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Older SS wanting to come home! Palpitations!

(11 Posts)
Foxty Thu 28-May-15 09:27:39

My SS ( he's not a DSS!) wants to come back to live with us. He's 20. His father wants him to. I Don't!
He moved out a few months ago after years of fights about not paying keep, not helping round house, leaving the bathroom in a disgusting state, coming in late and waking us up, smoking weed, damaging things, shouting and swearing at his father, missing work, even etc etc. you get the picture.
This is a repeat cycle that has gone on for three years. He behaves like this, I get upset and tell him I won't tolerate it, he leaves for a few months. Then his father allows him to gradually wheedle his way in again and so it starts again.
I have said I will be prepared to have a meet to discuss house rules, and then consider having him back for a trial period. How do I get him and his father to agree to this? I know nothing will change and he will be the same as before. My DH is the ultimate optimist and has endless love and patience for his son. He thinks things will be fine.
I can't cope with this any longer, I suffer from mild depression and anxiety that I have been battling for 10 years and finally got some control over and I know that having SS home will trigger all that upset again.
I have sold my house to invest in this home and spent six years making it nice. SS treats the place like a doss hole. I can't bear to go through another period of carnage with him. DH sides with SS. My options are to put up or move out. Neither seem fair.
Any suggestions, advice or coping mechanisms please, Mums?! sad

Wdigin2this Thu 28-May-15 10:29:40

Good Lord, no wonder your depressed! Well, of course your DH has endless love for him...it's his son, but you are his wife, so your feelings are important too! If this man (he's not a child) is really this bad, it must make life intolerable for you, I know I couldn't cope with it! If you're sure nothing will have changed if he comes back to live with you, then this is no time for trial runs, you need to sit DH down and tell him straight, you have tried more than once to live with his DS, it didn't work before it won't work this time, and you're not prepared to have your life turned upside down again! I would normally say, avoid ultimatums like the plague, but your DH needs to get his priorities right, he's not helping his son by enabling this kind of behaviour. Tell him you will help DS get work/place to live/better life....anything, but you will not tolerate him destroying your peaceful enjoyment of your home again! Good luck!

whiteiris Thu 28-May-15 10:51:23

No no no! That's not an OK way to live. Time to stick to your guns.

MyCatIsAGit Thu 28-May-15 14:37:05

I feel so sorry for you. Stick to your guns, as Wdigin says - sit down with your husband and explain that it's your home too and his son needs to face up to being an adult.

MeridianB Thu 28-May-15 19:05:11

I'm in total agreement with Widgin on this, OP. A trial period is now is like the trial separation you ask for to soften the blow of a split; it's just prolonging the awkwardness.

You are not being unreasonable so don't let anyone make you feel that you are. Even without your depression, the way your SS treats your home would be unacceptable. Stand firm. Oh, and flowers

MeridianB Thu 28-May-15 19:05:57

Just a thought - can he live with his mum instead? Or is that where he is now?

TheMummalo Thu 28-May-15 19:20:32

Another NO NO NO!!

Both your SS and DH want to play this game again, the deal would be broken.

Put your foot down or end it. Not hard I know sad

TheMummalo Thu 28-May-15 19:21:53

Sorry was meant to say

If both your SS and DH want to play this game again, the deal would be broken.

Foxty Thu 28-May-15 19:50:50

Thank you for your comments ladies (and flowers! Xx) No SS doesn't live with his mother because she can't tolerate him either! He's dossing at a mates at the moment.
Talking to DH about this causes horrible rows. He says I should interact with SS and tell him how I feel. I have done in the past and he knows how I feel so I am not up for working myself into a state and confronting SS again. I feel DH should lay down the rules. It's his son!
Anyway, it's heartbreaking for me because I love DH dearly. I even quite like SS, just can't live with him as we have been doing. There is also a SD. She's just as bad, tho younger! She'll be wanting to come back soon too. Just can't bear the thought!
What a waste if we split up over this! We have a lovely home and a great life. Why can't DH see? It totally destroys my self esteem.

MeridianB Thu 28-May-15 20:04:06

I really feel for you. It sounds as if DP is keen to paint you as the 'bad guy' including asking you to say no to SS. Presumably he doesn't mind SS's bad behaviour and so thinks you are overreacting?

Does your DP really know what potential damage this could do to your relationship (ie that you might leave)? Can you have a calm talk with him and ensure that he knows?

As Widgin said earlier, ultimatums are to be avoided but this may just be the exception.

You're not being selfish. You need to protect your health and you deserve to be happy in your own home.

Wdigin2this Fri 29-May-15 11:03:43

I really feel for you too Foxty, i would be desperately unhappy with this arrangement too! And I don't believe your DH is OK with it either, he like my DH just cannot bear to be the bad guy in his DC's lives, so he agrees to anything they want rather than face up to reality! I know it's not a popular term, but DisneyDad describes the attitude perfectly!
You really, really need to say an emphatic NO to this, state your (very relevant) reasons, then just refuse to discuss it further! If SS actually moves in against your wishes...go on domestic strike, do absolutely nothing for either of them, and move the TV into a room for your use only!! Childish...maybe, but if he gets nothing to eat and no clothes laundered, he may move out again, and it'll teach DH you mean what you say!

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