch 're children

Ex has stated she doesnt want to meet me and I'm not important in his view but I'm not sure how much of this is his words, I've only seen her twice briefly to pick up children and there's no issue from my point of view . I know that legally the children are in his care and I can't force someone to meet me , she doesn't have children but it feels odd not knowing anything about her :/

I thought about contacting her directly but he won't pass on telephone , avoids contact at all costs , I could turn up on spec but don't want to make a massive issue on his doorstep (he'd refuse to let me in ) I know a lot of this is down to his control issues and I'm not interested in discussing any aspect of my relationship with him this is just about the children who seem ok and happy with her if a bit bemused why we're never allowed to speak !

So do I pursue this or chill out and Assume if she ever needs to discuss anything shed get in touch
Ex feels all discussions 're children have to go through him

Melonfool Wed 03-Jun-15 00:01:39

Chill out, why would she ever need to discuss anything? Kid stuff is between you and him, nothing to do with her.

I have happily avoided the ex having my phone number for six years now and she's been asking for it for three years. I just don't think there is any value in her contacting me directly. And it would let dp off the hook of dealing with planning etc. I certainly don't want to make all that my responsibility.

But he will doubtless have nefarious reasons for not wanting you to speak to her, but it's really not your issue. And do try not to grill the kids about her, it's so undignified.

lucinda33 Wed 03-Jun-15 07:13:40

Hello thanks for taking the time to reply !

I agree child arrangements are between me and the ex and I'd never grill the children as its nothing to do with me , however they do talk about what they've done when they are at home and I wouldn't want them to feel like they couldn't do that either

I'm just not sure how I feel about someone I literally know nothing about bringing up the children . Ex has already left them overnight with new partner whilst at work / out and she's taken Dd out for days by herself, I guess it was this type of situation I thought she may need to contact me if she could not get in touch

Ex was insistent on meeting my new partner by himself and even sent his dad round to discuss my partner with me ! I'm not suggesting anything of the sort just a hello here's my number , I'm approachable if you need to get in touch kind of thing !

I would never choose a childcare provider without knowing something about them first but then I guess it would have to be pretty drastic for me to have any say in any issues and I'm sure she's fine

PeruvianFoodLover Wed 03-Jun-15 07:24:29

lucinda My ex and I co-parent 50:50 and we have had a "right of first refusal" arrangement for overnights For a number of years - if he's not going to be at home, he asks if DD can come here before relying on his DW to take responsibility for her. I don't always say yes, and DD does choose to spend time with her SM occasionally - but it does mean I can plan my time with DD in mind if I know ex is going to be away; rather than discover retrospectively (as I did a few years ago) that both ex and I were out of the country and not easily contactable.

Could you and your ex agree something similar? It would have to be two-way, though; do you leave your DCs in your DPs care overnight at any time?

tribpot Wed 03-Jun-15 07:33:58

Please tell me you didn't allow your ex to meet your DP on his own! Why?!

How old are the children, could they have devices so they can get hold of you independently of ex/ex's DP?

IDontDoIroning Wed 03-Jun-15 07:38:52

He didn't need to meet your new partner or get his dad to vet him. I think this has made you feel somehow that you should be afforded the same when I fact it wad inappropriate and shouldn't have happened.
You can't turn back the clock but you may want to reconsider your boundaries where they concern your ex going forward.

ltk Wed 03-Jun-15 07:39:07

If he lets her meet you she will find out you are not the bitch he always told her.

YonicScrewdriver Wed 03-Jun-15 07:41:48

She may well have your number. Can you teach the kids your number just in case?

lucinda33 Wed 03-Jun-15 07:43:57

Hello both smile

Yes Peruvian foodlover (great name !) I did suggest that and always go to ex first if I need cover . 9 times out of 10 he refuses though ! He doesn't extend the same courtesy however and doesn't like me to know what he's doing


Yes he did meet my dp twice on his own ! And a couple of times before that when I was there , why not ? I don't hide anything from my dp and if I'd blocked this I would have been the unreasonable one , my dp was ok with this they mainly talked about a way forward with the house

Ds (13) has a phone but ex controls it so he doesn't always have it , I do message ds on occasion ds is 8 so nothing there but I try to be respectful when they are at their dads , as that's his time

lucinda33 Wed 03-Jun-15 07:44:51

Sorry Dd is 8 !

