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feeling heart broken over 3.5 year old sd

(13 Posts)
proudmummywife Wed 27-May-15 00:13:36

My sd and I have been close since she was a baby always wanted one on one time with me. I've always treated her equal to my two boys so she doesn't feel left out, lately she been saying things like I only love my mummy and next she be saying to me I love you so much. Then 'I want to go home' I'd say ok I'm take you home and she would snap no my daddy take me home.
When we had our baby she started crying after I said I loved her she said only my mummy and daddy love me you don't love me. Dh asked where she got this from she said her mummy told her.
last couple weeks her mum has had new baby and sd being cheeky to me and dictating who lifts her from her mum's and who leaves her home , I had to lift her while back as she wouldn't come with Dh. Then that stopped when she wouldn't come with me mum was heavily pregnant and her mum wanted me to force her but I said it wasn't my place so her mum said she will text xx (my Dh) Tell him lift her for now on as he would force her.
It's since then sd has been rude and talking back she don't like my house or my car (I have a lovely house lol)
Today she walked in I was so pleased to see her I gave big hello with my arms out she stared trough me then turned away spoke to my dad and my kids. I then asked her did she want some pizza she stared at me again wouldn't answer so I asked Dh to ask and she said yes to him. I wouldn't mind but she was so happy with everyone but blanked me. Later she asked her dad for drink he said no u had one so she asked me only reason she spoke to me and I said in wee minute she then raised her eyebrow tilted her head and with pure attitude said I only love my mummy. I don't know why she has started comparing us I never tried be her mum nor would I speak bad of her to child. it seems like she feels she betraying her mum by being nice to me she normally sits on my knee and wants lifted constantly to nearly hating me??
the question is do you think someone is putting it in her head or is it normal for loving 3.5 year old sd to turn on step mum?
Her mum and dad was a one night thing so she doesn't know mum and dad to be a family. She's only known me and her dad as a unit.

proudmummywife Wed 27-May-15 00:14:29

Sorry for spelling errors on phone and crying. Am I being stupid?

butterflyballs Wed 27-May-15 00:27:33

No you aren't being stupid but it's not the childs fault. Obviously she's getting told stuff by her mum and on top of that is dealing with new siblings which must be really hard for her.

Your dp needs to talk to her mum and get this sorted before the kid is messed up for life. And the child needs boundaries, not being able to dictate who drives her or who she gets food from. In other words, all the adults in her life need to back each other up and reassure the child that rules are the same everywhere and that she is loved by you all.

proudmummywife Wed 27-May-15 00:47:03

I know it's not the child's fault but Dh has asked her before not to be putting nonsense in her head and she got nasty. Dh hates confrontation or conflict so he said he not sure if they are sayin stuff about me as what would they have against me. eg I lifted ad one day and she ran out with arms out shouting yea and bounced into my arms, her mum had face lol thunder and said I reassured her you are taking her straight to her daddy. Does she think just daddy plays looks after her? It usually me she wants we had to take her days I'm off work as she cried on Dh whole time asking for me. Her mum seems to resent me having a close relationship with sd. Her granny always told me sd was excited when she hears I'm lifting her but some how mum feels need to reassure her for big bad step mum hmm

butterflyballs Wed 27-May-15 00:51:26

That's a shame because she needs reassurance from her mum about you, not making you out to be the bad one. It seems she has gone home and said I love sm and mum has been hurt by this.

All you can do is reassure her and get your dp to try again with her mum and say it's upsetting sd and leaving her confused.

proudmummywife Wed 27-May-15 01:04:45

Mum will only deny this and cause Her send Nasty messages and Dh says he just glad he gets her as much he wants. One month ago I was sd best friend loved cuddles with me and doing hairs and discos in living room now she completely changed toward me. Last time Dh did speak to her and she got defensive and angry but there was no more of the child saying I didn't love her. Dh has lots he needs to say regarding child but he refuses to rock the boat.

size4riggerboots Wed 27-May-15 03:28:55

As a fellow confused and lost SM, I can only really offer hugs right now, but hugs are good, have as many as you need. And maybe some wine

Mrsstarlord Wed 27-May-15 07:56:42

Poor kid is confused, sounds like mum is feeding her lies and the arrival of new babies means that she is being replaced (in her head) so she is using strategies to try and control you (maybe because it's you she feels safest with testing out).
This will pass, just be consistent and calm with her, reinforce the truth 'I love you, it makes me sad when you say those things'. Things will get better brew cake

Wdigin2this Fri 29-May-15 11:42:43

Was she the baby of the family before the new siblings were born? If so, then maybe she just doesn't like being 'replaced' as she may see it! If the mother is feeding her this stuff, then she should be downright ashamed of herself, I can never understand any parent using their DC as pawns, it causes them so much anguish!

riverboat1 Fri 29-May-15 12:41:31

This must be really hard, I'm so sorry.

I am not an expert, but I'd try to believe she is subconsciously testing your love for her, due to mum and birth of new siblings putting it in doubt. Remain loving but firm in the face of it, and hopefully this phase will pass. I think you've had some good advice already. Good luck!

Reekypear Fri 29-May-15 12:49:32

She's 3.5 her parents have split, now with other partners, step siblings and both parents have new baby's....she's bouncibg between both sets for custody, no matter how nice people are...that's a fucking head wreck to a small child, and tha fact she is doing so well is amazing.

proudmummywife Fri 29-May-15 20:37:56

Her mum and dad was a one night thing so they never split cos weren't together in first place. She knows no different to me and her dad as I've known her from a young baby. She is on her third night and she is stuck to me like glue and constantly saying 'I love you proud' . It's only when she first comes she acts strange towards me in our opinion it's mum puts it in her head and Its st fresh and next day I'm best thing since sliced bread.

Reekypear Fri 29-May-15 20:42:21

bless her, just accept what she gives, don't worry about the rest.

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