ex wife has arranged 'family'day out - should i feel annoyed?

(250 Posts)
tggirl Fri 22-May-15 16:20:29

Bit of background- my partner and I have been together for 4 and a half years, I have 2 children in their late teens he has a son who is turning 6. Son lives with partner's ex wife and her boyfriend and he stays with us every other weekend.

It's his 6th birthday next month and as he is into lego we thought for his birthday treat we'd take him to Legoland the weekend before his birthday which is when he's with us. We've got the tickets several months ago and all is good.

Several weeks ago ex asked my partner if he'd give her a hand with the birthday party for a few hours, she was going to book a local activity centre for about 10 children and as her partner was away that weekend she needed help, this seemed a reasonable request so he agreed and I didn't mind. A few days later she texted to say son didn't want a party he wanted to go to Chessington instead and wanted Daddy to come as well. I wasn't happy with this plan and said so to my partner who said he think about it before replying

Fast forward to the other day when partner informs me he is going to Chessington with ex and son. I explained I wasn't happy and he should have discussed it with me before making the decision, after all he is spending the day with son prior to his birthday and son could have one to one special time with Mum the following week. Partner isn't happy about that as he said son specifically wanted him to spend the day with him and mummy and he didn't want to let him down.

Am I bad for thinking this is unacceptable on several counts or is this what other people do with their exs and children. I would never have considered this when my children were smaller. I am so annoyed with the ex wife as im sure she is playing some sort of game.

Please let me know what you think and if i should go cap in hand and apologise to my partner for being so cross about this.

SurlyCue Fri 22-May-15 16:23:33

You are angry that your partner is responding to his 6 year old's request to spend time with him on his birthday? Is that right?

IMurderedStampyLongnose Fri 22-May-15 16:29:36

I know it's not AIBU,but YABU!Very unreasonable,it's brilliant that your partner and ex are able to do this for their son.Of course he should go.Is there a specific reason why you don't want this to happen?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Fri 22-May-15 16:34:15

Why would you care that they are taking their child out for his birthday, after bring married to the child's dad for four years? Aren't all thise years together proof that he is doesn't love the woman he divorced so many years ago.

Honestly woman, get a grip, You sound awful!

SurlyCue Fri 22-May-15 16:34:55

Is there a specific reason why you don't want this to happen?

Jealousy
Possessive nature
Insecurity
Immaturity

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Fri 22-May-15 16:37:21

With regards to your last question, I know a lot of divorced people and ALL of them get together with the children and the other parent from time to time, particularly when it comes to special occasions.

I'm actually quite surprised it has not happened in 4 years.

monkeysaymoo Fri 22-May-15 16:38:22

YABU he only sees his dad two weekends a month, begrudging him an extra day out with him is very mean spirited.

Pinkandpurplehairedlady Fri 22-May-15 16:45:02

We still do family days with my Ex. The children ask for them sometimes and I don't understand why it would be an issue?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Fri 22-May-15 16:45:28

Hmmm I think as you don't have children together it might be acceptable.
Me and DP have 3 children together, been together 6 years and his ex has a partner and a son with him. Family days out are me, DP, the boys and dsd or DP's ex, her DP, dsd and their DS. Not DP, his ex and dsd as it's not that simple to just do that.

Reginafalangie Fri 22-May-15 16:51:21

I still have the occasionally family day with the children and the ex.

Sorry and I know it is difficult but he is not doing this so he can spend quality time with his ex he is doing it so he can celebrate with his son.

I think this is something you are just going to have to deal with. Don't let the resentment/jealousy/anger eat away at you otherwise it could cause issues in your relationship. End of the day your DP is doing nothing wrong. It's Chessington not a romantic break for 2.

tggirl Fri 22-May-15 16:56:08

Obviously i do need to get a grip and allow them their family day. Precisely the reason i posted the question to see if i was being unreasonable. Thanks for the replies I will now apologise to partner for being a Cow and meanspirited and let him go off and enjoy his family time

Flissity83 Fri 22-May-15 17:02:45

I think it's ok to feel jealous and left out - that's a natural reaction. But like the others have said, it's not about you unfortunately.

Is there anyway you could go with them?

Mandatorymongoose Fri 22-May-15 17:03:37

It's not his 'family time' it's his sons family time. Maybe thinking about it like that will make it feel better for you?

CinnabarRed Fri 22-May-15 17:05:55

That was a very gracious response OP.

smile

donemekmelarf Fri 22-May-15 17:08:45

Is there anyway you could go with them?

This is what I would do.

AGirlCalledBoB Fri 22-May-15 17:08:47

I think it is very sad if a 6 year old cannot have both his parents there for a birthday treat because his stepmum does not allow it. It's great that they get along so well to be able to do that, my parents could not be in the same room and it was just awful. Let your stepson enjoy his birthday with his parents, I see why you may be jealous but ultimately you may find there are many other occasions where your ds's wants just his parents and not you, graduation for example, the top table at his wedding. You should have faith in your partner. Let your stepson enjoy his day and don't give your partner grief for it, he is doing the right thing by his son.

lunar1 Fri 22-May-15 17:12:22

Your feelings are completely normal. Insecurity is completely normal even in the most stable relationships. Only on MN are you some kind of jealous nutter if something like this bothers you, in real like it's completely normal.

Ultimately though I think it's about the child and he will enjoy a birthday treat with his parents. You are not being a cow, you asked a question and are going to go with the majority.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile Fri 22-May-15 17:12:31

What did you say to the ex wife about it?

Lioninthesun Fri 22-May-15 17:18:49

Believe me, if he wanted nothing to do with his son that would be hugely unattractive and you wouldn't want to be with the man. This is one of his GOOD points, don't berate him for it.

tggirl Fri 22-May-15 17:24:04

Strangely enough i posted same thing on another forum and they thought the opposite to all of you, that's life!smile

I'm not a horrible person, just a mum still getting to grips with all this step parenting/ shared parenting. I should have mentioned that I look after him everyday after school and during the holidays while Mum and Dad work and Dad drops him home after tea.Perhaps my first post here should have been for something less provocative

Reginafalangie Fri 22-May-15 17:27:20

I think your post was fine smile

It isn't easy being a parent let alone a SP! Especially when you have such an involvement with your SDC. Maybe you and DP can take him out and celebrate also that way you don't miss out.
I know in some situations the SM tagging along is just not possible.

hesterton Fri 22-May-15 17:32:59

What a shame you aren't invited too. You're part of his family as well.

AGirlCalledBoB Fri 22-May-15 17:34:02

I think it's fine what you are feeling but what can you do, your dsd wants to spend his birthday with both his parents, and he should be able to do that. Would you rather he was in the middle of his arguing parents?
You should feel pleased your oh is so involved in his son's life because some dads on here have contact denied and would do anything to spend their kids birthday's with them. Look to the positives of this and be happy your stepson will have a awesome birthday happy with his parents for one day. That's all it is, just one day.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Fri 22-May-15 17:35:48

Wow that's really kind of you to look after DSS after school. I hope his mum is very grateful for that.

ltk Fri 22-May-15 17:36:19

I have friends who do this - mummy and daddy, 3 years divorced, go on family outings. It has been terrible for their dc
They are so confused - yeah maybe mummy and daddy will get back together (no chance). There is no family anymore and this insistence in playing happy families for days out messes the dc's heads for weeks. A school play where both attend or a birthday party is one thing; a family trip is another. I am certain it is fine for some, but their trips leave their youngest 2 in tears when the day out does not turn into a reconciliation.
So I think YANBU. Just because dc want something does not necessarily mean it is a good idea to give it to them. That said, it is your dh's call how his son will take it.

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