Grumpyoldbiddy Wed 03-Jun-15 07:47:54

I don't think you are unreasonable to want to meet her, of course his concern is you talking to her about what an arse he is.

I'd talk to him again, explain again that you don't want to meet her alone or formally but just when you / they are dropping kids or collecting them. So that the kids see you all getting on and that in a situation where there might be an issue if she can't get hold of exDH she feels ok to contact you. You will need to make it clear that it's purely about developing good relationships for the kids and you are not vetting her to see if she is suitable even though you are

lucinda33 Wed 03-Jun-15 08:10:33

Thanks for all the inputs . I'd never talk to her about him , that would be a recipie for disaster ! The dropping off / picking up is a good idea but he always makes sure she's not there , im sure he is worried what I could say ( but won't ) hopefully he has a different relationship with her which is more positive

Good idea about teaching the kids my number , thank you

Given the age of the kids I just think it will get more awkward as time goes on but I guess I'll just continue to be pleasant and maybe she will get to a point she might want to say hello

ChinUpChestOut Wed 03-Jun-15 08:20:51

I have never met my ex's DW. They have been married now for 9 years. She doesn't want to meet me.

DS stays with them and at times I have picked him up from their place. She has always made herself absent - urgent need to go to the supermarket for example. DH and I have invited them (and their young DC) out to lunch - they are busy. We have a very good relationship with my DH's ex and her DH.

My ex and I split up before my DS was born, but we've always got on pretty well since then. He and my DH are perfectly able to get along whenever we've swung by his house to pick up DS - invites us in and happily offers us coffee etc. But although his DW is apparently very nice to my DS, she wants nothing to do with me or my DH. I've had to let it go. and try not to think about what my ex might have said about me

JakieOH Wed 03-Jun-15 09:10:18

To be honest it's not his choice it's up to her if she wants to meet you? My DPs exw wanted to meet me before I met the kids. DP said it was entirely up to me and that I didn't have to. He was right but I thought I would show a willingness to cooperate so I met her. eish I hadn't bothered as she has turned out to be total control freak and quite a bitch regardless, but at least I know I tried

If exh isn't taking you on if would speak to her directly. I hated it when my DPs ex used to phine him and discuss me!! It's entirely up to this woman what she does not her DP and you x

AddictedtoGreys Wed 03-Jun-15 09:26:59

i don't blame you for wanting to meet her, I would want to meet the person who was having regular contact with my child and who was having an input to their upbringing. I offered to meet my DH ex before I met DSD but she flat refused. then gave me a couple of years of hell!

Maybe83 Wed 03-Jun-15 10:34:16

I think that most successful co parenting and blended families the adults act like adults. That means being civil respectful of each persons role in creating that for the children involved. So saying hi being non confrontational at collection/drops of. You don't need to be best friends, socialise etc.

As your ex is difficult no doubt that has effected her opinion of you. Just keep going, leave the door open that she may feel comfortable in the future.

Melonfool Wed 03-Jun-15 11:40:11

" they mainly talked about a way forward with the house "

Sorry - what? Your abusive ex-husband and your current dp met and mainly discussed a way forward with the house? Your house, presumably?

If this is the joint family home, it's nothing to do with dp. Does exh think only men can deal with such matters? I really hope dp didn't get too involved in all that.

I really do understand that parents want to know who is looking after their children but having split from the other parent and them having a new relationship I think you do just have to suck it up. The alternative [assuming they don't want to meet you, their reasons being their own] is not allowing the children to go there and that's not going to help anyone. You have to trust the other parent to have done the right vetting and, if you don't trust the other parent [perfectly understandable in many circumstances of course] then that's a different issue.

My dp's last gf (after ex-w and before me) met the ex-w, they went out for a drink. Admittedly gf was nuts and it was still quite soon after the split. But anyway, gf sent a text to a friend after the evening saying she had met her and how she didn't like her and that she was a 'very silly woman' or something. Yep, you guessed, she sent it to the ex- by mistake. It really never went well after that smile

JakieOH Wed 03-Jun-15 12:19:08

Melon, the alternative you say isn't an alternative at all. I looked into this as my DPs ex threatened that she would not allow him to see the children while I was here unless we both did as she wanted! i was really concerned about this and did a bit if digging. A parent with care can not legally stop their exS new partner seeing the children while they are with NRP unless there is a valid concern about their safety around him/her.

I was quite surprised about it to be honest, it must be pretty awful to loose control over who is around and involved with your children, but even if you meet her and can't stand her there isn't an awful lot you can do about it. Perhaps it's best just to leave ur x

Melonfool Wed 03-Jun-15 12:24:36

I know it's not a legal alternative, but in the real world obviously it happens a lot and the courts are actually ineffective in ensuring contact - how could they ensure it? There are reports of many cases where the NRP is not given the access the court decrees.

I'm not suggesting for one minute it is right - hence I said the OP needs to just let it go.

theendoftheendoftheend Wed 03-Jun-15 12:35:16

I'd want to have met the parents of DC left in my care tbh, and vice versa. As ltk said upthread I wouldn't be surprised at all if he's painted you very badly to her. I remember the first time I met ex's first gf, she looked scared witless I felt really sorry for her.
I would take some comfort from the age of your DC though, they are old enough to remember your contact number themselves etc.

JakieOH Wed 03-Jun-15 13:12:30

True but thankfully we didn't have to peruse it!

Id agree melon, if I was OP I'd just try and accept it, there's nothing you can do. If the step parent doesn't want to meet you and the kids are happy then that's the main thing. obsessing over it will only upset you and no one else

lucinda33 Wed 03-Jun-15 16:06:21

Good advice everyone , melon just to be clear there's no way I'd have let the men have a chat about the house as "mans business " not when I earn more than both of them ;)! it followed on from a discussion I'd had with ex about dp coming on the mortgage so he could come off

I know there's nothing legally I can do and I'd never stop the kids seeing their dad , yes God knows what kind of monster I've been made into ! Just leave the door open I guess

Melonfool Wed 03-Jun-15 16:21:00

I've met the ex-w, originally mainly via drop off etc (I do think the person who disappears at drop off time in the post above is a bit odd) but a few years ago all five of us (the two sets of adults and the dss) got together for a meal for dss's birthday. I was fine about doing it though I wasn't very interested in it, and dss didn't seem that keen on the idea. I can't recall whose idea it was now. It went OK but not terribly well - they're just not people I want to hang out with. ex-w had ordered a bottle of wine when we arrived and I 'had' to share it - but it was wine I don't like, so that was a bit annoying.

We have had a few chats on the doorstep about recent events, especially as his behaviour has got tricky lately. Mainly he lets himself in now, or if we go round there I tend to wait in the car.

Then a week or so ago dss was supposed to be coming here from school but got muddled (yeah, right, little sod) and went to his mum's. I had to go and pick him up and he wasn't there but she was [odd, since the reason he was coming to us was because she was at work...] and so we had a cup of tea while dp got hold of dss, sent him back to his mum's [he'd gone to a mate's] so I could bring him back to ours.

That's the longest I've spent with her on her own, though we weren't on our own long as her friend's child turned up as he apparently goes there when his mum isn't in (while her child comes to us because she's 'working''s all very odd isn't it? To be fair, she did say she was going to get a fake tan). We only talked about dss and his recent issues and how we might be handling them. She certainly prefers me to previous gf of dp, and to dp I think!

Lolimax Wed 03-Jun-15 16:28:21

As a step parent there are times I very happily have responsibility for my 'bonus baby' (he's 12) if his dad is working shifts etc...but I have no legal rights towards him. So god forbid what happens if he falls or needs medical attention and I can't get hold of his dad? That's why I have the ex's number so I can get hold of her in an emergency. She knows and respects that and as a mum myself I believe that's how it should be.

Melonfool Wed 03-Jun-15 16:53:59

I don't think you need to have any 'legal rights' if he falls etc. No different to if he was being looked after by a friend, neighbour, his mate's mum, his aunt etc.

Yes, useful to have the parent contact. I can always use dss's phone if something happens to contact the mother.

The reason she keeps asking for my number is to sort out contact dates, but I honestly think he should be doing that. Albeit caused a lot of arguments at the start because he didn't do it, or did it and didn't tell me what the agreement was and I never knew who was going to be in the house when I came home from work, which I don't mind now and then as I know things change but all the time was doing my head in. Having NOT stepped in and taken it over myself, he has got better at it now.

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